More Voters Added On
Reid tacks on immigration amendment to defense bill. Many more illegals would become legal.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Google Not Helping To Block
Creepy Google stalker proves your privacy is an illusion. If you're online, you can be easily found and targeted.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Obama tells students 'sorry, you missed the boat'
President Obama delivered his back to school speech at Philadelphia's Masterman School today, telling students their future is full of endless disappointment.
written by Moose, 14 September 2010
Where We're Headed?
In a country where most people have government-dependent jobs, the Castro brothers fire a tenth of the workforce in one fell swoop. What do 500,000 people do now? Sound familiar?
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Talks Continue
Israeli-Palestinian talks in Egypt address key issues of conflict. Number one being that Israel doesn't exist.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
This Time It's Obama's "Victory"
American troops helped Iraqi forces battle suspected al-Qaida militants for 2 days, deploying ground units, launching airstrikes in what appears to be the most extensive fighting since they left Iraq!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
After Her Death
Recluse found to be UK war heroine after her death. First person ever to do that after they are dead.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
That's The French
French Senate passes ban on full Muslim veils. Full frontal nudity is still fine.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Gladys Parton Brown Retires
Dolly Parton's older sister finally retires from her 38-year job at The Purdier Than A Newborn Heifer Hair & Nail Salon."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Mostly Broken Thumbs
Skoob's Law: For every single arm-bending exercise there is an equal and opposite injury.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Realistic Movie
Hollywood is about to make a movie about an old guy who had penis problems and they are trying to do it true to life. It will be entitled "The Right Stiff"
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
First Outer Space Reception Comes In!
Earth listening device hears first broadcast from another planet 100 light years and seven days away: "Ponduka, careful where you put your fleebers or I'll inform."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Woe Is Us!
Last positive thinking American discovered at loony bin.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
We Have Things To Do!
Government announces that Memorial Day 2011 special services and parade will be outsourced to India!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Obama Doing Flyover!
President Barack Obama to fly over Washington DC to see what's left of a once great country until two years ago!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
My Opinion!
Remember: We must never ever forget November ninth! (11-9)
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Legal Pot!
Legalise cannabis sales to cut crime and save the NHS millions, says expert. "As it is now, the whole place is going to pot anyway!"
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Blair The Peacemaker
Tony Blair (the man many call a war criminal) awarded a medal by Bill Clinton for his 'resolution of conflicts' around the world. Now Bill on same shit list as Blair!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Steered From Driver In Front
The popemobile that the pope will be in while visiting Britain is the one where he had the fake steering wheel and drives like crazy. "Look out! I'm a wild man! Boooden! Booooden!"
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Really Just Enjoying Myself
Shamed George Michael jailed for eight weeks for smashing his 4x4 into shop while high on life, according to him.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Don't Tread On Me!
America & Europe face the worst jobs crisis since the 1930s and risk "an explosion of social unrest", the IMF has warned. "People are beginning to get really angry over what has happened!"
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Reid In SUV At Energy Summit
Harry Reid arrives at clean energy summit...in fleet of SUVs. Obama: Maybe I should have asked Palin?"
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
But Remove Thenm Before Going Into Bank
French Senate passes ban of full Muslim veils, approve ski masks.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
OZ PM Re-elected With Support of Fans of Obscure Sports
Julia Gillard will stay as Australia's PM after winning support of LaCrosse followers and Tennis fans to her coaltion of Rugby and Cricket.
written by ronin47empire, 14 September 2010
Britney Struggles With Kids
Exclusive: Britney Spears Struggling to Control Kids Amid Abuse Allegations. "More like they're abusing me", states Spears!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Terrorist Insurgents blow up coffee machine at Sainsbury's!
Insurgents attacked a Sanisbury's coffee machine today in the UK, a sucide bomber attempted to be blown up with the machine but failed, so he had a cappuchino instead!
written by unknown
Seeing Red On Roma
EU's lady from Luxembourg sees red on Roma. French response: Was the lady addressing us? I thought she meant Poland."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Global hunger rapidly increases as obese people attack M**Donalds!
Global hunger is on the rise as starving, fatties attack junk-food joints, as for the real hungry and starving, they don't mind they're used too it!
written by unknown
Egypt Seeking Elevation
Egypt is seeking a role as an American ally as it hosts Israeli-PLO peace talks today, a calculation plays into Mubarak's succession strategy. "After all, we have PLO wall on the other side."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Egypt Comes Forth For Peace Talks
Egypt is seeking a role as an American ally as it hosts Israeli-PLO peace talks today, a calculation plays into Mubarak's succession strategy. "We love the PLO but owe Israel for 400 years of slavery.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Farmer Fined For Trying To Make Money
County Sues Farmer, Cites Too Many Crops! What's he trying to do? Can't make money farming anymore, say officials.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Better To Drink Pissy Water!
Swimming in chlorinated pools 'can lead to cancer'!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Don't Think Either One Needs Stimulation
Feds Spent $800,000 of Economic Stimulus on African Genital-Washing Program. But not one cent on stimulating rednecks!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Why Not A Million?
Feds Spent $800,000 of Economic Stimulus on African Genital-Washing Program! Just so long as they're not wasting our money.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
George Michael To Jail
George Michael sentenced to 8 weeks in jail but gets to pick his roomy out of shower room.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Those In Pogo Spoke Cockney!
Australian scientist, Radar O'Reilly, find bats have regional accents.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Spidey's In Marvel Comics
New Spidey star has prepped for role all his life. "I've read over 2,000 DC Comics since I learned to read."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
9 Of 10 Breast Feed!
CDC: Utah leads US for breast-feeding, 9 of 10 try. All ten wives participate!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
New Toilet Stats #2
Restroom spies say we're washing hands, being propositioned, more often
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
New Toilet Stats
Restroom spies say we're washing hands, suffering black eyes more often.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
That Clears That Up!
Environmental Protection Agency told gas drilling does, does not taint water!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
These Bats Turn Into Umpires
Scientists find drugs that may fight balls disease. I'm sorry, that should be "bat" disease.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Don't Take Any Venusian Shlops
Global stocks retreat as yen hits 15-year high. Venusian shlops hit the hardest.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Corn Syrup Wants New Name
Corn syrup producers want sweeter name: Sweetcorn Sugary Orgasm!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
A Little Sarcasm Never Hurts
Obama: Students should work hard, focus on school. Students applaud, saying they had never considered that fact.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Then They'll Borrow More!
Senate set to clear $30B credit for small business hoping they will pay it all back in higher taxes.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Al-Screech May Be Charged
US considers terror charges for cleric al-Awlaki, also al-Screech, his half brother.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
But Don't Get Hopes Up!
August retail sales up less than half of one percent, best in 5 months!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Castro: Many Wanted Me To "Lay-Off", So...
Cuba's leaders lay out details for layoffs. Then 50% of them are laid off!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Talks Not Working?
In talks, no progress seen on Israeli settlements, anything else.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Meathead Gaga!
Lady Gaga says she's "not a piece of meat". "It's just my head."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
North To South Poles
Australian launches bid to run from the North to South poles off to a bad start as he reports that there's no pole there.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Veteran Character Harold Gould Dies
Veteran character actor Harold Gould dies at 86! He will have a military honor service tomorrow!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Lie There & Suffer
Forces told to shoot anyone defying Kashmir curfew. Three with charlie horses in legs wounded last night.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
He Really Had To GO!!
Forces told to shoot anyone defying Kashmir curfew. Over 100 people with outside toilets fire at last night.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Not A Good Time
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock, horse trading!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Explosive Pipes Everywhere
Aging gas pipe at risk of explosion nationwide. Experts say everyone needs to wear puffy clothes!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Press In Control
Could Sarah Palin's glamorous new life in Wasilla derail a presidential run? Could negative articles daily affect it more?
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Chaning Name Doesn't Change Product
Corn syrup producers want sweeter name: corn sugar. A disease causing substance by any other name is still a disease causing substance.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
SHOCK! Pretty Female Reporter In Football Locker Room Gets Ogled!
RUTHERFORD, NJ - The sporting world was shocked when it learned that men in the Jets' locker room were behaving like men in a locker room.
written by Moose, 14 September 2010
Tax Issue Won't Go Away, Jobs Do!
If Congress fails to take any action on the tax cuts already in the present rates, then they will expire at the end of this year. Businessmen will have no choice but to cut costs, meaning employees.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Uri Geller to open chain of gastro pubs
to be called Wither Spoons
written by matthatt, 14 September 2010
Democrats Plan Nancy Pelosi's Going-Away Party
WASHINGTON, DC - House Majority Leader, Steny Hoyer is planning a huge party to celebrate Nancy Pelosi's departure as Speaker of the House. Ms. Pelosi has not been invited.
written by Moose, 14 September 2010
Dead Lennon Outdoes Live Ringo
Tribute concert planned for Lennon's 70th birthday. Ringo sore after practically being ignored for his 70th!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Lots Of Rods Around
K-Rod due in NYC court before Judge A-Rod after fight at Citi Field.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Happens Every Year
Flowers bloom on runways, teens sneaking into favorite hiding spots at NY Fashion Week!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
None Hit US So Far!
Julia becomes hurricane in Atlantic as Igor churns. Tune in today for "Julia & Her Twisters".
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
France Criticized By Fellow EU Members
EU body calls France's Gypsy expulsions 'disgrace'. Say now they'll be heading to OUR countries.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
France Criticized In EU
EU body calls France's Gypsy expulsions 'disgrace' "typical of snobbery."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
China Postpones Japanese Visit
China postpones visit to Japan amid ship dispute. Besides, China doesn't think they would all fit on the islands.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Terrorists Could Be Digging Underground
Aging gas pipe at risk of explosion nationwide. This is a great thing to tell the terrorists.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
50-Year Old Pipes Could Burst
Aging gas pipe at risk of explosion nationwide. Cities admit that they should have been replaced in the 1960's.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Wary Investors #5
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead, many can be found every night at the casinos!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Wary Investors #6
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead they are sleeping late after a big night of Bingo!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Wary Investors #4
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead they are down at the pool hall betting on the games.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Wary Investors #3
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead are down at the park, pitching pennies.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Wary Investors #2
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead are on park benches, trading lies about the time they made the big hit!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Wary Investors!
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead, have began trading knives on park benches!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Cuba Cuts 500,000 Jobs
Cuba to cut 500,000 gov't workers, reform salaries. Told by officials: "There's nothing her to buy anyway."
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Keeping In Shape?
Walking helps keep body and brain young, pockets empty from muggings.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Confined Forever!
New drug-resistant superbugs found in 3 states. All three asked to keep their people in those states for the rest of their lives or until cure found.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Clinton In Egypt
Clinton in Egypt ahead of peace talks, behind in results!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Both Time & Representatives Are Ripe
Mideast leaders meet, Clinton says 'time is ripe' as both smell rotten!
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
New Superbugs
New drug-resistant superbugs found in 3 states. These have to be surgically removed and stomped on the floor by surgeon's assistant.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
New Faces Over Old Political Ads!
Final round primary voters in 7 states set tickets. Only a couple of new laws and we can campaign the year around every year.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Don't Hike In Iran!
Iran's English language state television has reported that American Sarah Shourd has been released after more than a year in prison, after being arrested for hiking.
written by Bureau, 14 September 2010
Financial Crisis Has Been Resolved Overnight
Deficit defunct as bartering reintroduced. Abuja, Nigeria now the world's financial centre.
written by Mercy Me, 14 September 2010
'I got ripped in 3 minutes' claim
Teenager Errol Dando broke into the lions' enclosure at London Zoo. A hospital spokesman said 'Errol is ripped alright'.
written by pinxit, 14 September 2010
Cuban Government Layoffs
Cuba will lay off 500,000 state employees by March 2011, trying to move most into the private sector. Laid off workers appeal to President Obama for unemployment insurance as he is a fellow leftist!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Cuban Government Laid off Workers Smiling
Many of the 500,000 Cuban state employees that may be moved into the private sector are happy. American corporate executives are negotiating to open manufacturing plants, paying good non-union wages!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Cuban Capitalists May Arise
Many of the 500,000 Cuban state employees being moved into the private sector could work for American corporations. American labor unions may get card check, but their jobs may be checking into Cuba!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
US Imports from Cuba
The Chinese could set up manufacturing plants in Cuba employing laid off workers. FDA recalls on toxic products would be made much easier, as Cuba is only 90 miles away and Spanish is spoken here!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Left Wing Voo Doo Economic Policy
Obama's Chief Economic Advisor resigns & goes back to UC Berkeley to teach economics. Oh s**t, the same Obama administration moronic economic policies will eventually plague our great-grandchildren!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Stupidity Sells
As long as politicians believe voters are stupid the likes of Obama, Pelosi and Reid will be elected. TV advertisers treat their viewers as stupid and the politicians have seen this approach works!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Annoying Political Phone Messages
A Computer Engineer has developed a system that automatically returns calls from political candidates that occur during dinner time. The message is "I'm sitting on the potty and can't come to……….!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Liberal Attack Dogs Strategy
Democratic liberal left politicians attack opponents using libelous arguments, with impunity. If the Republicans dare to counter they are labeled racists & the liberals pout their feelings are hurt!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Possible EEOC Law Suit
A worker asks EEOC to sue his employer for making him wear long sleeve shirts to work. Joe Smith has tits tattooed all over his forearms, claiming religious discrimination as he is a Hedonist!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Transparent Government Implemented
OSHA mandates implanting computer chips to monitor all Obama administration personnel. The devices indicate tax evasion, lobbyist affiliation, lying to Americans & propensity to spend taxpayer money!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 September 2010
Classifieds - My sister's diary
For sale, my sister's diary. Find out what she said about you. £30 ono, phone after 7 because she's going round to her friends house.
written by IainB, 14 September 2010
Leafleters Conference
Please note that the tickets for day two of this even will be left underneath your windscreen wiper; even if it is raining.
written by IainB, 14 September 2010
