Written by Rebut

Monday, 2 August 2004

image for I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman!
"Gary" as coloured in by Sven

As the F.A tries to steel itself against its latest high profile scandal, Sven Goran Eriksson refuses to be its latest victim. Palios out, Gibson to follow, where does that leave the England manager?

"It was not sex as we know it Jim. Yes it may have looked like sex to an untrained amateur but her performance was so poor that only by her mother could that constitute sex. It got so bad that at one point while she was screaming the bedroom down, I was downstairs in the study working on a new formation which never leaves our own penalty area for an entire match."

"While she was telling me how terrific I was, I was actually just finishing off colouring in my 'so you want to be an England manager eh?' colouring-in book. I even made a mental note to stock up on blue and green crayons. They always overdo the grass and sky portions I find."

Oliver Holt of the Mirror : "Sven I find that hard to swallow". Sven wasn't having any of it : "I wouldn't touch that question if it was the difference between the sack or otherwise".

"What's Faria like Sven?" Without pause : "It's funny how differently people see things. To me she is the most exciting, gorgeous, captivating and sensuos woman in the world but to Nancy.........."

Did you go out often? "No I waited for her at her apartment. I wanted to be there when she gets home. All this wining and dining bollox is rubbish, men want to go home with a woman, I'm already there, where'm I going?"

Do you think that she had an affair with Palios? "It's not in my nature to speak ill of the dead, it's not nice."

What will you do if the FA decides to sack you Sven? "Well like any other poor shlep who has just been sacked, I guess I'll have to look for a job to keep body and soul together. What with the cost of living today".

Sven to sack you they have to pay you 14m pounds! "Yes but 14m doesn't buy what it used to!!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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