Sue Barker: My Moleskin Underwear Hell
More From The Cretin Channel
Arse Disaster 2018:
A London model shits herself, and a Salisbury business man follows through in a critical sales meeting.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Cannibal Joke "In Bad Taste"
A rare charcoal drawing of Henry Purcell and Lionel Ritchie playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Alex "Hurricane" Higgins teaches Moses to drink a yard of ale in the background has been nibbled by capybara.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
I Can See Margaret Thatcher's Face Between Kim Kardashian's Buttocks, Claims Aberdeen Fuckwit
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man in the world to have wooden ears fitted, is a great fan of Arthur Mullard and Hittite footwear.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Bogus Bishop Scourge Rocks Jutland
"I wrote all the novels of Charles Dickens only last year", claims Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth. "It took me ages. He was a long-winded bugger."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Carmen Miranda Obsession Ruined my Life Admits Tim Rice
The Two David Livingstones are getting there in the new semi in Burwash. "The lounge-diner is so snug now we've got the Geronimo figurines lined up along the wainscotting", said David Livingstone,m yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Trendy Dresses For Older Men
Among the recently-discovered unpublished works by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Rolling Pace Eggs With The Cherokee, Constipated In Kathmandu, and Drinking My Way Across The Sudetenland
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
I Lived On Paraffin When I Was Homeless, Claims Sinitta
It was in 1867 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, first broached the Western Foothills of the Nkambo-Bolo, where he discovered the Burrowing Blue-Faced Ningo Warriors, who lived on toast and worshipped Lambert Simnel.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
How To Remove Candle Wax From A Goldfish
"It's a myth that Jean-Paul Sartre used to holiday here", says Saltcoats tripe-dresser Yorick Thumbnaile. "Merleau-Ponty did, mind. He loved the Ten Pin Bowling. The Heideggers came every August as well, for the kippers."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Tea Plantations Are The New Bitcoin
"I lived next door to that Samuel Beckett for a bit", claims Barnsley fruiterer Ken Drastic. "He borrowed my lawnmower and I never got it back. I tried once but I couldn't get across the moat."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
I Used To Drink Toyah Wilcox's Piss Claims Pre-Raphaelite
Cretin Channel Highlights:
20:00 Celebrity Jism
Can Clive of India outwank Robbie Williams?
22:00 Film Chat Review of James Corden in Pigling Bland Goes To Seed
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Save on Shoe-Bills: Have Your Feet Amputated
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris has some advice on how to cope with this lingering wintry weather: "Never go out without a coat, hat and scarf", Rolf warns.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Lord Palmerston's Golliwog Collection To Be Sold Off
The crisis over the papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake has reached tipping-point at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to pile them up in the beer garden", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Miniature Trump Figurines Flood Albanian Market
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says this of Adele: "She's got something of the quality of a Rembrandt about her. He couldn't hold a tune either."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Darlington Wildebeest Horror: One Man's Nightmare
Among the new inventions of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are: a self-righting demi-john stand, an antelope deflector, and a hessian trivet for cooling onions.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Derbyshire Vicar Ravaged by Woodworm
His Holiness The Pope on housework: "Am I a yutz? What kind of schmendrick does their own cleaning? I should schlep room to room. I got some shiksas with mops and buckets to take care of all that schmutter."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Hippo Invasion at Gatwick Grounds All Flights
The Two David Livingstones are still not quite settled in the first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still arguing about where to put the papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake, admitted David Livingstone, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Karl Marx Ate My Great-Grandmother
"Dolphins are the coolest cats in the ocean", claims Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "They're so hip, man. You gotta dig their crazy shit."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Choreographed by Ann Widdicombe!
A Tibetan Sand Mandala depicting William Shakespeare playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Catherine of Arragon shaves her armpits in the background has been ritually dismantled too early by novice monks.
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
Egg Nog Is The New Zambezi
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer has not has much luck with on-line dating. "I was honest with my profile and listed my main hobbies as masturbating and wife-beating, but honesty doesn't seem to mean much these days."
written by Erskin Quint, 03 April 2018
