Buckingham Palace - (Conspiracy Mess): Having survived the wettest, dullest and most hideous Scottish summer holiday since the Annus Horibilis of 1992, Puppet Monarch Old Fatty Mountbatten is safely ensconced back in London.
Ahead lies a hectic October schedule carefully choreographed to make her feel a little less pointless than her rival in universal pointlessness, LA's ubiquitous queen Paris Hilton.
At least OFM is feeling smug at having dodged both Prime Monster Gorgon Brown AND wannabe royal stick insect Kate Middleton as houseguests in Balmoral without incurring a major international incident.
And now that some republican leech at the BBC called Peter Fincham's been given the boot for that ghastly libelous documentary faux pas life is looking up a notch or two.
"Maybe that Crimebotch female Fiona Bruce will also get the chop now that her lord protector has been consigned to the dustbin," OFM told her Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon this morning.
Just that grizzly business at the Royal Courts of Justice at the moment to keep one focused, of course.
And with Mohammed Fayed still calling her and the Duke of Edinburgh "murdering bastards" life is almost back to normal.
The only blot on the landscape at the moment appears to be next Monday's St James's palace reception for the sixtieth anniversary commemorations of her impersonating the Colonel-in-Chief of The Queen's Royal Boil Lancers.
"Why they made me C-in-C of the Zit Brigade I'll never know," OFM sighed as she instructed Luce-Cannon to accept the invite.
"You don't think it's, perhaps, a ribald double-entrendre? Do you?"
"Of course not, Ma'am!"
