Daily Mail Readers Campaign For Return Of Death Penalty

Funny story written by Sidney Bollocks

Wednesday, 19 September 2012


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That looks a little tight on you, sir.

Following the brutal killing of two young police officers in Manchester, a not insignificant number of Daily Mail readers have signalled their intention to campaign for the reinstatement of capital punishment.

Amongst comments left on the Mail's website, there is widespread condemnation by readers who perceive there to be an anarchic cancer, eating away at the very fabric of British society.

The Mail readers' self-appointed spokesman appears to be retired Brigadier Sir Berty Arsetwitch-Smythe, from Tunbridge Wells. Already well known in Daily Mail circles, Sir Berty is admired for his less than liberal views on most aspects of life, mankind and the universe in general.

We contacted Sir Berty, in order to request an interview, and he was in our office before we had even put the phone down. Before we could ask our first question, Sir Berty launched into his summation of Daily Mail reader opinion.

"We won't even talk about the police officers who were murdered in such cold blood. Perpetrators of such crimes should be summarily executed, without the need for a trial by their peers. Public hangings in Leicester Square are what we need," Sir Berty began.

He went on, "We need to get back to basics and identify the true blaggards who contaminate our society. Homosexuals, those who have children out of wedlock, those who even contemplate same sex marriage; they should all be eligible for capital punishment. Labour supporters, the unemployed and those with long term disabilities; they too should face the drop. Anybody who laughs at Eurovision or the Royal Variety Show, those who watch Channel Four. And then there's the French and Scientologists. I could go on..."

Before Sir Berty could go on, we called him a taxi and thanked him for his time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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