Written by Tess Tickles

Monday, 13 April 2009

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image for Kim Clijsters: "Woman's Tennis Sucks Donkey Balls"
Kim Clijsters.

Ex-grand slam champion Kim Clijsters has revealed her private reason for returning to the tennis circuit in an interview with Bored Housewife magazine.

"Woman's tennis sucks donkey balls", stated the Belgian, who will return after two years away 'doing nothing but cleaning up after my useless no-good husband and brat kids'.

"It true", revealed the 25 year-old. "Look at these girls. I never heard of any of them. Safarova, Vaidisova, Hantuchova, Pavluchenkova, Heynowheynowdontdreamitsova, getyourlegova...so many fucking ovas from some hellhole in Eastern Europe. NEWSFLASH-you're all shit! Step aside fuckers, I'm back!"

Clijsters, nicknamed miss congeniality, was famed for her charitable nature and friendly demeanor before she left the tour in 2007 but she admits candidly that married life has changed her.

"I left to start a family. Biggest mistake ever. Fucking ungrateful kids. Then there's the husband like Al bloody Bundy. I needed brandy and cigarettes just to get through the day. And the sex wasn't all that."

She's now looking forward to meeting the new names on the tour.

"Should be fun. They're all better looking than me. I'm fat and saggy now. I'm going to bitch slap them and ruin their dreams as soon as the divorce is settled. Fucking cunts. And Venus and Serena...I owe those bitches. Oh, I owe them, yes I do."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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