Carpenters and stonemasons worked furiously all night Tuesday and early Wednesday, knocking down walls and widening doorways to ensure that Roger Clemens' massive, steroid-filled head could fit in buildings on Capitol Hill.
The project was done quietly after business hours so as not to prejudice the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform as Clemens testified about his alleged steroid use. One official declared at 8 a.m. Wednesday that Capitol Hill "has now been Clemens-proofed."
The Cy Young winner moved effortlessly through hallways after the project's completion, although the tip of his right ear knocked a painting of truth-telling president George Washington off a wall. One minor snafu was reported in the men's room when Clemens couldn't fit his head between the commode partitions nor close its door.
A special high-back chair with steel-girder reinforcement was also constructed in the committee's chamber so that Clemens' head wouldn't flop, causing him to topple backward. Lawyers on either side of him held their breath, hoping his head wouldn't slip in their direction and crush them. And if Clemens' head crashed onto the table in front of him, his handlers were prepared to say he'd forgotten his reading glasses and was examining the fine print in court papers.
Fortunately for everyone in a 15-foot radius of Clemens, there were no mishaps.
Clemens maintained that he never used steroids or human growth hormones, although many in the room doubted him, and photographers had to use wide-angle lenses to capture his image.
Congressmen who challenged Clemens' statements walked a fine in hopes of exposing him. They wanted to bait him into a steroid rage, but feared the consequences. Clemens' self-righteousness and temper could be a lethal combination, which was why the Army Corps of Engineers constructed a moat between Clemens and the committee members.
"You can never take enough precautions when it comes to a big-headed fastball pitcher," one Capitol Hill advisor said.
Meanwhile, one government official saw no reason to "McNamee-proof" the corridors of Capitol Hill since so many sleazy people already walk those halls.
"So what if there's one more?" he said, noting the cost of coating floors and walls with anti-bacterials would be astronomical.
Brian McNamee was Clemens' personal trainer and claimed to inject the superstar with HGH, among other things.
Once the receipts for kickbacks and assorted payoffs are included, construction costs for the Clemens-proofing could be in the multi-millions. However, Macy's Department Store could pick up some of the costs as it partners with Major League Baseball to use Clemens in its famous Thanksgiving Day Parade.
"We don't need a balloon of his head," one Macy's employee said. "We'd have the real thing."
