Pope Benedict XVI Slams Then Canonizes Jerry Sandusky

Funny story written by Karen Fish

Monday, 7 November 2011


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When the church fathers created the Papacy for Life they failed to take into account the ravaging effects which Alzheimers Disease has on the mind even of one infallible. This morning Pope Benedict XVI slammed then canonized Penn State defensive coach Jerry Sandusky.

Today Pope Benedict XVI said on the Vatican Radio show 'Breakfast with the Holy Father': "For three hundred years after the death of the Messiah Christians were fed to the lions in the Roman Colosseum. Now you see'em now you don't. My thoughts and prayers go out to the Penn State Nittany Lions shower staff. Jerry Sandusky should be penalized 10 yards for the sex crimes he has allegedly committed against young boys if he is guilty. The church would never turn a blind eye to such behavior. Life begins at ejaculation."

Pope Benedict XVI continued: "On the other hand a woman was caught in the act of adultery and brought before Jesus Christ the Jewish born Rabbi and Messiah of Christianity and Islam. The penalty for this offense was stoning until death. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground then said: 'Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.' Today at the Hajj Jerry Sandusky threw out the first pilgrim."

This afternoon the Holy See announced the canonization of Saint Sandusky the first patron 'Saint of NCAA Football Defensive Ends' even though Jerry Sandusky is still alive. The first miracle is that Coach Sandusky called his autobiography 'Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story' and never got caught. The second miracle is that Jerry Sandusky set up 'The Second Mile' foundation in 1977 for at risk youth and never got caught.

Pope Benedict XVI said at the canonization ceremony for Jerry Sandusky today: "In 'The Green Mile' John Coffey was falsely accused of child murder and rape and he was executed. While on Death Row jail guard Doug Hutchison the husband of Courtney Alexis Stodden stepped on and crushed an inmate's trained pet mouse Mr. Jingles. John Coffey picked up the squished mouse, held it in his hands, light shined from his hands, a cloud of spores flew out of his mouth and Mr. Jingles came back to life. John Coffey then spiritually healed the warden's wife Melinda of brain cancer. Jerry Sandusky may or may not be guilty in the eyes of man, but through his faith in Christ his sins are no more. Human jurors acquitted O.J. Simpson of a double murder; lets see them convict Jerry Sandusky now."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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