President Obama: I run on barely concealed rage at my...
President Obama: America runs on Dunkin', I run on Marlboros, two at a time, and barely concealed rage at my absentee father.
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Obama: ...I want to know how she tastes.
Said President Obama, on the retirement of Methuselah, "Helen Thomas looks like Grampa from The Munsters if he had on Bay City Rollers wig. Nevertheless, I want to know how she tastes.
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Too Soon?
Tony Hayward yachting in the very water he spilled oil in? Definition of too soon. That's like Elin catching Tiger Woods jerking off. Oh, sorry, UK readers: Wanking.
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
It's NEVER the victims fault when they get raped by a pack of...
"I can't believe Mel Gibson is so insensitive," said lawyers for Oksana Eanqpuenbpefnbf: "It's NEVER the victims fault when they get raped by a pack of... Wait, am I missing the point?"
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
She will begin having sex with Magic Johnson at 12:01AM...
Virginia woman set to be executed tonight by lethal injection. "She will begin having sex with Magic Johnson at 12:01AM."
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
The man's got flawless knees.
CNN: The news today is all about some guy named Ahmadinejad and nothing about Hasselhoff getting kicked off DWTS for "bad knees". The man's got flawless knees. Cover Up!!!
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
I Know Tragedy, Said Senate Hopeful Linda McMahon. "My Daughter Was Once Kidnapped By The Undertaker."
I Know Tragedy, Said Senate Hopeful Linda McMahon. "My Daughter Was Once Kidnapped By The Undertaker."
written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Facebook protests movie, disables website
Outraged by the upcoming release of The Social Network movie, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has pulled the plug on its popular website until Columbia Pictures agrees not to show the film.
written by Skews Me, 23 September 2010
Bend it like Beckham
Former England Captain's private life comes out after encounter with paps. Well it's a lot more detailed than his C.V. ever could be.
written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Woman takes on bear... and wins
Woman attacks bear with courgette. RSPCA searching for her after they settled their other annual case of "dog in a dumpster"
written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
England Team Given Deli Go Ahead
Following speculation Capello won't let them eat at all to avenge losses at South Africa.
written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Three-year-olds being labelled bigots by teachers??
Blame Super Nanny!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Eating three square meals a day 'a better way to diet than grazing'
WTF? Not if you are a fat, lazy cow hooked on grass!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Bentley recalls 1,500-strong fleet amid fears retractable 'Winged B' could injure pedestrians
Fortunately the spiked titanium bull bars remain intact!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg is valued at $6.9bn in Forbes That's Rich list
Claims to have more dosh than Apple's Steve 'Big' Jobs and NewsCorpse's Rupert 'The Bear' Murdoch
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
BBC's John Humphrys' abrasive voice used to scare off Old Dears from allotments
Always said he'd missed his true vocation!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
UK homosexual population: Just 1.5% of Britons say they are gay, lesbian or bisexual
The other 98.5% of respondents are lying says Gaydar
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Britain's youngest mother,12, evicted 'after throwing up at wild drug-fuelled panties'
Er, should read 'after throwing wild drug-fuelled parties'...
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Mystery US millionaire donates $8m to Australian wombats
Sexual guilt, eh?
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Kazakhstan president for Nobel Peace Prize?
If Barack Obama can win it then anyone can.
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Bill Clinton blames Russian immigrants as obstacle to peace
Well, he should know, being a top KGB colonel from Bloodyvostock!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Sesame St drops 'inappropriate' Katy Perry
Sure must have upset the Trash Heap big time!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Oxytocin - a love hormone that could cure shyness?
Try alcohol, works just as easily and without need for messing about with bodily secretions!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
French thieves dressed as cleaning ladies used their Hoovers!
A gang of French ex-cleaning ladies used an ingenious method to suck the cash out of the tills whilst robbing shops, their Hoovers! The French Publique have named them "Les Scrubbers Terriblés"!
written by unknown
LibDem conference: Vince Cable turns his guns on home owners
Coroner at Mark Saunders' police shooting inquest says "Oh yes?"
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Eskimo loophole to save Scotland's sporran industry?
More like Icelandic sinkhole if you ask me!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Cats threat to UK stem cell supremacy?
Nah, it's cuts, silly!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Two drinks make elderly unsteady on feet
The first one is alcohol and the second liquid paraffin....
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Gordon Brown Stig quotes No1
Some people say that when he fills up his car, he contemplates whether he's cheating on America.
written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Ten Best Places In The World To Be Gay?
The White House, Buckingham Palace, The Vatican, The Kremlin, Madame Jo-Jo's, Britain's Got Talent TV show, Hampstead Heath, the British Army, the French Army, BBC Board of Governors...
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Man U FC under screwtiny following Rooney fiasco
Hookers banned from wearing away strip and from shagging on the touchlines.
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
CIA ran a secret army of 3,000 assassins
And why not when it's so easy to blame the hits on the KGB and Mossad!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Nudists fight for bear necessities as swingers invade top UK fleshpot haunt
That's no way to describe the Pratts Bottom Women's Institute!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
The secret deal that bailed out the monarchy!
Cops turned a blind eye to Charles' bank robberies, cocaine dealing and insider trading of Northern Crock Bank shares!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Guys don't care what you look like naked says Julia Roberts
Pretty damning indictment on the state of her love life says current squeeze.
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
UK stuck in a 'mortgage famine'?
That's what happens when you screw over the Fat of the Land!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Trident decision 'on hold until 2015' say Lib Dems
Yeah, but WTF do THEY know??
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Bang! Ahmadinejad blasts Israeli leader
Fortunately no blunderbuss involved.
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Scientists Say Deadly Malaria Came To Humans From Gorillas
So stop blaming poor Cheryl Cole's hairy armpit!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
May blames yob crime rise on Labour
So what? June and July say it's the Tories' fault all along.
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Irish economy suffers shock contraction!
Birthpang fears that another Irish Anti-Christ is about to be spawned!
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Six reasons why Liverpool FC are pants:
Liverpool 1-3 Aston Villa, Liverpool 1-2 Lyon, Portsmouth 2-0 Liverpool, Liverpool 1-2 Reading, Birmingham City 1-1 Liverpool, Liverpool 2-2 Northampton Town etc
written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Brit Fish & Chip Shop owner battered to death
'He tastes better than the haddock' say customers.
written by pinxit, 23 September 2010
The BBC have been broadcasting Chris Moyles and not paying him.
survey suggest that listeners would much rather this were the other way round.
written by matthatt, 23 September 2010
Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin & LiLo in same bed
New varieties of roses unveiled at IOW Flower Show
written by pinxit, 23 September 2010
Paris Hilton sent home from Japan,
China says, "We will have you!"
written by matthatt, 23 September 2010
Salon Owner Comments on Rose O'Donnell Vajazzling
There aren't enough Swarovski crystals in the world.
written by Charpa93, 23 September 2010
Wienerschnitzel Pays College Men for Ad Space on Crotches
Owner of Wienerschnitzel John Galardi announced today that the fast-food company will begin paying college students $1,000 each to wear Speedos with slogans emblazoned across the crotch.
written by Moose, 23 September 2010
Check, Cash or Credit Card
New Republican Congress plans to introduce legislation to recoup the $3 trillion spent by the previous Congress. Each of 59 Democrats will be assessed approximately $50 billion over their lifetime!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Running Scared
US economy is in the crapper, unemployment at 9.6% & the Obama administration is wrapped around the axle with "Don't Ask Don't Tell!" No wonder Tea party candidates scare the president & SML Reid!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Shall We Dance
Democratic governor of a blue state on the Chesapeake Bay touts how many jobs he has created, while the state's unemployment rate keeps rising. Sounds like the Obama two-step song and dance!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
FED Tackles Economic Growth
Federal Reserve policymakers are debating what steps are needed to get the U.S. economy to grow at a faster rate. One suggestion is to expand the FED portfolio with Viagra, Cialis and Levitra!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
The Keystone Cops Were Busy
Larry summers departure as director of the National Economic Council has led to speculation about his replacement. President Obama is considering a woman for the position, such as Lady Gaga!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
While I'm Here at the UN
Iranian President Ahmadinejad speaks at the UN, railing against the USA and capitalism for causing poverty. He then heads to Bellevue Hospital to have his head removed from his ass!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Obama Addresses the UN
President Obama apologizes to the UN for capitalism possibly causing poverty. He says he is working as fast as he can on the USA economy to eliminate capitalism!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Imprunement Proceedings
The new Republican Congress considers impeaching President Obama. A representative from Georgia says "can we imprune him, as we raise a lot of tasty peaches in Georgia?"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Not Mr. Popularity
President Obama is economically challenged, Commander in Chief putting his left wing political base ahead of the USA's national interest in Afghanistan & spends taxpayer money the USA doesn't have!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Program Management (PM) 103
Plan 3 scheduled approaches to fix the problem (US economy), low risk long schedule, medium risk average schedule, & high risk aggressive schedule (Obamanomics)! If fail look for other employment!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
World's Smelliest Cheese
Vieux Boulogne, a French cheese the world's smelliest cheese? A Man in Hog Jaw Arkansas claims the cheeseburger he found in the back seat of his 1956 Chevy contains the world's smelliest cheese!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
FDA Labels Needed on Genetically Engineered Salmon
Man eats genetically engineered salmon, adding eel genes to make the fish grow bigger. Wife notices increased size of husband's anatomy, without Viagra. However, dorsal fins & tail present obstacles!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
At the Distracted Drivers Conference
The Secretary of the Interior indicated that non-hands free devices such as cell phones, texting devices and vibrators must not be used while driving any motorized vehicle!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Distracted Driver Warning Labels
New warning labels on cell phone and texting device packaging. Label reads "YOU STUPID, IGNORANT, BASTARD DON'T USE THIS DEVICE WHILE DRIVING AS YOU MAY KILL SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR MISERABLE SELF!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
