Prime Minister, Tony Blair has announced that, in the wake of dramatic success for the Scottish National party in local elections, Scotland will become physically as well as politically independent from England. This will be achieved by "every British citizen picking up a brick and putting it on Hadrian's Wall" said the Labour leader. "We should have the whole thing closed off by Monday morning".
Mr Blair's comments came after the SNP won 47 seats in the local elections, ending Labour's dominance north of the border. The PM immediately released a statement congratulating SNP leader Alex Salmond and stating "if you want it you can have it". Downing Street have claimed that they are "fed up" with whines about Scottish independence, and that from this moment on "they are on their own". The Labour Party wish the SNP well and are sure the party will have no problem balancing the economy on "sales of whisky, shortbread and Proclaimers CDs".
The 4583 Scottish members of parliament in England are to be given 24 hours to apply for English citizenship or get back on their side of the wall. Tennis star Andy Murray has already been given special dispensation to stay, as have Nicky Campbell, Lulu and one of the Krankies.
Rumours that this is a last gasp attempt by Blairites to thwart Gordon Brown's leadership bid have been labelled "ridiculous", "far-fetched" and "true".
Sean Connery had no comment to make, but he lives in America anyway.