Foot and Mouth Survivors Strike Back

Funny story written by Eddie French

Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Foot and Mouth Survivors Strike Back
Tragic Farm Worker gets it in the back

It's over a year since the massive cull of farm animals during the foot and mouth outbreak and we thought that the surviving animals had forgotten all about it. Not so. This reporter has disturbing news to report.

As this graphic scene depicts, the once docile dairy herds and harmlessly frolicking pig troupes are now on the warpath. Workers assisting DEFRA with the clean up operations have been systematically targeted while on lunch breaks and tea stops. This unfortunate worker (Left) was found in the porta cabin where he spent breaks on a farm near Woodbridge, Suffolk. He has a 'Humane Killer' sticking inhumanely out of his back. So far we have uncovered over 150 revenge killings around farms stretching from Dumfries and Galloway to Suffolk in the south of the country. As yet, we have been unable to solicit a response from DEFRA personnel.

Farmer Toby Muchbucketslop (59) who owns the farm at which the latest revenge attack took place had this to say: "Scotland Yard have been around since the weekend, they have interviewed all of my cattle herd, what's left of it, and most of the pigs. It's not looking good for Porky Longtrotter though, who hasn't been seen since the body was found, I didn't think he had it in him to tell the truth"

Porky Longtrotter is three feet tall and weighs 22 stone. He is Caucasian (Pinkish) and says "Oink" a lot.

Police advise the public not to approach Porky unless they have a bottle of brown source with them or a jar of apple source very handy. If you do manage to catch sight of Porky ring 0220 PORKRIND.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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