Written by Burnred

Friday, 25 April 2014

image for Labradors To Be Re-Categorised As Dangerous Dogs Across Britain
'Evil Bastard'

A spate of incidents across Britain have forced the Government into a re-think about their dangerous dogs policy.

Vacuum cleaners across Britain are being blocked, wooden floors are suffering from what is being labelled 'the tumbleweed effect', as Labradors moult, the hair form large uncontrollable balls of fluff, which escape the 'suck' of an average home appliance. In some extreme cases Labradors have been known to follow small children with food, not willing to share the sofa of an evening, having too many facial expressions and drinking water out of the toilet bowl.

Research Doctor Ali Roberts from BAPIO has seen a worrying trend in what is known as 'Labrador Cock syndrome'. "This is a very painful condition, caused by trapped Labrador hairs under the male human foreskin". "This is especially painful prior to sex". Government figures back up the claims of researchers, with 42 cases reported this year, especially in the North.

Other cases include, a man from Salisbury being licked to death, and a lady from Wolverhampton being trapped in her 'front-room' for 14 hours, as her black Lab 'Jasper' became over protective over a squeaky toy.

Pet owners across Britain are finding Labrador hairs trapped in the most unusual of places, putting a strain on our A&E departments. Dr. Ali Roberts continued, "We've found Labrador hairs causing real distress, we're finding them up noses, inside ears and in one case a patient had severe bowel problems after we discovered a ball of fluff up his arse".

UKIP leader Nigel Farage's Labrador 'Darkie' is soon to be put down and replaced by a gerbil.

We'll keep you posted.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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