Written by Vance Crabb

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

image for A village fete worse than death
Shakespeare once 'threw up' in Duxton

Residents of Pemberly were angered yesterday when their annual fete was disrupted by Council members from rival village Duxton. The fete is an annual celebration held at the spot where it's believed the great English playwright William Shakespeare once vomited. However Duxton Parish Council interrupted proceedings by stating they have evidence to prove that the actual site where Shakespeare once 'threw up' was in Duxton. Pemberly were quick to deny these claims and questioned the motivation behind Duxton's proposals.

It emerged yesterday that the location where Duxton believe the historic event occurred, is now rather ironically a factory which produces fake vomit for funerals and Bar Mitzvahs. This has heightened Pemberly's suspicions even further. Fake Vomit Ltd has denied any involvement with Duxton Council, although it has since been leaked that the Duxton based company were planning a new advertising campaign in light of these new findings. The rather catchy slogan "Buy vomit from the place where it's believed Shakespeare once vomited" is just one of many ideas which were set to be used in an upcoming brand re-launch.

Despite Duxton's allegations Pemberly remain resolute in defending their piece of history. Pemberly's Mayor stated yesterday "This is just another absurd statement made by an increasingly desperate local council trying to smear our village's rich cultural heritage". This isn't the first incident where Duxton Parish Council's actions have angered the residents of Pemberly. Other previous misdemeanours against the village include, Duxton's attempts to flood the Pemberly economy with orange squash, explicit and disparaging graffiti regarding the Mayor of Pemberly's pet dog 'Nigel's' halitosis and sabotaging the village's water supply with the remains of a mime troupe.

Even Duxton's own residents have suffered in the past from their Parish Council's bizarre antics. Last year the council decided to introduce Polar Bears into the village's eco-system. Many political commentators viewed this "gimmicky" and "populist" policy as just an attempt to gain favour in the run up to local elections. The resulting 72 deaths led to some embarrassment for the local parish but fortunately for the council most of the village residents who perished were swing voters or supporters of the opposition.

With both villages refusing to back down, it seems more likely that the conundrum of where William Shakespeare once vomited will have to be settled in court. This case is already drawing comparisons to that of Hafotts Green V Horksley 1986. On that occasion the villages were in conflict over the true location of where Alec Guinness once threw a Frisbee. William Shakespeare whose literary works include 'Othello', 'Hamlet' and the sit-com 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum' was yesterday unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Village

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