A nun was sectioned today by the Cleckhuddersfax area mental health team, following a complaint from prominent Chips n Gravy champion, Ken Mither.
Mither, 26 (Or so he claims) complained to Cleckhuddersfax Borough Council that he was being stalked by a nymphomaniacal nun with a custard fetish last Tuesday.
"She just wouldn't leave me alone," Mither grumbled, as he chomped on a chocolate eclair in his West End residence.
Further investigations revealed that Sister Brenda Del Copacabana - a member of the 'Custard With Everything' sect of Carmelite nuns had been identified as 'a lurker' in several instances of CCTV footage, usually taken as Ken Mither conducted his Chips n Gravy campaign around the town.
"She were stalking me," Mither insisted. "You could 'ave put yer house on it, or set thee clock by it. But tha could guarantee that as soon as I set me stall out for t' Chips n Gravy - proper chips wi' proper gravy - campaign speeches, she'd show her bloody face and start heckling me abaht custard. Woman's a bloody lunatic - and that's sayin' summat comin' from me."
Cleckhuddersfax police sent Detective Chief Prevaricator, Arnold Songsheet to address the problem.
"It weren't good," he revealed. "Not at all. Yon bloody Mither bloke's a birruv a nutter, but this custard obssessed nymphomaniacal nun just abaht beat him into a cocked pork pie hat, with her incessant ramblins abaht custard wi' everythin. Mad abaht custard she were. When we took her in for questioning, she even had a packet o' Bird's Custard Powder secreted in her bra! I mean - how sick's that?"
Cleckhuddersfax Magistrates agreed, and had Sister Brenda Del Copacabana sectioned indefinitely under the Mentalist Act of 1764.
"She were beyond redemption," Magistrate Huey Lewis And The News (Name changed by deed poll in 1979) told reporters. "She were absolutely barking. She'd put custard on everything from black pudd'n to fish and chips. Tha can't have folk like that wanderin' abaht. It's just not reet."
"Tha can say that agin," said Ken Mither.
"She were beyond redemption. She were absolutely barking. She'd put custard on everything from black pudd'n to fish and chips. Tha can't have folk like that wanderin' abaht. It's just not reet," Huey Lewis and The News repeated.
"Tha'll do for me cocker!" a jubilant Ken Mither crowed. "This is all abaht 'uman rights and proper gravy wi' chips, not piggin' custard. I'm glad she's got her just desserts - although hopefully baht custard!"
According to insiders, Sister Brenda Del Copacabana was last seen writhing about on her bunk in an isolation cell, liberally smearing custard about her nether regions, and lamenting loudly the unfortunate demise of Davey Jones out of the Monkees pop band.
"She's a lost cause, and that's for sure," said Loony Bin Governor, Aaron Handle.
"Tha can say that again," said Ken Mither.
"She's a lost cause, and that's..."
Oh for God's sake...
Ken Mither's 'Gravy Roadshow' is scheduled to land in Dorking next April.
More if we draw the short straw and are unlucky enough to get it.
