Chief-of-Defence-Staff; General Sir Jock "the bayonet" Stirrup-Pump has withdrawn plans to sell off useless Army Snatch Land Rovers after a series of disastrous tests, involving housewives in a Sainsbury's car-park in Basingstoke!
The "steel coffins" as they are called by the troops in Afghanistan and Iraq have been slated by the press and army hierarchy alike for their vulnerability and short-comings on the front-line.
More robust replacements are gradually being introduced leaving thousands of these unwanted vehicles sitting in army depots across the country. In an effort to recover costs, a bright MoD civil servant suggested selling them off at public auctions and trials were carried out last week.
Mrs Penelope Kingstone-Smythe-Smith-Smythson was first to test her "Steel Coffin" at 9:30 am last Wednesday. As she entered Sainsburys car-park following the school run (in which 2 of her 7 children were shot by Taliban traffic wardens in Basingstoke High Street) she hit a speed bump at 3 mph causing terrible damage to her steering and suspension. Now out of control, her Snatch was rammed by a supermarket trolley resulting in Mrs Kingstone-Smythe-Smith-Smythson losing an eye.
In another incident, a snatch-Land Rover was given to regular Sainsbury customer Gloria Snockers, she immediately encountered problems when her vehicle passed over an Improvised Exploding Device (IED) - which Sainsbury were also trialling for Taliban Chiefs from Northants. Mrs Snockers weekly shop was spread over 2000 yards and so far, her mother, also in the Land Rover has not been found.
In other tests, these vehicles faired equally as badly, especially when used by driving instructors from the British School of Motoring. "Three point turns proved particularly hazardous" said head examiner Ronnie Mowver, "the slits in the windscreens are so narrow, my pupils killed dozens of innocent cyclists and people at bus stops, we decided enough was enough after an unlucky pupil ran over an empty Coke can, resulting in severe spinal injuries."
"We shall have to find another way to flog these hot-potato's" said Sir Jock, "we are looking into welding several together to make school busses"!
Anyone wishing to put their name on a MoD list of potential buyers are asked to apply online at www.MoD_Fuckin.Loonies.web/suicide_list.asp