Uri Geller's cock was in hospital last night after being shot in what appears to have been an assassination attempt.
Mr Penis was in London, chatting to fans at the premiere of his latest film, when he was hit several times by bullets from a high powered rifle. Police have recovered a sniper rifle and some damaged spoons from a nearby book depository and an Israeli man is currently being questioned.
Wellwishers surrounded St Guys hospital and held a candlelit vigil for the much loved superstar, who is currently fighting for his life.
"I just can't believe it," said one clearly bewildered fan, "Uri Geller's cock has never harmed anyone. It just doesn't make any sense."
There has been some speculation that the hitman was none other than washed up spoonbender Uri Geller, although this has not been confirmed. Geller, who's life fell apart after the infamous Children in Need 'wankathon' incident, is said to have become bitter and twisted over his pecker's stateside success.
"Oh Aye....bitter and twisted alright," said one smelly vagrant who knew the former celebrity paranormalist. "And he smelled of piss."
Mr Geller's very public descent into booze fuelled squalor is in stark contrast to the glittering career of his knob. Mr Penis has enjoyed success in Hollywood and is a close friend and confident to many superstar celebrities and world leaders.
Susan Pilkington, who runs the hostel were Geller stayed, told us, "Oh Aye, we 'ad that slimy bastard in 'ere last week. Right shifty fucker 'e were an' all.We kicked 'im out after 'e nicked another deadbeat's socks."
One local scumbag who had befriended Geller, told us, "He wuz living in a box, just off Shite Street like and 'e kept going on about 'is cock, 'ow it had ruined 'is life 'an that. 'E was drinking a lot of Brasso an' kept wettin' 'imself, so most of us just left 'im alone. I never thought 'e would go this far though. What a stupid fucker. "
The Vatican will be saying prayers for Mr Penis at tomorrows service in Rome and the Queen has offered to donate Paul Burrells' kidneys.
