Duncan-Smith: Blair

Funny story written by Gertrude Dobbs

Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Duncan-Smith: Blair
IDS and Ken Clarke parade ?bottomless?

Prime Minister's question time was in disarray today after opposition leader Ian Duncan-Smith persistently questioned Tony Blair on whether or not he regularly wore his wife's underclothing.

"I put it to the house," said Mr Duncan-Smith, "that under the current government, NHS waiting times are up: that crime is up: that hidden taxation has risen at unprecedented levels: and that Tony Blair often parades about number ten in his wife's frillies."

In the ensuing uproar, it was two minutes before Mr Blair could answer these allegations. Standing gaunt and tired from his recent world sycophantic efforts, Mr Blair said: "Mr Speaker, it is simply untrue that NHS waiting times are up, and in real terms crime under this government has fallen steadily, as indeed has direct taxation. And on the subject of underwear, well, the right honourable gentlemen and his party are fine ones to talk. He stands before us now in a rather fetching Basque, and those rubber, thigh-length boots are surely nothing to do with the rain outside."

Mr Duncan-Smith remained unmoved. In his follow up question, he once again alluded to Mr Blair's involvement in the recent 'Cash for Skimpies' scandal.

"Mr Speaker, the Prime Minister will not bluff his way around the issues this time. I ask him to answer the questions, important questions to which the entire country demands answers: are NHS waiting times up? Is crime up? Is taxation up? And where does Cherrie buy those skimpy crotch less silk jobs that the Prime Minister is wearing today?"

Again Mr Blair was forced to wait for calm. "Mr Speaker, I have answerer such questions many times before. The answers are, in terms that surely even he can understand, no, no, and no. And frankly, where Mrs Blair buys her underwear is not the issue. The issue is that last year the Tory government paid three million pounds in the purchase of K-Y jelly alone: four million pounds in whipped cream and industrial strength rubber tubing: and cost the NHS a staggering six million pounds in surgical procedures to remove their genitalia from the various orifices of farmyard animals."

Liberal Democrat leader, Charles Kennedy, spoke of his dismay at the proceedings.

"Mr Speaker, I ask the Prime Minister why he persists in even bothering to answer such puerile questions from the honourable gentleman. Surely everyone can see that such back and forth questioning is nothing more than political point scoring? Mr speaker, the two parties opposite would do well to concentrate on the issues of the underwear - they're both blatantly incapable of dealing with anything of major importance."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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