Written by Rusty

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

image for Council Ruled by Money-Grabbing Fascist Dictators
The Bin that Rin-Tin-Tin Shit In

Smegmadale Council are currently recruiting a team of ex-MI5 spooks to act as refuse compliance officers and sneak around the town's streets, peering over fences and walls, issuing fixed penalty notices and insta-fines to residents who transgress their wheelie bin code by putting bins out too early or not retrieving them immediately after emptying.

To comply with the latest fruitcake scheme to emerge from the EU's Brussels' headbanging asylum, each residential wheelie bin will now be fitted with a satnav tracking beacon, a tachometer and a licence plate, and be subject to an annual MOT test.

This is the latest daft idea in what local residents described as a long line of daft ideas, with Frank Skidmarker, an unemployed dodo plucker, telling reporters "It's another daft idea."

Pensioner Elsie Scrotum, a Floodplains Avenue resident, expressed her opinion of the council's scheme in stronger terms. "I think it's another fuckin' daft idea. Years ago these pansy twats used to be called binmen and carry our old style iron bins down alleyways on their shoulders, full of hot cinders, dogshit and broken glass, then tip the rubbish into the cart. Now they calls themselves refuse service officers and go cryin' to the HSE if they break a fingernail."

Ms. Slutsy McGammer, a 15-year-old mother of three, currently studying for an A-level in nuclear waste reprocessing, was recently handed a £100 on-the-spot fine by council super-sneak Ronnie Himmler after her wheelie bin was judged to be too close to the curb.

Ms. McGammer informed Smegmadale Clarion reporter Arthur Madeupname that the council could go and 'fuck spiders' as she couldn't afford to pay the fine on her weekly DSS giro. "They're gonna 'ave to come round an' take it outa me twat like the milkman an' the electric meter bloke do."

But for cash-strapped Smegmadale Council this is just the start of a money-grasping campaign aimed at generating income by targeting local residents over non-compliance with idiotic dustbin regulations.

Residents refusing, or failing, to pay their fines within two weeks could face legal processing costs of up to £5000 and end up with a criminal record, and have their names placed on the sex offenders register for good measure too

Recently-elected Councillor Barry Goebbels, BNP representative for Smegmadale East and an ex-welfare officer at Abu Ghraib prison, opined that residents had been flouting wheelie bin and refuse laws for far too long and now was the time to get tough.

"I'm for 'avin' the same strict laws like wot China's got," Goebbels told reporters. "If yer don't put yer bin out on time an' in the right place, then yer get thrown in the nick an' 'ave yer vital organs 'arvested. Then yer might think twice about doin' it again', wouldn't yer, eh?"

But when challenged on this contentious point by TheSpoof.com's wheelie bin correspondent Jarvis Ratscock, that the Peoples' Utopia of China didn't actually have a refuse service and simply tossed their garbage into the nearest river, Goebells politely replied "Fuck off yer little speccy-eyed twat before I punch yer gob in." Another winning first for the BNP.

Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of squirrel as it was written in a nut-infested environment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: councils




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