London - (Fat Arse Mess): Simpering corpulent TV cook Nigella Lawson's children have hit back at their Scrooge mother's vow to disinherit them from her tight-fisted estate by promising "to throw her in a seedy local authority old folks home" at the first sign of trouble.
The Scroogehag famously told UK newspapers this week that she knew what is best for children "and that doesn't include leaving them so much as a penny".
But now the kids have hit back after acquiring a DIY senility and dementia testing device that guarantees to detect if pesky relatives are going potty at an early age.
"She might be bonkers already of course," eldest daughter Cosima said today. "Why else would she make such a daft statement? Maybe it's all that brain-rotting cholestrol from her sticky figgy puddings that's clogging up her frontal lobe arteries."
At her Belgravia home today Nigella was unrepentant.
"Kids these days, they're all scroungers.
"Now back in the 60s when I was a girl things were very, very different.
"Call me old-fashioned if you like, call me a demented tight-fisted old twit...call me....Arghhhhhhhhhhh!"
A spokesperson from Age Concern said today:
"Nigella is bonkers. Always said so."