Suicide Bomber Blows Self Up!
"Suppository Bomber" goes off before he reaches crowd of shoppers in Iraq market. "He really showed his ass", stated person close by. "Anyone hurt?" "What? His ass is over there see, what?"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
New Stallone Film
Stallone Learns New High Voice Sound for Upcoming Role as "Rickey"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Porn Filmer Sues Company!
Porn filming sues company saying that it has completely ruined his sex life. "My imagination is totally blank!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Home Town Carpenter Days
"Let's Celebrate The Carpenters!" Day in New Haven, Conn. "Carpenter fans were coming out of the woodwork!', say organizers.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
BP Answers Latest Accusations!
BP executives have no memory of having sex with group of nuns on floating iceberg while polar bears watched.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Stuffed Animal Bites Kid.
911 tells parent to buy stuffed animal a stuffed animal to play with. "If it gets tired playing with other stuffed animal it will be too tired to hurt kid. "Sober up, Mrs. Johnson!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
World Splitting Into 1,000 Special Groups!
Thousands of Indonesian Muslims protest US church's plan to burn Koran on 9/11. Plan to use rude gestures.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
"I Was Not Fired!"
JetBlue Flight Attendant: Wasn't Fired, I Quit! "Didn't the whole world witness my leaving on my own?"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Mideast Peace Moves Closer!
PLO president rebuts Iranian president's criticism of peace talks with Israel, going as far as to call Ahmadinejad an illegitimate leader. Iran's response: "We'll take you both out!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Forgot To Tell Militants?
5 days after Obama announced end of combat operations in Iraq, U.S. troops repel a complex attack by a group of heavily armed militants against a Baghdad military HQ. Obama: "May not know it's over!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Labor Day A Little Late To Start!
As Obama Hones Economic Pitch, Window for Success Closing! Too little, too late say upset Democrats of boss!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Dearth Of News!
Little News Carried Over Three-Day Holiday! Japanese declare war on Iceland! UFO lands where new Mosque to be built! Elvis twin alive and well in Atlantis!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Mark Lowton may receive ASBO
There is a rumour on the internet that the editor of TheSpoof.com, Mark Lowton may well-receive an ASBO for painting a sign on his garden gate. It read: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
written by IN SEINE, 05 September 2010
Home Cooking Can Be Deadly
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? Only at your mother-in-laws!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Peace Talks In Jerusalem
US officials: Mideast peace talks to resume in Jerusalem on days Hamas rockets do not fall!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Fraud In Fortune Telling?
Psychics, fortune tellers being regulated to reduce fraud as this is known to happen from time to time.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Vatican Accuses Iran!
Vatican: stoning in Iran adultery case 'brutal'. Not like burning at the stake.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
No RRH Decoys
Endangered or not, wolf killings set to expand but cannot use Red Riding Hood lures!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Messed It Up!
New Zealand cleans up after quake that tore them a new ass! I'm sorry, that should be "tore new fault line."
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Redshirting' Kindergartners
More Parents 'Redshirting' Kindergartners! Holding them back a full year so they get a better start once in school. Of course, in Arkansas & Kentucky they sometimes are redshirted until they're 12.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Deja BOOM!!!
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
written by IN SEINE, 05 September 2010
Ernest T (Taliban) Bass!
Taliban vow to disrupt Afghanistan election unless they get to fire guns into the air and blow a few of themselves up no matter who wins.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Tea Party Or Sane, We'll Take Them!
Tea party or establishment, GOP looks for gains in any way they can. Same as always.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Specializing
Future hiring will mainly benefit the high-skilled, or very sexy.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
No Beer Conference
Pakistan's president open to dialogue with al-Qaida, maybe a goat's piss conference.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Cable News Networks Declared Disaster Area
William Fugate, FEMA Administrator, declared all four cable news networks (CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and CNBC) a Federal Disaster Area after they screwed the pooch on their coverage of Hurricane Earl.
written by Moose, 05 September 2010
President Obama Honors Labor Day By Making a Personal Visit to All 975 US Workers
WASHINGTON, DC - President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he would be visiting all 975 US workers to thank them personally for their hard work.
written by Moose, 05 September 2010
UK police introduce "caveman treatment" for controlling boozed up Babes!
Due to a rapid increasing of female anti-social behaviour UK police have introduced new treatment in an attempt to control it, it's called the Caveman Treatment and the naughty babes love it!
written by unknown
Skimming profits
Magnitude 7.0 quake hits Christchurch on Saturday, will cost New Zealand about $2 billion. World's biggest global exporter of dairy products expected to sell lots of milkshakes to make up difference.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 September 2010
Retroactive Top Kill
To seal problem well, Blackwater Petrol will execute "bottom kill" to fill it with cement. Corporate executives' heads already full of cement before Gulf spill.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 September 2010
"Out in left field"
Chip Saltsman talks about new face of GOP, fiscal discipline, government restraint, job creation, says, "The country's just about had enough." Wrong again! We're completely fed up.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 September 2010
It's Our Right To Smoke!
PETA's latest lawsuit claims U.S. failing to protect Coqui Frog. Native American to appear before congressional committee over peyote-smoking religion.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Pelosi Hasn't Lost All Hope
Pelosi now being attacked by the Far Left. Still, she's promised more help from the more moderate communist party.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Bush Still On WMDs
George W. Bush says that he is still of the opinion that Saddam Hussein had WMD's hid in big spider holes than became afraid of the big spiders.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
More Polls Coming
Latest Poll shows that people are sick to death of stupid polls.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Take Us Seriously
Myanmar distances itself from Burma days, Burma Shaves!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Mideast Talks Help
PLO and Israel thank Hillary Clinton for time to talk, reload.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Vuvuzelas Over Drums of War
Sound of the Vuvuzela drowned out the drums of war and saber rattling during South Africa games. So they're not so bad.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Hybrids Doing Their Own Ads.
New talking hybrid tomatoes to do their own ad on TV. Right now they are consulting with Raisins from "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" fame.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Enya Declares Ceasefire
Warbling Irish folk singer Enya has said today that her merciless attacks on the world of music are officially over.
written by Trip Nasti, 05 September 2010
Beck Speech
Glen Beck Speech: "I have a dream of little Republicans & Democrats playing together in the White House Rose Garden"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Education No Help?
Students around the nation learning more from teacher layoffs than any other subject.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
That Was Some Time Ago!
Beginning nest January "Tiger's Mistresses" will begin showing up on golf courses causing many to fondly recall the days of "Arnie's Army"!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Matbe The IS Global Warming
Large iceberg that fell off Greenland ice shelf now a cube in Carnival Cruise Captain's cocktail.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Sings His Demands!
The latest Bin Laden released video has an excellent sound track.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Money DNA!
New US policy may have you place a spot of blood on every spent $100 bill. Most don't have to worry.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Tax Upon Tax, "Here A Little, There A Little"
States to pass new tax on all local taxes you're already paying!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Policy Changes
US Military' "Don't ask, Don't Tell" being replaced by "Don't ass, Don't tail until all are sleeping well!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Cricket Betting Gets Worse
They fixed almost every match': Now Pakistan player claims team mates were involved in betting scams.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Basque Cease-Fire!
Basque separatists ETA announce cease fire. "We're out of bullets!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
More Bad News Coming
Afghans continue pulling money from troubled bank, investing heavily in Nigerian banks.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Az. Guv Apologizes
Ariz. governor says she was wrong about beheadings. "We never should have went that far!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
LSU Over Sanction-Crippled NC
LSU holds on against short-handed Tar Heels 30-24. "It was a squealer", says LSU Coach Ned Beatty.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Ireland Salutes Blair!
Former PM Tony Blair being egged on in Ireland during book tour.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Obama 42% Rating
POLL: Obama approval at 42%. Congress at minus number for the first time!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Democracy Fading Fast?
DEMOCRATS PLAN POLITICAL TRIAGE TO RETAIN HOUSE! Most can remember when the people were the ones electing politicians.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
France Still Banning Veils?
French bid to ban veils worries allies, tourists, brides.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Between Rock Heads & Rock Throwers!
Abbas: Will quit peace talks if no building freeze. Israeli settlers: "We'll vote you out if you make us leave."
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Basque Separatists Announce Cease Fire!
Basque separatists ETA announce cease fire. "So quit firing at us, already."
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Palin Neighbors Move
AP Interview: Author leaving home next to Palins! "She's starting to sag a bit!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
AA Ads: "WE Have A Sense Of Humor!"
JetBlue: Flight attendant's big exit was for good. May begin doing ads for American Airlines.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Traveler's Favorite Loses Job Permanently!
JetBlue: Flight attendant's big exit was for good so we hope his exit was fun. May have his own Talk Show this fall!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Still All Smiles!
Pulitzer-winning cartoonist Paul Conrad dies at 86. Funeral director stated that they didn't even have to place a smile on his face.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Can't Stand The Loud Laughter
AP Interview: Author leaving home next to Palins. "There must be up t0 1,000 republicans over their plotting away everyday!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Craigslist Removes Adult Feature
Craigslist strikes adult services under pressure from Las Vegas, Reno, etc.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Strike three!
Burger King to stop buying oil from Indonesian co. after third finger found this past year.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Burger King Switches
Burger King to stop buying oil from Indonesian co. Switching to BP's light sweet crude.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Top Summer Sky Objects
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects to See Before Fall: Saturn getting still another ring, topping that of Liz Taylor!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Top Ten
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects to See Before Fall: The former planet Pluto going on a mad rampage!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Boehner Perfect For Job
Speaker-in-waiting Boehner balances GOP factions. He would be perfect to unite "Their Bibles & Their Guns!"
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
One Day They'll Get It Right
Suicide car bomb explodes in Baghdad. For the fiftieth time, orders go out not to let a wild-looking driver through the streets.
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
More BP Delays
BP: Crews lifting device from Gulf face delay. No one expected any more delays, of course. Not from good old BP!
written by Bureau, 05 September 2010
Rooney doesn't score goals therefore he "scored" with a £1k hooker!
Wayne Rooney has f****d up his life,his marriage,his career and £1K a night brunette bombshell hooker. The lives of our overpaid superstars knows no limits!
written by unknown
A blow job is still a job
Mounting public pressure forces San Francisco-based Craiglists to remove sex classifieds from site. City economy likely to suffer - those were the only Craiglists postings that led to paying work.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 September 2010
The art of faking it
Study: Sound waves can detect inorganic pigments using photoacoustic infrared (PAIR) spectroscopy to spot potential fakes without risk of damage. Discovers Mona Lisa was actually having a bad day.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 September 2010
The Pot Calling Johnny Walker Black
Recent behavioral science paper concludes that standard tests to determine intoxication levels in others can yield dramatically inaccurate results, especially if intoxicated while performing them.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 September 2010
Wana be rapper, Bitch Slapped out of music business for not using the words bitches or ho's in first single release.
The unknown rapper whose first single, "Yo, you my woman" was declared a traitor to all rappers for refering to bitches and ho's as women.
written by truybill, 05 September 2010
