Dorking Rolls Out The Red Carpet For Writers Of The Dorking Review

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 29 December 2011


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Bollocks To The Carpet - Roll Out The Barrel!

It has been described as 'the book that everybody should have in their Christmas stocking' - The Dorking Review. And Dorking today rolled out the red carpet as the book's writers rolled up in the town for an impromptu book signing at Waterfall's bookstore on East Street.

Local dignitaries turned out in force to extend a hearty welcome to the motley collection of scribes, some of whom were wearing false moustaches, for some obscure reason. One was also sporting a monocle, for reasons best not gone into on a family website.

The Lord Mayor of Dorking, the Rt Hon Reg Varney greeted the celebrity visitors with a brief word of encouragement, a quick handshake, and a whistle stop tour of the bus depot.

A cheering crowd quickly gathered outside Waterfall's, then dispersed just as quickly as they realised they wouldn't be getting paid.

The writers then moved on to a nearby hostelry and ensconced themselves in a corner of the lounge bar, where they partook of vast volumes of fine ales, wine, and spirits.

However, it wasn't long before a heated argument broke out over which article was the highlight of the best selling book.

Colonel Juan got into it with Ellis Ian Fields disputing the relative merits of the interview with Sir Brent Burton Trench on his 100th birthday, and Peregrine Trip's travelogue on Gloucester. Both of which were rubbish compared to Iain B's description of a visit to the White Lion public house. At least, according to Iain B.

Then that gobshite Skoob leapt to his feet and stated that his tale about Martin Shuttlecock's Christmas tat shopping nightmare was easily the highlight of the book. This was hotly disputed by Lynton, who described Skoob as an immature and not very bright drunken arse.

Whilst insisting that his very own Treatment Plant Open Day was far superior to any other entry.

Just as things seemed to be calming down, Arm started arguing with Churchmouse and Erskin Quint, stating that his Crematorium article was far superior to either the Dorking taking things apart club article, or the discovery of the source of the Great Bumbogoola River.

Madame Bitters fell asleep with jet lag following her long flight from Texas.

Robert J Halls laughed his head off and announced that the entire book was utter shite. Apart from the illustrations.

Pinxit sent a text saying that he was running a bit late, but that he was on his way, adding that the Dorking artist having an eye grafted onto his penis was by far and away the book's funniest entry.

A brief but incredibly violent scuffle ensued, which resulted in Skoob's pork pie hat getting knocked off, and Lynton spilling his latte all down Madame Bitters' blouse. Order was only restored when Pinxit sent another text telling everyone to behave or he'd have the lot of 'em.

An irate Arm went out and kicked a copper up the arse, but luckily the copper saw the funny side of it and declined to press charges.

"Have they gone yet?" one cowering local squeaked, as he sought refuge in a nearby telephone box.

"Bah, humbug!" said the Queen Mudder when informed of events.

No word yet on the red carpet.

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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