Classified Ad #5
Wanted: anyone who has ever sung on X-Factor to perform Charity single for Panda Aid. Will pay in bamboo leaves proportionate to their weight.
written by masterchev, 10 October 2010
Classified Ad #4
Wanted. Space on X-Factor Live Finals to avoid firing squad. Will pay handsomely.
written by masterchev, 10 October 2010
Richards Not Sure Of Age #2
The Rolling Stones Keith Richards admits he doesn't know his own age at present. "But I have this pin that says I'm "Keith Richards." "Richard Starkey says he's 70 because he's got 70 rings."
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Richards Not Sure Of Age
The Rolling Stones Keith Richards admits he doesn't know his own age at present. "But I have this pin that says I'm "Keith Richards." Jagger says he should be carbon dated.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Mortgaga Rates At Record Lows
Mortgage rates at record lows...only three percent on the first $10,000.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Methinks thou doth protest too much
Rioting anti-gay protesters feeling violated after getting it up the bum with nightsticks in clashes with Serbian riot police.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 October 2010
Gulf Lawyers First To Sue!
Gulf Coast attorneys to lead U.S. oil spill lawsuits. Then the next states to them where they tracked oil all over the house.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Poll Shows Confusion Among Voters
Harris Poll: Number of scandals among politicians confusing voters. "Which one ate his wife?", asks doddering gentleman. "All of them, I imagine", states wife.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Enough To Burst His Bubble
Johnny Asherton of Lincoln, Nebraska becomes the first Bubble Boy to climb Mount Everest!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Water To Water Dog To Jogger With Water!
The solution to how life was sparked on Earth? Scientists find SECOND asteroid with water on it. UFO pilot claims the whole bunch are crazy.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Better Off Dead?
'Tax on the sick' as hospitals increase car park charges by as much as 150 percent. 'But we refund it if they die', state Directors.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Just In Case We're Wrong!
Why is atheist Nick Clegg considering sending his son to the same exclusive Catholic school as the Blairs? "We're simply trying to hedge our bets", stated Clegg.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Chile Miners Near Rescue
Buried Miners in Chile argue over who's out last as several looking to make book deal.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
T. Owens Breaks NFL Rules
TO's tweet violates NFL's rules. "You can't do that in the end zone", says official. "Your Mom can read about the TD later."
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Mud Flying Early
Dems: Business group using foreign cash to aid GOP. GOP: Dems are hurriedly registering illegal aliens to use legals names to vote.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
New NKorean Leader #2
North Korea's heir debuts at giant military parade. Gym Dong 12 a big favorite with the Korean ladies.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
A Real Sweetheart
North Korea's heir debuts at giant military parade. Most say he is just as hot and charismatic as dad!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Hungary Sludge
The wall of a reservoir filled with caustic red sludge will inevitably collapse & unleash a new deluge of sludge. "We hope to sell enough of deadly mixture to Mafia to hold it back", states official.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Family values run amok in Serbia
Right wing protest groups say homosexuality is contrary to Serbian family and religious values. Next, they hijack a bus, hurl petrol bombs at police, and loot various family-owned shops.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 10 October 2010
Calif Economy Beyond Help?
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger states that California economy problems are to the point where even he cannot grope.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Obama To Launch Cover-Up!
President Obama stated this morning that he will launch a full-scale cover-up on why those 50,000 troops he left in Iraq are fighting instead of teaching Iraqis.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
MTV Turns Down Stan Lee Creation
MTV turns down Stan Lee's latest superhero, Big Lung Woman. She's a top-heavy beauty who can breathe under gravy.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Stan Lee Superhero Rejected
MTV turns down Stan Lee's latest superhero, Pelican Man, who is able to deliver babies in any storm or emergency.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Stan Lee's New Superhero
Stan Lee joins with MTV to create new comic series, although The Turdgobbler takes a little getting used to.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Michael Jackson For The Birds
Michael Jackson memorabilia fetches $1M in Macau. Where buyer got all those colorful birds, he refuses to answer.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
New Dongco Announcement
Dongco announces that they are developing a new medication that will allow men with two-foot penises and women with watermelon boobs to shrink them back a bit.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Pakistan Stalls NATO
Pakistan reopens border crossing NATO uses, after giving terrorists time to plant explosives.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Local Man Tries LSD, trips.
A local man was found rubbing the wall at Starbucks. Authorities claim we has on LSD. The man says "The wall was soft."
written by lev, 10 October 2010
US Setting Standards?
Afghan Government riddled with corruption blamed on the United States example claims Karzai!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Arizona Law Overturned
Arizona law: Shoot first and ask questions later overturned by Supreme Court in 5-4 decision.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Can We Come Home Now?
More bad news in Afghanistan as 10,000 police and soldiers trained by US join the Taliban.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Obama Gets Credit For Fewer Hurricanes
New spin doctor hired by Obama after he argues that less hurricanes in past two years have kept car emissions of those fleeing coast areas down.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Bush: Obama 'Doing Heckova Job' On Country!
Former president George W. Bush says President Obama doing a "heck of a job" blaming others for the mess the country is in. "I never was any good at that."
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Weather Channel: Punded You Again On Hurricane Predictions
Hurricane predictions fail once again for third straight year. Weather Channel sends in "Spin Doctors!"
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Depp Visit Unintentional?
Johnny Depp makes surprise school visit in pirate gear, looking drunk and confused.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Chile expect "bambino boom" after miners release!
Chilean miners can't wait and have ordered their wives to buy "mucho" sexy lingerie. Now Chile have proclaimed the day of release a "national sex day" out of solidarity, "muchos Bambinos" for Chile!
written by unknown
John Lennon's 70th Observed
John Lennon's 70th celebrated in NY's Central Park around small in-ground memorial that it took m four hours to find. (It's almost straight across from the Dakota Hotel).
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Abbott! Aaaabboootttt!
Abbott withdraws diet pill in US, Canada. Costello now up to 300 pounds!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Arthritis Worsens, Especially In Mothers
CDC: More American adults hobbled by arthritis, kids stepping on cracks in sidewalks.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Air Pollution Down
China highlights climate change efforts, US shows advances in past ten years, Koreas agree to dig up smelly cabbage dishes, Mexico agrees to fart less.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
US, China Blame Each Other
US, China blame each other for slow climate talks. Accuse each other of being world's biggest polluter.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Philadelphia A Little Down At Present
Obama to rally thousands of voters in Philadelphia. All 2,000 voters asked to show up.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
A Little Short Of Ready Cash
Funding Falls Short for Global Fight Against AIDS! Also, everything else!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Peace Process Delayed
Nepal Peace Process Delayed, Says UN! "Just one more upheaval for old time's sake", say new leaders.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
No Social Security COLA expected for 2011
Social Security raises gone after Michelle Obama completes shopping spree in Paris, Obama pays golf fees.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Denver Hero In Chile!
Driller from Denver becomes Chile mine rescue hero. Meanwhile North Korea's Kim sends word that they are ready to help Chile Willy.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Voting Results Could Take Awhile
Kyrgyzstan votes in landmark election. Kraygzystenkzck the favorite over Kyzrgpkcghzp!
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Hungary Refuses Help
Hungary races to build dam as reservoir crack widens. Help offered from US Core Of Engineers in New Orleans Turned down.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
NKorea Holds Giant Parade
North Korea's heir debuts at giant military parade. Over 2,000 giants by estimate of invited guests.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Pound Of Balony For Three Colas!
NY seeks to ban sugary drinks from food stamp buys. Black market sugary drinks ready to begin.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Facebook Is Pro Pot !
Facebook co-founders give $170K to pro-pot measure, free access. &1K to widows & orphans.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
"Heard Old Neil Put Her Down Again!"
No. 1 Alabama falls! Neil Young writes a new song, condemned by new Lynyrd Skynyrd song.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
NCAA #1 Falls!
No. 1 Alabama falls. Go back to Sweet Home with tail between legs.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Change In Plans
Abu Dhabi scales back plans for clean-energy city. Changes to 'breathable air city'.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Iraq Court Drops Case Against Killers
A Baghdad court says there is not enough evidence to prosecute two Iraqi men accused of taking part in the 2003 mob slaying of six British soldiers. A big 'Thank You' for trying to help them.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Serbia goes anti-gay!
Serbia has been declared the first pristine anti-gay zone on the planet. Gay Righters protested but were told, "you can stick your protest up your butts," which they gladly did!
written by unknown
DropThe Big One?
US often weighed North Korea 'nuke option' since Korean war. For that matter, they still are.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
Banks Really In Trouble
Up to 52 states plan inquiry into foreclosure data according to VP Biden.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
No Social Security Raise
No Social Security COLA expected for 2011. Just what voters needed to hear. Plenty of funds for Prez & Congress but no Social Security raise for second year.
written by Bureau, 10 October 2010
The Kop on Tom Hicks
Leave your keys on the side as you leave. Thanks for absolutely nothing. Carpetbagger.
written by Skoob1999, 10 October 2010
Tom Hicks on the Kop: You're just a noise we have to deal with
Independent observers say it's the biggest noise he'll ever have to deal with. He'll never win that one.
written by Skoob1999, 10 October 2010
Advertisement No 2
Wanted: Plutonium. Send to Iran in a box of socks. We don't want anyone to know what we're' up to.
written by masterchev, 10 October 2010
Classified Ad #3
Wanted. Bubble wrap. Lots of bubble wrap. Used to contain puppy I intend to throw in garbage next tuesday. Love, Anon.
written by masterchev, 10 October 2010
Global Warming Explained
When Johnny Prescott jumps into his pool, the resultant shock waves cause the sea level to rise and flood Belgium. But it's another Champs. League spot for Everton anyway..
written by masterchev, 10 October 2010
IMF Fails To Solve Currency Disputes
"I've done all I can and I'm bloody exhausted. One word from me and they do as they like.
"You talk to them. They want their heads knocking together if you ask me."
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 10 October 2010
Condom Applet for IPhone
A new Applet has been launched for the Iphone, at a touch of one key it directs users to the nearest condom machine.
written by Xavier, 10 October 2010
Mining to be demonstration sport at 2012 Olympics
Chile unimpressed, but jubilation in the town of Barnsley.
written by Jimbo Gunn, 10 October 2010
