Written by Stu B

Friday, 7 January 2005

Sir Kerr Macrea opened the Cromer Season with a spectacular Goal and his traditional fight with the ref on Tuesday night. The Old One Two romped to victory with a well rested line-up including some old favourites and a new face.

The team turned out in their usual motley strip of grey, black, white, orange and purple and that was just Six Bellies cheeks during the warm up. The capacity crowd welcomed the portly squad onto the highly polished arena. Facing them were freshly demoted Fort Halstead who fielded a team who appear to have also shunned the Atkins diet. SO these two heavyweights faced each other as the whistle blew.

Metters went straight for the attack in a surge up the right wing which resulted in a number of whistling attempts across the mouth of the goal from Conlin and MacRae but the old one two seemed to have honed their targeting skill in the time since the end of last season and their pin prick accuaracy faied them in the first few minutes.

Finishing counter attacks were no such problem for the equally sweaty Fort Halstead team who threatened at one point to steal a Pie from Adams who sat on the bench in the first half. A number of surges went up the centre where fiery defender Bosher growled menacingly with his exposed shin pads and studded neck collar adding to the air of danger. But the rotund but nimble striker danced round the growling defender like a hippo on ice and planted a good number of on target attempts into the cat like claws of the Stu the Glue. Good use of the telepathic pass was made and we see a calmer Glue this year more inclined to take his time and place his pass, so much so that a number of the Halstead team appealed to the ref. Had he any clue what was going on the ref would have certainly had a word with the porky keeper but as it was he simply continued to listen to the omnibus edition of "The Archers" on his Ipod.

Then, with a creative flurry and much scuffing on the glass like surface, suddenly the Old one two were on the attack like a Surprise attack of Haemorrhoids on a spring morning; they seared up the back and popped out a goal as something of a surprise to Fort Halstead. The Fort tried to reinvigorate their attack but the star striker who made The Glue look like he needed a good breakfast had run out of puff, in 1989.

So the second half arrived and the Old One Two had reserves in the shape of a fully rested Six Bellies who waddled his burgeoning frame onto the midfield and new Signing Keith Goodwin shoring up the defence. Adams failed to capitalise on the possession he so deftly kept by tucking the ball under his overhanging stomach, Halstead defenders thus not being able to get closer than three yards. Whilst defending another Halstead attack disaster struck for newcomer Goodwin when a heavy challenge pushed him into the goal zone. The Ref, who was rewinding a good bit about Shula inseminating a bull spotted the infringement and awarded a harsh penalty. When he was vocally reminded by Sir Kerr of where the penalty spot was the shot was driven home sending the Glue uncharacteristically in the wrong direction.

With surgical accuracy and pinpoint timing the Old One tow struck back with devastating effect and Surefooted Conlin placed in the winner earning him man of the match and enigmatic plaudits from Metters. Halstead were out of ideas and Stu was out of Yorkie bars so the final whistle came not a moment to soon. A buoyed Team await next weeks fixture against old rivals Pegasus with a winning glint in their eye, or is it the shine from the newly polished floor.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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