Jamie Oliver to launch chain of low-cost crack dens

Written by queen mudder

Monday, 8 October 2007

image for Jamie Oliver to launch chain of low-cost crack dens
He may be on to a winner here!

London - (Greasy Spoon Mess): Amid persistent reports that the bottom has fallen out of the UK's self-publicising foodie market North London chef Jamie Oliver is rumored to be expanding into the country's fastest-growing juvenile industry and launching his own chain of low-cost crack den franchises.

With crack rocks as cheap as £5 a pop the celebrity TV chef wants to take on the large Carribean chains that dominate the high streets and school playgrounds.

He believes few of them serve decent gear at a reasonable price.

The first of his planned neighbourhood amenity sites will open in a secret London location believed to be at 666 Crackhaven Road, Barking in time for Christmas.

The initiative has been made possible by London Mayor Ken Livingstone's pioneering initiative earlier this year in agreeing a cheap crack cocaine deal with Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez.

The deal will also see London pensioners get free skunk to stay at home quietly instead of tearing around the Capital on London buses and tubes, wreaking havoc with their extremist behaviour.

Oliver said today: "It's always been a desire of mine to really tackle the issue of the quality of high street dealing.

"Of course there are some places, privately run by dedicated people, that are doing a good job.

"But they're few and far between. Especially in the posh bits like Primrose Hill and Hampstead Garden Suburb.

"What I want is a new chain that will give consistent quality at a decent price.

"I wanted to create a local amenity that is classy, reliable and inspired by what people want.

"This fast-growing niche market could change the way we in Britain relate to recreational habits and I'm well up for it, lurvely-jubbly."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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