Buckingham Palace - (Ass Mess): Royal accounts published today show that over £3 million is needed in botox fees alone to give the House of Mountbatten's Puppet Monarchy the desperately needed facelift if requires to survive beyond the weekend.
The annual financial statement says that the very infrastructure is crumbling and in danger of imploding from within.
"We are talking major health and safety risks involving crumbling prickwork," said the Lord Camberlaim Lord Luce-Cannon.
"And sticking plaster remedies will cost at least £3m to rectify."
A critical backlog of maintenance work on the Puppet Royals is essential to keep the cracks from widening in the public's perception that they have been sold a right plonker by sucessive governments.
"Of course it would be cheaper in the long-run to have this lot stuffed and preeserved in formaldehyde - just like Lenin in Moscow," the Keeper of the Privvy said today.
"As a matter of fact, that may not be a bad ideA!"