Written by wadenelson

Wednesday, 7 September 2005

image for Lance Armstrong Comeback Threat 'Roid Rage?
Has Lance Gone Postal?

Austin -- Seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong, apparently unaware the French are already pissed off at him, George Bush, and "Everything else American including Wonderbread'" today announced the possibility of his riding a "victory lap" around their country to "Piss them off" in retaliation for charges Armstrong used the performance enhancing drug EPO in the 1991 tour, long before a reliable test was developed for the drug.

It is unclear whether Armstrong would take wife-to-be Sheryl Crowe along on a tandem, or ride with Team Discovery. Afte the suspected drug use was Discovered, Discovery may choose to steer clear of the clearly postal Armstrong. Yet RAGBRAI team "Bad Attitude" has reportedly extended a riding invitation to Armstrong, should he be willing to trade Chaimonix for the cornfields of Iowa.

In a race between dopers and the scientists who attempt to catch them, testing of "old samples" is expected to cut doping today, as cyclists figure out they could get caught tomorrow for today's abuse of anabolic steroids, growth hormones, and performance enhancers like EPO by way of stored samples.

Apparently unable to handle the criticism, Lance lashed out at French editors and publishers over charges that stored samples of his blood from 1991 tested positive using newer, more reliable tests. Whereas Armstrong COULD have offered an alibi, for instance suggesting that someone in the lab could have "spiked" the samples in the 15 years his pee has been stored in a French refrigerator, instead, he's instead gotten mad, stomped his feet, and behaved like someone who got caught.

Or did he? Whether it's his romance with rocker Sheryl Crowe, winning bike races, or interviews with Larry King, Armstrong seems to have embarked on a major, successful campaign to keep his name in the papers, first denying doping, then denying any interest in running for public office, and so forth. "There's no such thing as bad publicity," said his agent, Barry Rosenfeld, "But he is starting to come across as a primadonna, cancer survivor or not."

Should Armstrong attempt an 8th TdF victory, cyclists from France, Belgium, in fact, everyone not on the Discovery team are likely to team up to make damne sure he doesn't win. According to former champion Greg Lemond, "Winning is about heart, not just legs. It's got to be in the right place."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: France, French

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