Tuesday, 19 February 2013

image for Brendan Cockup: "Impressive Deception," says PM Cameroon
Cockup in his Lord Tam O'Shanter period

As detectives continue to pursue Willie Bodgem through the Bolivian outback, Scotland Yard is preparing to send back-up officers to La Paz today. Police throughout the country are struggling to deal with the amount of information being brought forward by the public.

A police spokesman told us: "Cockup seems to have set up a network of safe houses in the mountains of Bolivia. His skills of deception are remarkable. Clearly we're dealing with a professional here." Top Police Chiefs, meanwhile, are said to be furious that Cockup has once again outwitted the intellectual elite of British forces.

Brendan Cockup has, allegedly, worked in a number of high-profile professions throughout the United Kingdom since 2004. Over the years he assumed many guises.

Police have released the following names: Dr Fergus O'Rectum, Mr Willie Bodgem, Dr Roland Bowland, Seargeant Mike McQuirky, Stan 'The Man' Chalmers, Lord Tam O'Shanter and Reverend Ignatius Borlock.

Outside Number 10 this morning, PM David Cameroon announced a "rigorous and vigorous examination of Cockup's undeniably impressive deception."

At the same time, a growing band of revellers was spotted moving along the Embankment with an assortment of amusing banners: "COCKUP FOR PRIME MINISTER"; "MIKE McQUIRKY FOR HOME SECRETARY" and, my personal favourite: "O'RECTUM'S NOT AN ARSE".

Any information about these individuals will assist police in their investigations.

Stories emerging about Cockup's work experience are incredible. He project managed the building of Terminal 2 at Manchester's Ringway Airport, impersonated a Senior Court Judge in Glasgow for a number of months and, astonishingly, stood in for Red Arrow 4 on a Palace fly-by last June.

Cockup seems to have favoured a medical career, however. Eighteen cases have so far been identified where he has acted as Surgeon-in-Chief. He has been spotted in eight different hospitals across England and Scotland and had involvement - as far as we know at this stage - in 186 separate surgical procedures.

Hospital medical staff across the country have gone to ground since Cockup's exposure, presumably to avoid a grilling from the world's press. An extraordinary meeting of the BMA is to take place next Friday.

Police chiefs will meet at Downing Street later this evening, hoping to reassure PM David Cameroon that Scotland Yard can, in fact, organise a piss-up in a brewery.

Beaumont Hospital in Dublin, where Willie Bodgem performed Louis Walsh's brain implant, was deserted today. A senior consultant cardiologist we managed to speak to commented: "Cockup is obviously a brilliant surgeon. Frankly he makes most of my junior colleagues look like butchers."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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