In news that will send shockwaves around middle England, Conservative leader David Cameron admitted that the Tories have absolutely no chance of winning the next election.
In an act of treachery not witnessed in the Tory party for over a fortnight, Tobias Ellwood MP for Bournemouth East told our political correspondent,
"Don't think I have made this decision lightly. It took several minutes of soul searching before I decided it was my duty to go public with the conversation I had with the Rt Hon Member for Witney."
The Back Stabbing sycophant continued,
"We had both had a hard day at the annual party conference. It was about 1:30 am when Cameron came around to my room. He normally looks such a dandy but I can tell you after several bottles of bubbly he paints a very different picture. He sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and appeared to start crying. Was this the man I thought, who only ten hours earlier had talked so elegantly about Inheritance Tax ?
"What he went on to say shocked both me and my wife who had been woken by the cracking open of yet another bottle of Clos du Mesnil. David told me that he knew he had no chance of winning the next election. He admitted that his Eton background had rendered him, 'totally out of touch with the British people'."
"David went on to tell me about a time one of his constituent's had admitted to smuggling two hundred fags into the country and he'd reported the chap to the police for Human Trafficking."
"David knows he is out of his depth but tries so hard to have the common touch. However he would be the first to admit that the gold sovereign ring on his middle finger didn't work and he is definately cancelling his plans to start up a 'Niggaz with Attitude' tribute band."
Mr Ellwood takes up his position on the Labour front bench next Tuesday.
