The nation was gripped last night at the news that Jade Goody is "still" dying of Terminal Cancer.
The Reality TV star and stunt double for everyone's favourite television porker "Babe" was engaged in a particularly scandalous orgy with several men on noted Indian Televison Show "Any Hole is a Goal Sahib" when her consultant Dr. Nick Riviera (known by her fond nickname "That Doctor bloke") called to say that the malignant cancer she had from birth which had already consumed 83% of her brain had now spread to other parts of her body.
KO Magazine, a reporter for which in one famous historical gaff accidentally spent over three hours interviewing a 5ft Jelly Blamange under the mistaken belief that it was in fact Ms. Goody had this to say:
"Miss Goody is definitely still dying. This is a topic in the public interest and we're still sure that she's still dying. Still, as long as she's still dying we're going to keep telling the people she's still dying."
The blamange was unavailable for comment.
My own sources have been able to confirm that Ms. Goody is in fact "still dying", one consultant surgeon even going so far as to say that she is "definitely for it" and "I would recommend she doesn't start any long books but I don't think that need be a worry."
Blaxploitation Minister Jerry Fraudwell who controversially referred to 9/11 as "Big Brother for Muslims" and who is reported to be at her bed side night and day, is reported to have stated that she would soon be "drinking up the spirits in the sky" and that he had told Ms. Goody that "Jesus loved her" - in response to this comment, former school chum Prof Ricky Hawkins glibly pointed out, "With friends like that, who needs enemies?"
Prof. Hawkins also offered a scientific insight into the life and times of Ms. Goody as described by her Pop Out Autobiography "Catch a Falling Star":
"Jade [Goody's] analogy of a star is most appropriate. Any star starts off burning furiously, lashing out at anything which comes across its path. Anyone who wants a chance at life is best advised to stay at a safe distance! As it nears middle age however, the star begins to consume heavier elements and becomes more docile and bloated, finally it ends up imploding under its own mass."
