Roman ships could not sail against the tide, American historians claim

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

image for Roman ships could not sail against the tide, American historians claim
Romans fail to row against the tide

New research from American scientists has suggested that Romans could not sail against the tide in their ships, and that the dates attributed to their 55 BC landings in southern England are wrong.

Dr Donald Duckson, an expert on the history of rowing boats with sails, said that the English Channel was flowing the wrong way, and that ships with over a hundred oarsmen and sails to catch the wind could never have beaten the tide.

Speaking from the Texan University of Dumbsville, he said: 'We took a cheese sandwich, and threw it into the Channel, and it floated south west for 20 yards before sinking, thus scientifically proving that the invasion began days earlier than has been believed for hundreds of years.' And fellow professor Nat Enquirer added: 'In fact the Romans invaded lands all across Europe and North Africa, but only when it was sunny and the waves weren't too high, and as long as they had suncream on.'

This is not the first time that the university in Dumbsville has challenged traditional history, as only last year their Professor Idi O'Tranter claimed that Genghis Khan was actually a black African, who conquered Asia and Eastern Europe by making his horses run backwards, so his horsemen became invincible. And he said that the world isn't spherical in shape, but actually triangular, and dipped a tortilla chip in a pond to prove it. But other scientists disagreed with the findings.

From the North Carolina History College, in Charleston, South Carolina, head of the classical studies department, Avi Seizser, said: 'Actually, Julius Caesar was British, and was trying to LEAVE the island, not invade it, and he succeeded because the tides were going the right way. But unfortunately Caesar ended up in Jamaica, due to being blown there by a giant sea dragon, that was a hundred feet long and fifty feet high.' And from Wyoming, Professor of Latin Dubrovnik Bushski said: 'Roman records clearly mention that Julius Caesar said 'Vene, vidi, vici, it's a Tuesday, mate', when he landed in England, before heading for the nearest Burgerum Rex.

Boadiccea is not amused.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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