New Low Loan Rates
Bank loans are never going to be lower! Take out a loan today for a new car, new furniture or that penis transplant you've always wanted! BR-549!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Telethon Week
Jerry Lewis and Sally Struthers say they can both stand in the shadow of Kirstie Alley!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
I'm A Free Woman
Martha Stewart celebrates five years of freedom by having her gardener flog her nude body with Long blooming chives.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Motto No Longer True!
Las Vegas officials asked about "What happens in Vegas..". Looks like some left in it in Paris.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
That's An Understatement
Obama said he understands why some Democratic congressional candidates are not saying much about his landmark health care overhaul, even many who once supported it. The new law has proven unpopular.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
President Deaf To Comment
Obama ignores question: Aren't you glad the same people who can't protect the country from illegal aliens are good enough to run health care?
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
He's A Fine One!
Dick Cheney caught looking over map of Whoville once again.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
If There's Any Left
Administration lowers expectations of political progress in Iraq. "But they're learn to get along eventually", says President.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
What's That Mean?
HS Sec. Napolitano will mark the 9th anniversary of 9/11 with a speech Friday in NY vowing to keep up the fight & "to enlist the nation in its own collective security." I feel better already!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Government Can't Get Anything Right?
GOVERNMENT MOTORS CEO GETS $9 MILLION PAY PACKAGE. Remember how the others were criticized?
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Iman Ignores Pastor's Deadline
Ground Zero imam ignores pastor's two-hour deadline. I wouldn't get the pastor pissed or it could get worse.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Every Vote Counts
President Obama goes after the "Silent Majority" for democrats running for office this fall by hosting an air guitar concert in Washington.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
On A 9-0, Power Vote!
The Supreme Court struck down a poor old street wino today just because they can!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
More TV Ads!
CBS says that they will have to resort to more advertising if they are going to stay on the air, beginning with Sunday's "45 Minutes!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
This Just In!
This just in: Kirstie Alley has finally finished her breakfast this afternoon.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
If He's Ever Caught
If we ever catch Bin Laden, the United States say they will house him here during the week and the Brits can have him on the weekends.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
US Handover Completed
Over the weekend, the U.S. completed the Iraqi handover to six different factions, two more than when we came.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
They Won't Let Me Be!
One nice touch to President's "Poor Me" speech today was having Linda Ronstadt doing the song in the background.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Most Hope He Quits Doing It!
Approximately two years into his presidency Barack Obama gave his "Poor Me, Nothing I've Done Has Worked" speech.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
American Atheist Organization Plans to Burn Holy Books
American Atheists announced plans for "burn a holy book" night. Copies of the Torah, Quran, Christian Bible and other texts will be burned and used to toast marshmallows for a festive event.
written by Albert Addlewit, 10 September 2010
President Obama to Burn Koran on Oval Office Rug
President Barack Hussein Obama, frustrated with the media for ignoring his press conference this morning, vowed to regain his momentum by burning a Koran on the new Oval Office carpet this Sunday.
written by Moose, 10 September 2010
Tiger Stumbling Along Again
Woods struggles again at Cog Hill. Is the man sick or had his energy sapped?
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Flipped Out?
US judge: 'Don't ask, don't tell' unconstitutional! Will have to think about "Don't Tell, Don't Ask".
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Castro Misquoted?
Castro says he was misinterpreted on Cuban economy. "Look around you. We live in the lap of luxury! We Castros, I mean!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Really Into Protesting!
Afghans protest Fla. pastor plans to meet NY imam, go have dinner, drive car home, having a good night's sleep.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
We're Headed That Way!
Obama says Democratic policies moving US forward. Leaves off "towards bankruptcy".
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Just Some Fun!
Former VP Cheney admits he changed sign near Bush desk to "The Buck Snorts Here!".
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Can't Keep Blaming Others
Obama says voters may blame him for economy. "The Buck Stops Here" Mr. President.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Missing: 230,000 Centenarians!
Japan missing more than 230K listed centenarians. "We believe many died years ago and someone else got the checks. Either that or they all run away from home."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Thing have just got KoREAL
Another U-turn: Apparently Pastor meant he wants to burn a KorEan all along. Al-Qaeda appeased but Kim Jong Il furious.
written by Nick Carr, 10 September 2010
Worse Than Koran Burning!
Priest sex abuse linked to 13 suicides in Belgium. Are the offenders still priests?
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Fresh Air & Farm Work!
Doctors prescribe 'fresh air and farm work' for patients with depression. "They see what it was like during THE depression!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Might Be A Clash!
'Army' of police to keep rival groups separate at Ground Zero 9/11 anniversary demonstrations. Now Mayor has requested National Guard on 'Standby'.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Blair: Literary License
Blair accused of stealing lines from The Queen film to put in his memoirs (even screenwriter admits he made them up). "It needed some color, like the Hillary Shooting scene!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
But Still Not Sure
Pastor Terry Jones finally calls off 9/11 Koran-burning at church. Other church pastors still plan on it.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
40,000 Police Cuts?
'Christmas for criminals': 40,000 frontline police staff face axe if spending cuts go through, warns union boss. "It'll be a hot Holiday season!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Vatican Condemns Koran Buring, Video
The Vatican has officially announced that they are against any Koran burnings, plus they know nothing about video "Priests Gone Wild!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
An Offer He Couldn't Refuse?
Non-excited "Price Is Right" contest winner found in the river wearing concrete shoes.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Gurkhas Out?
Britain says it no longer needs the Gurkhas anymore and will go to soccer hooligans in an emergency.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
"How About It Big Guy?"
Man arrested for making date with 13-year-old over the internet says he knew it was that cute FBI agent all the time.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Making A Sale Not Easy
Lady in charge of perfumes and colognes chasing man half way down the mall trying to spray "Hero's Balls" on him!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
New Miss Universe
Three-breasted Venusian the winner of last night's Miss Universe Contest.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
According To Jerry Mathers
The Tony Dow index is down again for the 40th year in a row.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Pretty Good Odds
Kentucky horse tracks giving two-to-one odds on legalized gambling by 2012!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Mistake Shuts Down Airport
New York's Kennedy shut down for an hour as guard whispers to his partner to watch these "boobs" & Partner thinks he said "bombs"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Will Be Key Minor League Team!
New York Yankees announce that they have bought all 40 players of the Chicago Cubs and stadium for $60 million.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Some Economic Signs Good?
President Obama says things are looking more promising in US economy. "Well actually, window shopping has jumped 10% this summer."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Haiti: Give Us Time!
Haiti says that with all the book, flag burnings and the fall elections they cannot keep up with specialized voodoo doll orders!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Haiti Can't Take Anymore!
Haiti says it cannot take on anymore people fleeing the United States over the bad economy!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
A Sign Of The Times
These are "good times" as we have hired more employees say "For Sale", "Auction" sign makers!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
NKorean Astronauts On Mars
North Korea's Kim says his astronauts already reached Mars. May retire there as son takes over.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Volleyball Thugs!
Police: Mom pulls gun on volleyball team after daughter's squad loses. "We take our volleyball serious around here!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
NYC Posting Cop Army!
NYPD posting 'cop army' near Ground Zero for tomorrow's protests, 9/11 anniversary. Expect a lot of trouble.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Firey Saturday?
Tomorrow may be eventful day as other ministers, protesters plan to burn Korans, citing examples of Bible burnings in past. Overseas US tourists warned to be careful. Fire Departments also warned.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Pastor Terry Jones Challenges Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf to a Cage Match
Pastor Jones, the man behind 'International Burn a Koran Day' issued a challenge to Imam Rauf, the man who wants to build a mosque two blocks away from Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan.
written by Moose, 10 September 2010
Same Thing I Always Do!
Tennessee pastor plans to burn a Koran on 9-11. "I'm not protesting the mosque at Ground Zero, but what happened there which I do every year."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
USDA Knew About Bad Eggs
Report: USDA knew of problems at farm behind egg recall. "We kept planning to go there but then we'd chicken out."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Deadly Side Effects
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imagination drugs. I'm sorry, that should be imaging drugs.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Obama On Economy Mess
Obama says economic recovery 'painfully slow'. "In fact, it has been backing up ever since I put my programs into motion."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
JLS condom range for Durex a success.
Pop band JLS have been amazed at the popularity of their JLS (Just Love Safe) range of condoms for Durex.
Apparently they have become a favourite of Wayne Rooney, who thought it stood for 'JUST LIE STILL!'
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
Saints Go Marching In
Saints grind out 14-9 win over Vikings, go marching in, in opener.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Madame Tussauds wins award.
It's official. As a result of excessive plastic surgery, the wax-work figure of Katie Price at Madame Tussauds has been voted 'more life-like than the real thing'.
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
Local man detained for stealing while riding a couple of vampires in a supermarket...
...charged with shoplifting on two counts.
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Local man arrested for stealing from Blockbuster video....
....STATEMENT "but the girl behind the counter said I could have Batman Forever!"
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Piers Morgan thrilled to be taking over from Larry King.
Piers Morgan is looking forward to taking over from Larry King. 'The best bit is that I've been told I can wear suspenders on TV', he said excitedly.
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
Hackers Hit US! Nothing To Pothole About!
Hackers reportedly broke into computers all over the "Hey Hey! Uncle Fudd, it's so neat to beat your feet in the Mississippi mud! It's a treat to beat your feet in the Mississippi mud!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Whole Economy Ruined
Cuba says that their country is bankrupt after "cash for clunkers" program.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Bedbugs In NYC!
New York City hotel being sued by tourists from Japan. "We move. Bed move during night. Wife bit on ketsu."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Palin In Florida
Sarah Palin to be the next speaker at October Teat Party in Florida! Sorry, that should be "Tea Party".
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Lady Gaga Meat Bikini Fuels Jewish Protests
Thousands of Jews have taken to the streets across Israel, with some threatening to attack US bases over Lady Gaga's bikini made of cold cuts.
written by Moose, 10 September 2010
Toyota's Green Engines
Toyota plant in Australia to build greener engines after getting advice from John Deere!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Gingrich Recommends Moderation
Newt Gingrich urges moderation amid Quran-burning furor. Recommends only burning half.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Politician Showing New Face
Senator Scott Brown showing a more moderate face. "We politicians have several you know?"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Painters, Males Headed For Sit-In!
Artists protest looming cuts to UK culture budget. Nude models to hold sit-in.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Throw More Pots?
Artists protest looming cuts to UK culture budget. Pottery makers ask how they are to make a living throwing pots without government income!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
He's Had It Up To Here!
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "I couldn't crap for two weeks of laxatives", claims one who gained 35 pounds after test.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Koran Burning Over, Back To Abnormal
Obama to take GOP to task on economy, tax cuts. Tea Party to counter about our record debt.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Sit-Coms In 10 Minute Segments
Political candidates ramp up advertising! Several 30-minute sitcoms are now two-part shows!
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
China/Japan Clash
China demands Japan release detained boat captain. Japan: He doesn't want to go back."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Portable Mosque #2
Paris imam invents portable mosque for better praying. "It's handy on trips and there are still 72 virgins."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Portable Mosque
Paris imam invents portable mosque for better praying. Claims you get just as many answers.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
3-D TV Sets Humdrum!
Study tracks concerns about 3-D TV sets. After novelty wears off, you've shown them off to neighbors, still nothing on worth watching.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Still No Gays In Iran
Moms of US hikers held in Iran get some good news. "They're all gay. We can't have them here."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Foreign Businesses Mad!
Why Foreign Businesses in China Are Getting Mad! Simple solution: Take your jobs back to your home countries who are hurting for jobs.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Feds Issue Travel Alert
Feds. issue travel alert due to Quran burn plan. Also, copycat burnings in US south, Denmark.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Jones To White House?
As Afghans protest, Jones says he won't burn Quran, "maybe have a Near Beer Conference with the President."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Jones To Meet Imam?
Jones: Qurans won't burn if he meets with NYC imam, "face to face to his other face."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
FDA Warning #4
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. Especially to heavy drinkers as the colored injections mixes with the alcohol, there goes the old brain, liver & kidneys.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
FDA Warning #3
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "But we have some excellent Kidney Dialysis Machines!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
FDA Warning #2
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "Pissing blue for three days afterward could harm kidneys."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
FDA Warning
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "Injecting dye into your system can actually harm you."
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Obama Reassures ..Nobody, Actually
U.S. slips in WEF's competitiveness rankings among nations. President promises that we will not slip down the economy list any further than 153rd.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Come Here Cookie!
Woman held after shooting at Pennsylvania cookie plan. "They called me 'Cookie' for the last time!"
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Several Injured During Protest
Eleven Afghans injured in anti-Quran-burning protests! Something ironic about this but I can't quite catch it.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Calif judge to stop 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. But don't ask me what he said, because I can't tell you.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2010
Scientists reveal
that there is no future in time travel research.
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Rooney tries to apologise to Coleen, "Save your breath" she says
"You will need it to blow up your next girlfriend"
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Studies reveal ignorance is bliss,..
Tony Blair in permanent state of orgasm.
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Hotel heiress taken to emergency room following coke sniffing incident ...
...surgeons remove ice cubes stuck in nose.
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Chilean miners have been watching the news..
they have asked if they can stay put.
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
Confused protesters call for a ban on Shampoo...
they want the real thing, allegedly.
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
New study shows that living is still popular
Despite the cost
written by matthatt, 10 September 2010
'Wayne Rooney has the penis of a 5 year old', declares wife, Coleen.
Police have confirmed that they are questioning Wayne, who was allegedly using it as a key-ring.
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
'I had S&M sessions with Rooney', claims prostitute
'Before we went up to his hotel suite I asked him if his room had cable',claims Juicy Jeni.
'No, we'll make do with the duct-tape that I use on Coleen', answered Rooney.
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
Archbishop of Canterbury defends 'same-sex' marriage
'I can't see what all the fuss is about concerning same-sex marriage', says Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury.
'I've been having same sex with my wife for years.'
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
Coleen Rooney suspected her marriage to Wayne was in trouble
'I suspected things were not right when he started doing odd things that he hadn't done before', said Coleen.'Like opening the car door for me.....well we were doing 70mph up the M6 at the time!'
written by Stevey G., 10 September 2010
National Australia Bank bid blocked again
ACCC head, Graeme Samuel, has blocked NAB's bid for AXA AP for a second time.
Samuel said: "It is important that people focus upon me rather than irrelevant dealings in a supposedly free market."
written by John Cavanagh, 10 September 2010
About Gravity
Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1665, but never applied to the Crown for a British patent for skiing, skydiving or parachute jumping.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Obama's New Carp Czar
Michigan sues the federal government to keep Asian Carp out of the great lakes. The new Czar is responsible for making sure Obama doesn't step on a Carp when he tries to walk across Lake Michigan!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Semper Fi
US Marine commandos stormed a pirate-held cargo ship off Somalia, reclaiming control. They took 9 prisoners without firing a shot in the first boarding raid by the international anti-piracy flotilla.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
San Francisco CA Elects Conservative Republican Mayor
The new lesbian mayor won on a political platform of a gun & cell phone in every home, eat lots of fast food, salt & fat, drink all the sugary soft drinks you want, & animals are pets not companions!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
White House Garage Sale
President Obama's empty suit was sold, via e-bay, to a Chinese banking consortium for $3 trillion!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Lack of Leadership
Great-grandpa said "the president reminds me of all those 3-piece empty suit managers I reported to for 50 years. These clueless people talked great, but never got their hands dirty doing anything!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Republicans Seen Carrying O.B.A.M.A Signs
In campaigning for the mid-term Congressional elections Republicans have a new sign that reads:
Vote O.B.A.M.A
"Oust Barack's Arrogant Minions, America"
"Oust Barack's Arrogant Minions, America"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Rice Bowl Interests
Democratic left liberals cite "powerful special interests" are causing US economic problems. Correct, it is the Democratic controlled labor unions, teachers unions, public employees unions & lawyers.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Don't Step in the HOYA
DEMOCRAT: What did you think of President Obama's speech blaming Bush & the Republicans for the economy? REPUBLICAN: It was a lot of HOYA! DEMOCRAT: What? REPUBLICAN: I am too nice to say BULLSHIT!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Whimp in Chief
President Obama personally attacks House Minority Leader Boehner over US economic policy. However, Obama ignores Iran's nuclear weapons program, allowing the Mullahs "to do it to him" over & over!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Snake Oil Salesman
President Obama couldn't balance the USA's checkbook in the last two years. Yet he is asking the American people to trust a Democratic liberal Congress to stop spending in the next two years!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
This Sucks
Obama suckered American voters into believing "no tax increases for the middle class."Now Obama is sucking the life out of the middle-class to pay for his liberal left wealth redistribution programs!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Bush Tax Cuts Expiring
Democratic liberal far left still calling for more spending in the 112th Congress. Eliminating the Bush tax cuts adds $700 billion for these loons to further mortgage our grandchildren into serfdom!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
More about Bush Tax Cuts Expiring
House Speaker Pelosi calls for more spending in the 112th Congress. I said "eliminating the Bush tax cuts provides $700 billion to reduce next year's deficit," to which she said "ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Still More about Bush Tax Cuts Expiring
Eliminating the Bush tax cuts adds $700 billion for Democratic far left liberals to spend. However, they are now complaining about paying more income & capital gains taxes to support this spending!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Good Will Gesture
President Obama apologizes to US Muslims for proposed Koran burnings. The president promises to send car/suicide bomb making materials to Islamic terrorists in Somalia, Iraq, India and Afghanistan!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Obama's USA Held Hostage by Islamic Terrorists
President Obama apologizes to US Muslims for any Koran burnings. The peaceful Islamic terrorists threaten attacks if Korans are burned in USA, as president takes another vacation.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Why are we there?
President Obama & SecDef Gates order Smurf ball guns issued to all US troops in Iraq & Afghanistan. The US DoD doesn't want the Islamic terrorists, al Qaeda or the Taliban to attack US troops!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
The Tires are off the Bus
Islamic terrorists of the world employ the Koran to justify blowing up Muslim school children, oppressing & killing Muslim women, blowing up Mosques/markets & killing infidels (anyone but themselves).
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
Despicable Actions are Constitutionally Protected
The far left cites US Constitution's free speech right to burn US Flags. But, a far right nut that would burn Qurans is denied this right by the far left! (Burning flags or books is a despicable act.)
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
When You Have More than One Person Involved
The FL Pastor, FL Imam, SecDef Gates, President Obama, Donald Trump, NYC Imam & the news media are all involved in the NYC Mosque/Koran burning disputes. The Marx Brothers are rolling on the floors!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 10 September 2010
