21st Century Conservative Values?
Pakistani girl shot for going to school alters 14th Century dogma depriving females of education. Honor student shot in Chicago prompts dogmatic Tea Partier to bash First Lady for attending funeral.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Real Housewives of Bonners Ferry?
GOP Rep. Labrador of Idaho fires staffer for posting reference to racy TV sitcom in tweet confessing, "Me likey Broke Girls." I wasn't aware the Potato State had anything other than "broke girls."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
We Wanted You to Wear Clothes
Due to the Grammy crackdown on exposed breasts and butts this year, Lady Gaga decided to wear a far less revealing garment made entirely of chicken breasts and butt steak.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Another Argument for Mental Health Services
LONE RANGER: In Indiana, N. Carolina, people shot each other to celebrate the 2nd Amendment.
TONTO: That the only 2 states Romney take from Obama. Voters sick in head, Kemo Sabe! Medicine not fix.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Finding Nemo - In the Driveway
Tropical storm running 4 months late, or maybe 3 months early, collides with cold, dry air over Pennsylvania/Kentucky, dumping 3 feet of frozen tropical moisture on climate change skeptic.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Just a Fracking Minute
LONE RANGER: Environmentalists don't want fracking, but business interests do.
TONTO: Money just worthless paper when planet die. No tree to hug. Where Tonto eat granola, Kemo Sabe?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
Obama Trumps Trump
President Obama presents Donald Trump birth certificate and DNA sample proving that he is actually President Abraham Lincoln, finally answering any remaining questions about where he got those ears.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
I Owe Silver
LONE RANGER: Liberals tax and spend. Conservatives don't tax, but spend anyway.
TONTO: Conservative way not make sense. My father own cigar shop. Him put money in bank to cover check, Kemo Sabe!
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
I'm Not Surprised
San Francisco woman surprised when man who just robbed her returns moments later with shopping bag containing celery, seaweed, bean curd, alfalfa sprouts, fish roe and chopped eels.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 February 2013
