Written by Herrdoktorfox

Wednesday, 17 September 2014

image for Richard III - From a Jack to a King
A Bosworth basher revving up around 1425, give or take a minute or two.

According to two underworked Professors from the University of Leicester Richard the Third was not, as previous thought, run over by a Honda Civic driven by a myopic pensioner in a Leicester car park.

Professors Jack Haas and Anne Teake having spent many long hours locked in their lab together frantically poking Dick's remains and each other while watching several seasons of CSI have come up with some earth shattering theories about Dick.

Seemingly, the poor Royal bastard took quite a clobbering around the head, or blunt force trauma as Grissom would have said, having sustained around 11 wounds which, unsurprisingly resulted in his death during the Battle of Bosworth in 1485.

"Had the idiot worn some protection he might well have survived" said Professor Teake delicately disposing of a used condom in the lab waste bin.

Although renown for having a hump the professors have deduced that it was more likely a 'well balanced curve' doubtless caused by Dick's obsession with self-abuse after discovering he was suffering from Erectile Dysfunction! The curve was well hidden by his cloak which allowed him to have one off the wrist at a moment's notice without being noticed. This obsession with constantly ripping the head off it day and night also gave the impression that he had a limp and therefore resulted in Shakespeare assuming that Dick had a hump and a bum leg.

Marks also left on his body lead the two experts to believe that he copped more than few blows around the head and torso by way of the flail, a popular weapon of choice back in the good old days and best described as a medieval game of conkers, but using a spiked metal ball instead of horse chestnuts.

After a night on the lash and with no kebab shops available, the pissed male nobility would delight and entertain themselves in staggering around in their respective castles wielding their flails at each other; last man standing usually got to shag the scullery maid senseless.
In Dick's case he lucked out every time on two counts. One, due to his minuscule stature (he was a shortarse) , he was seldom able to match his taller opponents, and secondly, had he even won he would not have been able to perform with the wench at hand due to his ED.

Thus, poor old Dick usually ended up having the crap knocked out of him every time and being transported home on a late night horse and cart to his lonely bed where, in the words of the late great Frank Sinatra, he would whip out his todger and 'Do it His Way'.

These new findings have caused a real stir amongst conspiracy theories who firmly believe that Dick did not die at Bosworth due to having fallen through a wormhole, how else, they argue did he re-appear centuries later in Shrek, the movie? Furthermore, as he did not have a driving license why the hell would he have been creeping about in a Leicester Car Park in broad daylight……the truth is out there!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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