Free Kadiddlehopper!
Obama calls on China to free latest Nobel laureate Clem Kadiddlehopper! Then warns his whole staff about practical jokes on his message board.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Bank Of Amerca Halts Foreclosures
Bank of America halts foreclosure sales in 50 states. "We'll think it over some more before halting those in other states", says CEO.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Doesn't Need Any Help
Canadian PM Stephen Harper on Friday said he is confident the global economy, while fragile, is headed in the right direction and he sees no need for further stimulus to bolster Canada's bankruptcy.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
French To Strike
French upper house lawmakers approved on Friday a controversial plan to raise the retirement age, as unions planned open-ended mooning and nationwide strikes against the measure.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Chinese Dissident Wins Nobel Peace Prize
Dissident wins Nobel Peace Prize, enraging China like a bull in a ...well, you know.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Another Rat Leaves Sinking Ship
Still another Obama appointment leaves Washington. Obama's Spin Doctor says he's returning to private practice for big business.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Viagra Warning
Viagra, Levitra discourage men from eating a Mr. Softee Ice Cream for dessert during evening meal.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Love The Left Coast
New Poll: California the #1 Place Americans Would Like to Live, Especially Marijuana Smokers.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Kim's Son Starting To Take Over NKorea
Kim's son, the new Korean leader, shows up to meet foreign ambassadors wearing T-Shirt with "That's Right, Wee Bod!"
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Taliban Was Better?
Afghans Complain Current Government, Except For Ass Whippings & Stoning People To Death, Worse Than Taliban!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Takes Double Hit!
Teen voice of Dora The Explorer claims she was cheated out of millions by Nickelodeon, Cheating Nigerians!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Nuclear Deterrent Stays
We're keeping Trident: Cameron risks Lib Dem anger as he insists nuclear deterrent stays. "If you wish to be blown to bits, travel over to Iraq!"
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Take It Off!
Pregnant Muslim ordered to remove her veil in court because magistrates can't see her face. Magistrates say they're just setting the stage for next 2 weeks of accused strippers.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
You're On Your Own!
Britain: As another freezing winter looms, council hands out 2,000 spades to residents and tells them: 'Dig yourselves out
when it snows'...'But not before.'
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Working Together For A Bitter Tomorrow!
An agreement being negotiated by the UK and France would see British nuclear warheads serviced by French scientists. Five scientists from Iran also offer to help.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Some Positive News At Last!
OFFICIAL: USA could absorb a terror attack and bounce back & blow away half of earth's other countries!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Heard It All Before!
President accused of exaggerating terror threat for political gain. Just like George Bush. Before that, it was 'They will take away your social security/they will tax you to death.'
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Bad As Clintons & Chinese!
Pres. Barack Obama blasted opposition fund-raisers at a campaign rally Thursday, charging that they solicited foreign donations & pumped the millions of dollars they received into congressional races.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Angry Voters
RASMUSSEN: 63% Angry at Policies of Federal Government; 43% Very Angry! 22% Meet Campaigning Politicians At Door With A Thrown Shoe!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
People Angry At Fed Policies
RASMUSSEN: 63% Angry at Policies of Federal Government; 43% Very Angry. 2% chewed off their own foot!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Biden On Campagne Trail
Biden: 'You're the dullest audience I've ever spoken to. I SAID...oh go back to sleep.'
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Real Vampires?
An Arizona man who had previously allowed 2 people to suck his blood was stabbed today after refusing the duo's demand to repeat the bizarre act. "The guy looks like a 200 yr. old Barry Goldwater."
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Bridge To NoMare!
Massachusetts spending $4.6 Million for little used horse bridge; $92,000 per horse. Can we say "Payback For Vote"?
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
California's Slight Miscalculation
CA miscalculated pollution levels 'by 340%' to toughen state's 'clean air' standards. Claims dog ate original estimation so they had to pull one 'out of the air'.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
59% Of Americans Say Palin Unqualified To Be President
However, 41% rating still higher than either George Bush or Barack Obama.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
No More Sugar?
California Governor Schwarzenegger proposes bill to outlaw sugar completely. Sourpuss not expected to be re-elected.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
We Need To Stay Vigilante Against Terrorism!
Terrorist Threat due to rise over next few weeks as it does before every election since 911.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
GOP Rams GOP
Accident overnight as a boat of Swift Boat Veterans accidentally rams into Tea Party throwing copies of Obama health plan into harbor. Everyone agrees to blame John Kerry.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
72,000 stimulus checks sent to dead people!
So expect a really scary Halloween as all 72,000 have been cashed!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Red Lobster Doing Great
Red Lobster Restaurants still growing and doing well according to latest report. Company credits changing it's name from "Dead Lobster" back in the late 1980s.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Debates Getting Rough
According to new survey, most of the political debates this year begin with the words "Yo Mamma"!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Innocent 40-Year-Old
An associate of Jerry Brown calls Meg Whitman a "whore" over pension reform. Then claims that he didn't know what the word meant.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Commonwealth games Wind Assisted Records Disallowed
The World Games Federation, in response to the number of swimmers getting Dehli Belly at the Commonwealth Games, have announced that any wind assisted records will be disallowed.
written by Xavier, 08 October 2010
The Upholsterer
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
written by Spicewood, 08 October 2010
Escapee
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
written by Spicewood, 08 October 2010
John Lennon Fingerprints Taken
FBI seizes John Lennon fingerprints before auction. Yoko demands he be immediately reburied.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
NYC Cracks Down On Food Stamps
New York seeks to ban sugary drinks, lottery tickets from food stamp buys.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Drugs, People To Be Higher
Data firm sees 2011 drug sales rising 5-7 percent. However, illegal drugs at all-time 'high'!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Some Drug Prices Increase
Data firm sees 2011 drug sales rising 5-7 percent, illegal drugs will remain a current levels.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
More Americans Hobbled
CDC: More American adults hobbled by arthritis, two-foot penises from ads.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Scientists Reveal New Guina Finds
Scientists see new bugs, frogs, Bigfoot, Elvis in Papua New Guinea.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Japan Offers Stimulus!
Japan's Cabinet OKs $61 billion economic stimulus. Cuts Godzilla Defense Funding!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Top Political Insult Thus Far?
The number one insult in 2010 political circles? "You supported Obama!"
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Elections Heat Up!
Insult time, face to face, in campaign's debates. Goes from 'playing fast & loose with the facts' to 'Lying Sack Of Shit!"
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Biden Still Embarrassing Obama
Democrats see glimmers of hope in election gloom. Advised by Joe Biden to clap hands three times. "That's how we saved Tinkerbell as a kid", he tells reporters.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Obama Defends Program
US spending on Afghan security contractors slammed as it is passed on to Al-Qaida. "Money will be worth very little soon anyway", say Obama.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Arisona Sheriff Backs Deputy
Sheriff's office: Shirt backs up deputy's story although liberal judge says he made it up. "A poor old drug warlord wouldn't do such a thing."
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Judge Orders Pledge
Miss. judge again asks courtroom to say pledge "just to thin out the weasels".
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Too Expensive
NJ gov. scraps long-planned NJ-NY railroad tunnel. "It's either that or school children lunch program", he tells reporters.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Brazil Likely to Elect First Woman President
Brazilian representatives encourage Taliban to do the same.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Just A Slight Delay
Nepal Peace Process Delayed, Says UN. "But not past 2050", adds young optimist.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
100 Days Without A Budget
California lawmakers debate budget through night. "We may have to cut the "Artsy Fartsy Bill".
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
It's Flat Alright!
Employment seen flat in September. "Most of us 'flat on our asses' claims one unemployed guy at liquor store.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Grumpy Sues
Over 52? Then you're probably grumpy! Grumpy sues, names Happy as attorney.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Say We're Grumpy
Over 52? Then you're probably grumpy say stupid idiots in London! The very nerve!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Holding Our Own!
AP Interview: Calderon sees a drug war success, although amount of drugs being shipped into US still the same.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Sludge In Hungary Mostly Poison
Greenpeace: high arsenic, mercury levels in sludge, but on the positive side, they found traces of pure water here and there.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
"Blue" Danube
Greenpeace: high arsenic, mercury levels in sludge. Danube pollution could be bad for those using it for bathing, drinking water.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
On The Plus Side
Economy likely creating some jobs, but not enough. Especially for more bill collectors, bankruptcy lawyers.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Cheryl Cole And Simon Cowell Not Seeing Eye To Eye
Because she's 5'3" and he's 5'5" Sinitta doesn't give a shit either way.
written by Skoob1999, 08 October 2010
California Hippocritical
Mexico: US wavers in drug war with Calif. pot vote. "You want the drugs or don't you?"
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
No Yoga #3
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. "Better to do a slow Scat or Funky Chicken Coming Home To Roost!", says Jeremiah Wright.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
No Yoga #2
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. "Better to shake you booty in front of husband at bedtime."
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
No Yoga
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. "Better to do 'the Monkey, Slow Twist".
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Have You Seen These Men?
Culprits identified in worldwide honeybee die-off. "One is a Chester Paladin and the other, George Beekiller.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
America Changing
Angle: Muslim law taking hold in parts of US. "While campaigning I was beaten on the as by rods."
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Glimmer of Hope
Democrats see glimmers of hope in election gloom and doom and the predictions of Nastradamas, Edgar Cayce.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
The American Nightmare
Republican leader says American dream under siege. "It's turned into a nightmare the past two years", says Romney!
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Same Round Head With Flat Spot
NKorean official confirms Kim Jong Un as leader. Apparently doesn't like cartoons but old Westerns.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
"What's HE Done?
Chinese Dissident Liu Xiaobo Wins the Nobel Peace Prize. President Obama pissed.
written by Bureau, 08 October 2010
Commonwealth Games: Pool Blamed For Delhi Illness
"We told them: 'Don't drink the water.' But did they listen? Nooooooo!" said a Games spokesman.
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 08 October 2010
Classified Ad #1
For Sale: Copies of the Script Album, and clearly not any tiny Romanian immigrants wrapped in a box. Honest. Send details for N. Sarkozy. £10 ono
written by masterchev, 08 October 2010
Brown disqualified from Delhi 100 metres
Disgraced former Uk Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been eliminated from the 100 metres track event at the main stadium. He unusually appeared in the starting lineup only to be escorted from the venue
written by whatinthe world, 08 October 2010
Pentagon officials evoke Quentin Tarantino
Defense Secretary Gates, General Petraeus on U.S. military employing Afghan warlords: "Somebody's stickin' a red hot poker up our asses, and it turns out the Taliban's name's on the handle."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 October 2010
The Yanks aren't coming, coming over, over there
Senate investigation determines U.S. military employed Taliban insurgents as security guards in Afghanistan. Seems Washington never runs out of new ways to ship even more American jobs overseas.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 October 2010
Just like in the movies
After Victor Perez rescues abducted California child, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger calls him a "true action hero." Naked Perez drops from sky, replies, "Your clothes. Give them to me, now!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 October 2010
Obama's Chicken Shit Policies
OSHA & the EPA are writing new regulations for waste ammonia gas emissions in chicken houses. Don't you feel so much safer that the Obama administration has their hands on this chicken shit problem?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 October 2010
US Housing Market in Trouble
President Obama will not sign legislation making it difficult for homeowners to challenge unjustified foreclosure actions. Apparently the Chinese bank holding the mortgage on the White House called!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 October 2010
What Palestinian-Israeli Conflict WJ Clinton?
A Pakistani Sufi shrine was a target of homicide bombers killing 42 Muslims. Islamic militant hard line interpretations of Islam allow no room for the mystical Sufi practices common in Sunni Pakistan!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 October 2010
