Liverpool's Luis Suarez Is 'Sorryish' About Patrice Evra Farce

Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 13 February 2012

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Suarez' dad: "Bring me the head of Patrice Evra!"

Luis Suarez, the Liverpool striker at the centre of the racist abuse/non-handshake/lack of suitable, meaningful apology scandal, has said in a statement today that he is "sorryish" about the whole affair, and wishes it would all go away.

Suarez, 25, read out the statement at playtime in the playground at the St Fuckwit's Primary School where he trains daily with other children who are only half his height, and one-third his age, but who have an IQ more than five times that of the Uruguayan.

Many of the pupils at the school couldn't understand the fuss that has sprung up around the incident. One told us:

"Why can't this dimwit just shake Evra's hand and have done with it? He's making himself and Liverpool Football Club look daft. It's childish!"

Said Suarez:

"I am sorry about not shaking his hand - well, sorryish - but only if he is sorry first - and more. I didn't put my hand out to be shaken because I'd have looked silly if he hadn't put his hand out to be shaken, and I didn't want to be the first. He should be the first. After all, he is black."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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