Greggs the bakers today took over Britain in a sudden military coup. Martial law will begin tomorrow, and anyone visiting any other shop will be detained without trial indefinitely.
There was little surprise at the action, as for years every street in Britain had a Greggs, but the bakers couldn't countenance any more of what their leader John Gregg called 'subversion and treachery against the state, by visiting Tesco's or Italian delis.'
Greggs had long organised demonstrations outside shops that opposed them, and last year, in what is now called Krisp'n'snacknight, hundreds of business competitors were forced to close, due to Greggs' ridiculously low prices for dreadful food and paying their staff slave wages.
Greggs propaganda officer, Joseph 'Big Cheese' Softeigh, said: 'We cannot tolerate any longer the menace of other non-Greggs shops offering decent and nutritious takeaway food. All avocados, prosciuttos and sushis will be allowed to leave, but anyone not buying cheese and onion slices and sausage rolls, with jammy doughnuts and cola, will be dealt with by our special anti-nutrition squads.'
However, the coup may not last, due to Greggs' major high street competitors Tesco appealing to the United Nations for assistance, and even suggesting that their other traditional rivals, Sainsburys, should step in and end the coup. But American giants McDonalds are unlikely to help -'we started adding carrot sticks to extra-cheese quarterpounders as an April fool's joke, Greggs has nothing to fear from us.'
