Obama Still In A Funk!
Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi rendition of "For he's a Jolly good fellow" doesn't help Obama's mood. Kids them both in the ass & points at the door.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
The Doctor Will Tell You
Kroger experiment with green meats not even being bought by the Irish! "How are we to know if it's turned bad?"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Kroger Pulls Product
Kroger experiment with brown pickles has not worked out. Look for them not to be restocked!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Russia Tries To Bully Japan
Russia flexes muscles over island spat with Japan but find big fire-breathing lizard on the isle.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
"DID YOU VOTE?"
Michelle Obama stated that her husband was so angry about the voting last night that "he raised his voice to mother."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Dollar Worth Eighty Cents
After today's action by Bernanke, the dollar may only be worth 80% of present value. New York Yankee players demand 20% raise.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Supreme Court Ruling
The supreme court today, trying to rule on Identity Theft, says that that is not Judge Thomas!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
GOP Takes Back The House
Most Americans glad for the Republicans to win back the House, "but it's too late to get ours back!"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Driving Schwarts Crazy!
Maria Shriver caught doing nails, applying make-up, reading and talking on cell phone while driving.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Followed By Cackling Laughter
Mayans remind you to set your clock back one hour this weekend of the next to last year!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Egyptian Scrolls!
Ancient Egyptian scrolls offer guide to the afterlife. May be added to GPS system for cars in case of serious wrecks.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Liberian Leader Dissolves Cabinet
Liberian President Sirleaf dissolves cabinet! Used mostly a solution heavy with lye!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Paul The Octopus Saluted
Owners told reporters that they had said goodbye to Paul the Octopus last week and sent him away with some tartar sauce, a little lemon and a dash of tabasco.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Obama Speech #2
President Obama: No political party dictates direction! I do that!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Mother Proud Of Pregnant 10-Yr.-Old
Mom in Spain happy that her 10-year-old gave birth. Thought she had the fattest little girl in the whole of Spain.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
America Can Pull Together
ABC News: Can America pull together after divisive midterm, negative ads onslaught? Why not? We've done it nearly 100 times before.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
It's All Part Of The Game
Ron Paul said he received a conciliatory call from his opponent on Tuesday evening, and that in time he thinks both can put the race, the lies and the exaggerations behind them.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
I Would Probably Do Worse
Huge volcanic blast echoed by thousands of shaky farts in Indonesia.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Tea Party Off To DC
Tea party winners take ambitious promises to DC! "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's ObamaCare to go!"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Limited Government
Republicans promise limited government. "We can save the country billions by not traveling everywhere and just sitting on our asses in DC."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
MGM Bankrupt!!
MGM studio files for bankruptcy, Icahn backs plan. Roaring Lion to be replaced by pussy cat marking his territory.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
It's A Bird....Brain!
Amy Winehouse brought down safely in New York after flying in lawn chair with helium condoms about thirty feet off the ground. "Let's see you top THAT Loony Gaga!"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
We Finally Got Them
Police in Manhattan have raided an illegal gambling establishment secretly located for years behind a shoe cobblers on Fifth Avenue.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Tea baggers want to take White House back next.
"first we'll need to get that fried chicken smell, out of it"
written by disciple, 03 November 2010
They Go Together I Guess
Overheard last Sunday: "I didn't get sick on eating all that Halloween candy until I sat through twenty political ads trying to watch the Cowboys game."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Josef Fritzl claims he's got more balls than Hitler!
Austrian child abuser and rapist Fritzl has claimed he's got more balls than that other infamous Austrian, Hitler, true, Hitler had only one, but at least he didn't only use it in the family!
written by unknown
With Help From Mormons
Genealogists say that Twilight star Robert Pattinson is related to Vlad the Impaler, who is widely cited as the inspiration for Dracula. Also, they have found that Amy Winehouse is related to Igor.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Brett Favre Arrested For Texting Photo of His Junk To NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
Brett Favre was arrested today for texting a photo of his dinky little penis to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "I thought it was his secretary's phone," Favre said in his defense.
written by anthonyrosania, 03 November 2010
Can't Control Myself!
Lindsay Lohan back in court. Admits to the judge that she kinda "gets off" on those leg alarms.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Without A Platform
Kentucky politician running for mayor without a platform, falls into bushes behind him.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Those Brushes, Hot Wax Machines Are Rough!
Tennessee man accidentally castrates himself while trying to clean up by running naked through a car wash on a Saturday night.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
He's Contemptible
Bernie Madoff held in contempt by court before he even comes in the door.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
No One Ever Knew Why
Local chicken dies after trying to cross "The Colonel"! Owner finds head in his bed.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Can't Do That!
President Obama's number one supporter tasered by police as he runs toward President to give him a big hug!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Janet Jackson Boob Show Still Affecting Youth
Nearly six years after kids saw Janet Jackson's boob at Super Bowl halftime, several are still traumatized. "I was four then, and I thought Michael Jackson had breasts."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Another Acme Recall
Acme Piss Buckets have announced a huge recall after it was discovered that they cause users to leak.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Nature's Balance
Many households in eastern Kentucky and Tennessee still burning coal for heat, compromise by carrying it in green buckets.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
New On Stock Market
Ye Auld Amish Window Makers & Installers now set to sell stock, especially, milk cows.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Market Still Down
Bad day on the stock market as many come out dressed in sackcloth and ashes.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
U.S. Economy Still Down
United States economy still in deep dodo. Many blame losing the pot vote. "Lots of things to make and sale from hemp", say supporters.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Unknown Species Discovered
Previously unknown species claims that it was once known by the Egyptians.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Treasure House Labs
Scientists today announced that they have isolated the Mr. Green Gene, that causes people to become gardeners and go on kid shows.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Could Be Practice Run
Hot-footed guy in the crowd who threw himself toward the President and was frog-marched into police car, claims he was set up.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
News Out Of Berkeley
Acme wheelchairs issue recall after suddenly speeding up and backfiring like crazy, according to one John Cutter, who crashed Sunday.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Nutty India hack down their coconuts for Obama, they're racist!
Nutty Indians have hacked down all coconuts in the area where Obama will visit, they feel they could offend him because his slave forefathers used to hide in coconut trees before they got caught!
written by unknown
Obama Speech: I Done Lost!
President Obama signals that he's ready for a compromise by doing the traditional "Compromise" dance ceremony with Nancy Pelosi, actually quite beautiful in it's own way.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Champion Surfer Found Dead
Police say he was as stiff as a board
written by Earl Grey, 03 November 2010
Nadine Coyle Injured While Shopping
Singer hurts herself whilst carrying a sack load of copies of her single out of Virgin Megastore. Sadly vocal chords left unharmed.
written by Earl Grey, 03 November 2010
Blair: dramatic break-out
Tony Blair has broken out of Gordon Brown's cellar and says he will hold John Prescott hostage until the Labour Party allow him to campaign in the election.
written by parveen liddy, 03 November 2010
Mafia Leaving
Mafia leaving the United States. "We can't compete with Washington."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Dollar Dipsy Doodle Continues
Fed easing may means 20% drop of dollar value. So offer all merchants 80% of price tag.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
No Christmas Cards
NYC mayor says city won't send Christmas cards this year. "I doubt if we will receive many either."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Obama Blow Up Sex Dolls!
Obama blow-up sex doll for sale in China. Seen by Kim of NKorea, who demands they make some like himself with one exaggeration!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Shredders Work Overnight
GOP likely to urge Obama officials not to shred documents, but too late!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
They Try Everything
Israeli airport gives rare glimpse into security as video shows how one male was caught with a switchblade in his beard.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
No More Closet Days!
Ricky Martin on coming out and coming into his own...kind.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Off To A Good Fart
Boehner wants to shelve health care 'monstrosity'. Right away making Obama hate his guts!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Prepare For Cuts
Future House majority leader wants cuts everywhere. Maybe making Politician-Millionaires do without Social Security.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Pot Loss Hurts Giant's Parade
Marijuana legalization measure loses in California, making Giants Parade not as much fun if you get caught.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Obama Can't Pass Anything. Michelle Worried
Dems save Senate majority, Reid; GOP grabs 6 seats while taunting "Filibuster! Filibuster! Filibuster!"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Cheney Almost Dropped #3
Bush thought about taking Cheney off 2004 ticket, but thought he might look silly on it by himself.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Cheney Almost Dropped #2
Bush thought about taking Cheney off 2004 ticket! "He DID?", states President Obama, while peeking over at Joe Biden.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Cheney Nearly Dropped
Bush thought about taking Cheney off 2004 ticket. But then, wjho would run the country?
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Mama Bear's Record
She didn't appear on any ballot yet one big question of the Tuesday night election was how well did Sarah Palin do? Only fair, so that gives GOP ammo not to run her for Prez in 2012!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
And Another One's Gone!
Alex Sink concedes Fla. gov. race to Rick Scott as Another One Bites The Dust!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
I Have Not Copyrighted It!
I have just named the "Tea Party" for the democrats can use to identify their foes. You could call them the "Pee Tardy".
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
GOP: Limited Government
Republicans promise an era of limited government. First, everyone is to send in their name, age, religion, political party, confessions to priests, etc. and it will go into practice!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Legal Pot Not!
Marijuana legalization measure loses in California. Plants are all taken back into people's homes.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Microchip Helps Restore Sight
Breakthrough: Microchip Implant Restores Partial Sight! But doesn't help make penis bigger like all those spam letters you got this morning.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Marijuana Loses in California
Marijuana legalization measure loses in California. Drug dealers draw a sigh of relief.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
McRib McBack!
The McRib Returns To McDonald's! "It's a sign", says Sarah Palin.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Obama changes mantra
"Yes we can. Probably. With your permission" is now the catchphrase
written by Mike Gatspy, 03 November 2010
GOP, Dems Agree!
House becomes HQ for 'Hell no' mood toward gov't. "No one wants to go to hell", both parties agree.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
The House Sold To Highest Bidder
Republicans ride voter unrest to control of House. Will be aiming next for the White House!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Plotters Didn't Know Where Bombs Would Blow!
Plotters didn't know where mail bombs would go off. Apologize to family of the late Al-Qaida #2.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Plotters Not Sure Bombs Would Blow
Plotters didn't know where mail bombs would go off. "But it was worth a shot!"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Pot Stays Illegal
Legalize-marijuana measure loses in California. Stoners too messed up to find their way to the polls.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Have To Smoke Outside The Restaurants
Legalize-marijuana measure loses in California. Illegal pot smoking to continue, of course.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
But Tea Party Celebrates
Voters carry anxiety, disappointment, butts to the polls.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Ten-Year-Old Mother
10-year-old gives birth in southern Spain. Says she hopes to be a Grandma at 20!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
"The is MY House! Mine!"
New House Speaker Boehner now has the toughest job in Washington...carrying Nancy Pelosi out kicking and scratching.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Melbourne Cup winner fined for kiss
"Next time I'll let the horse blow them one", says upset jockey.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
This Changes Everything?
Republicans deal stinging rebuke to Obama. "Better forget that ObamaCare thing."
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Whoops, Another Float In The Ocean
Huge crowds expected for San Fran Giants parade. City worries about getting up & down hills.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Lincoln's Nose In ND May Go Too
Newly Discovered Walls Buffered Sphinx from Egypt's Sand, except for big nose.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
New GOP Governors
GOP captures governorships in at least 10 states. May back Arizona against Washington on illegal aliens, Sunday's big Cardinals/Redskins game.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Tea Party Winners!
Voters embrace several tea party candidates. Invite them over for coffee.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Obama Congratulates Winners #2
Obama Congratulates Winners...but new GOP leaders veto it!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Obama Congratulates Winners
Obama congratulates winners: "Hey, tone down the laughter. Can we all just get along?"
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Forget The Message Box, Where's A Paddle?
Where the GOP's wins leave Obama and the Dems? Up that old creek with the smelly name.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Harry Slides By
Reid survives scares, wins 5th term in Senate. But many say he is not the mouse he once was!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Pelosi Loses Speaker Title, Bust Has Several Left!
Republicans ride voter unrest to control of House. Someone needs to stop the bleeding.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
GOP Takes The House
Republicans ride voter unrest to control of House. Nancy Pelosi says she's not surprised but her eyebrows disagree.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
The Magic Baby
An 18-month-old boy survived after falling seven floors and bouncing off a Paris cafe awning into the arms of a passer-by, witnesses said Tuesday. "See, cartoons real, says NKorea's Kim.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Guardian Angel Congratulated
An 18-month-old boy survived after falling seven floors and bouncing off a Paris cafe awning into the arms of a passer-by, witnesses said Tuesday. There's a movie here somewhere.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Boosting The Economy Again
Fed to launch bold, risky effort to boost economy. Everyone hoping it's better than the last 50.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Ten-Year-Old Mom!
10-year-old gives birth in southern Spain. Parents say that 9-year-old will have to make her an honest woman.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Boner First Since Clinton
Boehner now has the toughest job in Washington. First Boehner since Bill Clinton.
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Boner Now Ruling Washington
Boner now has the toughest job in Washington. I'm sorry, that should be "Boehner"!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
They're Here Again At Last!
Forget the elections, the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan, the McRib Is Back!
written by Bureau, 03 November 2010
Boehner's First Act as Speaker
Speaker-in-waiting Boehner said, "The first thing I'll do, is fumigate Nancy Pelosi's office for bed bugs, crabs, and grandchildren, any pearls, cucumbers or dentures found will go to Goodwill."
written by JAB, 03 November 2010
Bob Guccione's Memorial Mass To Be Held In Penthouse Forum
Pornographer's last words: Oh God I'm Coming!
written by manbrad, 03 November 2010
Tea Party-ers celebrate victories drinking whiskey
Tea Party supporters reportedly imbibing bottles of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Kentucky Wild Turkey instead of a nice cup of tea. Overheard: "Fuck tea!"
written by Juvenal Delinquent, 03 November 2010
John Boehner to spend majority of his time correcting mispronunciation of his surname
"It's 'BAY-nar', not 'Boner'!"
written by Juvenal Delinquent, 03 November 2010
Medical Marijuana loses in California
Regarding the loss, campaign backers claim that a large majority of the state's potheads were just too stoned to get out and vote. Will consider putting crytal meth on the ballot next time.
written by Juvenal Delinquent, 03 November 2010
Meg Whitman seeks new cleaning lady on Craigslist
Now that she's a billionaire private citizen once again, Meg Whitman is free to hire as many undocumented workers as she wants without worrying about looking like a hypocrite.
written by Juvenal Delinquent, 03 November 2010
Meg Whitman to Auction off Campaign Buttons on Ebay
After her failed bid to buy the California governor's seat, Meg Whitman says she will now try to recoup some of her losses by putting campaign materials up for sale on the popular auction site.
written by Juvenal Delinquent, 03 November 2010
107 Years Ago Panama Split From Colombia
When Panama and Colombia separated 107 years ago, Panama got the canal and the hat factories, and Colombia got the cocaine.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 November 2010
The Notorious Wild West Outlaw Black Bart
127 years ago the notorious Wild West outlaw Black Bart robbed his last stagecoach. BB was later captured when he tried to sell the stolen stagecoach to undercover Pinkerton Detectives.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 November 2010
The Disbanding of The American Continental Army
On Nov. 3, 1783, the American Continental Army was officially disbanded. All 391 soldiers applied at the U.S. Post Office and each one was hired.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 November 2010
Botox Out and Fake Tans In
Congress is changing, and that means Botox is out and fake tans are in, but voters still wonder what went wrong this election year.
written by UWGB-Beek, 03 November 2010
