Broken News!
THIS JUST IN: A Category 5 Tweetstorm descends on the White House. President Trump feared missing—until he was found on the shitter, angrily exercising his executive time.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 02 April 2018
Easter Should be Banned Claims Salford Moron
His Holiness The Pope is not a fan of Easter. "Easter? What do I want with Easter already? Chocolate schmocolate. And with all these giant rabbits, oy, give them a bar mitzvah and we'll never see them again."
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Andrew Lloyd Webber's Nude Pogo Stick Hell
More Highlights from the Cretin Channel
21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off
Can Professor Brian Cox wank higher than Salman Rushdie?
22:00 Movie: Robin Hood Goes to Seed, starring James Corden
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Corpse Stars in Britain's Got Talent
"and Grimaldi had an army of imaginary soldier ants, while I think it was Martin Luther who kept an imaginary tapir in his ferret cages. Or was that Roy Castle?"
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
James Corden To Star In Every New Film
An aquatint etching of Malcolm Muggeridge playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier while Hereward The Wake stares at a dish of rum babas has gone missing from David Hockney's garden shed.
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Dutch Elm Disease Variant Threatens Beckhams
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artefact has had to abandon a project to reproduce the sandstone hot water bottles of the Hittites to commemorate Sir Walter Raleigh's execution. "You can't get the stone", he said yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Embalmed Vicar Stars in New Reality Show
The Two David Livingstones have made significant additions to their kitchen. "We got a spatula, a bread board and a new set of trivets yesterday!" yelled David Livingstone, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Colon Surgery is the New Thursday
The papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake crisis continues at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "It's costing us a fortune", claims landlord Colin Drab. "There's busts in all the rooms and even the urinals are full of them."
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
"Harry Potter is Bunk", Claims Ipswich Egg-Grader
More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cancel the Sunday Carvery - the dining room's full of these damned busts" says landlord Colin Drab."
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Embalmed Umpire Scandal Threatens Wimbledon
"Prince Charles is a decent bloke, really", claimed Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite yesterday. "I just wish he wouldn't keep eels in the bath."
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
Charlemagne Was My Darling
Ely milkman Nicodemus Palge is selling his entire collection of Hittite Laundry Scrapers. "I need the room. Besides, they frighten the budgie", he explained, yesterday.
written by Erskin Quint, 02 April 2018
