Evil Geordies wrecked our house

Funny story written by Noshing Mink

Sunday, 15 April 2007

image for Evil Geordies wrecked our house
A relatively sober Geordie

An English couple were yesterday being consoled by relatives after a crowd of between 200-300 Geordies ransacked their nice detached house.

The couple, who can only be identified as Mr. and Mrs A, said that they had gone to bed at 11pm, leaving their 17-year old daughter downstairs, and when they woke up the next day, their house was a mess. There was beer on the wallpaper, cigarette ends on the carpets and vomit on the ceiling.

Leading anthropologist Professor Hans Schmidt said "Zis can only be the verk of Geordies."

Geordies have been spotted throughout England and Wales, and particularly at football grounds, where they enjoy chanting and fighting. They can also be found in the cells of most police stations. When they travel abroad, they often paint a Union Jack on their chest or faces, so foreign airport staff know where to send them at the end of the holiday, a bit like a luggage label.

Typical things that Geordies might say include:

  • Whyaye - no meaning
  • Eeeh man, ahm gannin te the booza - I say there, my good man, I am on my way to a public house
  • Ah scoredwithabord - I made the acquaintance of a young woman
  • Ah wes palatick - I enjoyed myself

Some Geordies have responded to training, like Sergeant Lewis from Inspector Morse, who learned to solve simple mysteries and buy his boss a drink at the end of each episode.

Professor Schmidt added that the couple's daughter will require extensive detoxification to remove all Geordie influences from her.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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