Fresh from his gigantic rip-off art auction at London's Sotheby's where he netted a cool £95.7 million for pickled dead animals and other 'must have' items, Damien Hirst wasted no time and today announced his next ambitious project.
Following upon his most recent commercial successes, Mr Hirst shocked the commercial art world (consisting of himself, White Cube gallery, his two billionaire buyers, and thousands of wanna-be art wankers) by proclaiming that his next exhibit will feature just one object d'art, namely himself.
Whilst details of the tentatively titled 'Naked Greed' sculpture remain sketchy, Hirst suggested that he intends to preserve his body and offer it for public sale. It was unclear if he will pickle himself in formaldehyde as he did with his decaying sharks, or if he will collaborate with German professor Gunther von Hagens and use plastination to achieve more permanence. Either way, Hirst hinted he will incorporate a diamond-encrusted real body part, surpassing his recent £50 million diamond-encrusted platinum cast of a human skull. When asked which of his body parts will be diamond-encrusted, Hirst gestured to the crowd with a raised middle finger.
"The future looks great for everyone" proclaimed Hirst, adding "except for possibly me."
"Some so-called art critics have dared to suggest I am a vain, shallow no-talent only obsessed with money and myself. Certainly my next show will put all that to rest." Hirst snapped at a reporter who asked just how he expected to get himself out of this preposterous pickle. "Obviously you don't understand art or the artist. I put everything I have into my current work. I don't even think beyond my next show. I pay people to do that for me and I suggest you do likewise."
When asked whether White Cube or Sotheby's will handle his iconoclastic sale, Hirst told the audience, "Get real. I've moved on. Why haven't you?" He then announced that his preserved body with the diamond encrusted raised middle finger will be put on eBay with a reserve of £500,000 million.
Russian oligarch art collector, oil billionaire, and arms dealer Serge Zhugrev, is said to be keen to acquire the pickled/plastinated Hirst for his private collection. "It will be great to have Hirst enshrined in his spiritual home, money-greedy Moscow" slurred a vodka-scented Zhugrev. But the Russians have stiff competition it seems. Rumours are abounding that the Vatican, using an undisclosed Swiss go-between, will not be outbid.
Cardinal von Riesling, head of the Vatican's art acquisitions department, has been overheard recently commenting on Hirst's deeply religious themes. "We just missed out on getting Hirst's Golden Calf and Angelic Pig at Sotheby's. But this time we'll be ready. We've got 3,500 third world nuns lined up to make eBay bids at the last minute, and I've already set up our PayPal account." Cardinal von Riesling added that Hirst was a modern art Christ-like figure and that his full spiritual value would only be fully appreciated after his death. "With Hirst's preserved body encased in St Peter's with his diamond encrusted finger thrust towards heaven, imagine the pilgrim punters we'll pull in. That's a hefty chunk of change" slurred a rosé-scented Riesling.
Not to be outdone, Hirst's fellow illusionist, David Blaine predicted that if the Vatican were successful to acquire Naked Greed, he could make it disappear within three days, leaving the Vatican with naught but an empty display case except for the formaldehyde. Blaine predicted "And don't be surprised if Hirst is soon spotted by the paparazzi cavorting with a Galilean harlot with the initials MM. It won't be shrouded in mystery this time around, believe me."
