Tories unveil plans for Primary School 'Domestic Flue Clearance Services'

Written by CountrygirlJo

Saturday, 25 April 2009

image for Tories unveil plans for Primary School 'Domestic Flue Clearance Services'
Roland Violence: "We're ready to roll with this"

The Conservatives today launched plans to allow primary schools freedom from local authority control in a move which is being widely seen to give the green light to them launching local profit earning businesses.

Said a spokesperson, "We are building on the principle of City Academies, to give school Heads and parents a greater level of control over the educational choices for their 5 year olds". Asked about where this might lead, they added, "We've heard of a number of schemes, including local domestic flue clearance services. The chimney sweeping industry has suffered a severe labour shortage since the 1870s, and is crying out for new, small, entrants"

One school, St Tebbits Primary, of Ingatestone Essex is keen to take up the idea. Mr Roland Violence, Headmaster, wrote to parents of children with shoulder spans of less than 18cm earlier this year with detailed proposals of how just such an initiative could fund the planned Learning Support Unit. "We're ready to roll with this", said Mr Violence, 28. "We have the children, and we have identified a niche in the market. Many local chimneys haven't been cleaned for years. Decades even. I had a very interesting conversation with the PTA about the provision of brooms".

But thus far, the school has not received much support from the education authority. "Let's hope the Tories get in soon. We're a progressive school with lots of ideas we want to get underway. Our live organ donation stall at last year's fete was a great success".

Challenged that this was simply 'privatisation of primary education by the back door', a source inside Conservative Central Office said "We don't agree. This is about choice. There's a very succesful scheme running in Ghastly County, South Carolina where the pre schoolers have opened and are running an open-cast uranium mine. It's the way to go."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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