Written by Ossurworld

Friday, 21 September 2012

Since John Henry relies so heavily on the statistical deviations of metrics and Celsius fan Bill James, we have been unable to make senses of the Red Sox.

Senses are for fans, not insider experts. However, when your three-way ANOVA (analysis of variance between groups, for you dopes) fails you, you may need to turn to the analysis that saved mankind from evolutionary extinction.

Now, more than ever, survival of the Red Sox fittest will come down to a Darwinian overachievement of the 'Five Senses.'

Do the Red Sox fail the eyeball test? Those with eyes to see may wish we were playing in Gaza where being eyeless beats seeing Bobby Valentine scratch lines onto your eyeballs.

If you own one of those fancy HD 3D 90-inch flat screen behemoths, you may be missing out on the Smell-o-Vision quality to the Sox this year. No, we don't mean the odor of Crackerjack and Fenway Franks. We refer to that emanation wafting over the airwaves.

You no longer need hearing like a dog to spot another dog like the Red Sox. However, the Boston media still remains tone-deaf and hears no evil in the Sox clubhouse.

Teddy Roosevelt used to speak softly and carry a big bat. The Red Sox are more of a speakeasy where you can buy mixed drinks at Fenway Park. No stats have been released yet, but the Sox are expected to show a spike in gin and tonic sales at the Park since July.

If you like the Black-eyed Peas singing "I've Got a Feeling," you probably prefer Half-Time to Seventh Inning Stretch. The Sox ownership has a feeling, but they're numb from typing text messages while wearing a catcher's mitt on each hand.

For those who believe in a Sixth Sense, we know you left town in early April, having picked up bad vibes from Bobby Valentine.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Red Sox Nation

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