In a surprise move today, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth announced that the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the Channel Islands, and that bit where they sing hymns a lot and play rugby, was no longer to be a constitutional monarchy, but to become a federation of states.
'We are Head of State of the United Kingdom', Mrs. Windsor said, 'and we wish foreigners would try and learn that there is no such country as Great Britain. Our ancestors the Normans called this island Gran Bretagne, Great Britain, to distinguish it from Petit Bretagne, Little Britain, or Brittany. And we never say 'One', only middle-class office clerks do that. As for constituents, there are millions of them here, and hundreds of Backbenchers in Parliament.'
And from Washington DC, President Obama also said 'Hell, not even an American President would think that British monarchs are ever popular in Britain, their whole job is to be a characterless figurehead, nothing else.'
'All laws passed by Parliament have to be agreed by the Queen, it's a safeguard against any mass-murdering, Israeli-arming, Iraq-invading, oil-stealing, Vietnam-butchering, Salvador Allende-killing, Contra-training, failed-Cuba-invading, fascist, megalomaniac madman that might appear. Hi, Dick!'
The new state, the Federal Republic of Violent Alcoholic Scots, Boring Taffs, Psychopathic Northern Irish, and All Three United In Hating The English, starts today.
Expect a massive outbreak of civil war tomorrow, as the Irish fight the Northern Irish, the Scots attack England, the English attack Wales and Germany and Scotland, the Cornish refuse to talk to the English, nobody knows where the Isle of Man is, and the French refuse to accept the return of the Channel Islands.
In his perfect Franglais, French President Nicolas Sargozy said: 'Non merci, Rosbifs, nous ne voulons pas votre islandes, avec le Bergerac et le tax-dodging. Le diner la bas c'est degoutant, le pudding de Yorkshire avec les chips, et le rosbif.'
'Votre biere c'est pas fizzy, et pas froid, votre chips sont encroyable, avec les flavours comme 'Roast Aardvark and Dandelion', ou 'Stilton, Celery, Marmite and Pickled Seagull'. Non, non, et encore non, mes amis de Gran Bretagne, suffis est suffis.'
'Et maintenant, il pleu les chats et chiens, ou se trouve mon brolly?' and the little President went out for his usual dinner of guinea pig souffle, hamsters' tails, and greyhound's eyeballs, all washed down with a bottle of regurgitated sewage.
Britain's Monarchy will be restored next week. And Parliament will be refilled with farmyard animals.
