"Stick With Us": Bates

Funny story written by Stray Photon

Friday, 6 June 2008

Leeds United chairman Ken Bates today launched an impassioned plea to supporters of the 3rd division team to show loyalty following their failure to overcome Doncaster Rovers in the playoff final last month.

"I accept that our supporters have had a huge disappointment this season," continued the former Chelsea supremo, "but we want them to show their support for United at this difficult time. The last thing this club needs is for fans to be tempted to switch their allegiance to a more glamorous Premier League club like, say, Hull City."

Bates put the blame for the team's current predicament squarely down to poor personnel choices for key battles.

"Our legal team were clearly not up to the challenge facing them," Bates concluded.

Meanwhile Hull City supremo Paul Duffen issued a "Hands Off Phil Brown" warning to Chelsea as the shandy-swilling London team continued their increasingly desperate search for a replacement for the departed Avram Grant.

"Mr Abramovitch can offer all the money he wants, but Phil is going nowhere," stated the elegantly dressed Duffen at a hastily arranged press conference.

"Why would I want to move to a team who are on the way down?" said the former Derby manager, exchanging a knowing look with his boss. "What have Chelsea won this season? Even Spurs beat them in the Coco-Clown Cup, or whatever it's called this week."

Brown went on, "Great things are happening here at Hull. I can confidently predict that we will spend the whole of the forthcoming season at a higher position in the Football League than we have ever achieved before."

In other Premiership news: bookmakers are refusing to take any further bets on City legend and Wembley goalscorer Dean Windass winning the coveted BBC Sports Personality of the Year in November.

"It's nailed on," said a spokesman for Ladbrokes, while a representative of Paddy Power, a Mr P Power, added, "Who else has achieved enough this year to earn the right to stand alongside former winners of the calibre of Torvill and Dean, Fatima Whitbread and Princess Anne?"

Mr Windass was unavailable for comment, however his wife spoke exclusively to The Spoof:

"If he thinks he's sticking that piece of tat on our mantlepiece, he can forget it," said Mrs Windass before slamming the door on our reporter's foot.

Next week: Ronaldo speaks exclusively to The Spoof about his "dream move" to the Casey Jones Stadium.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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