"Canada saved my life," says Randy Quaid
"I'm seeking refugee status in Canada, because the Griswold's are trying to kill me (aka Cousin Eddie), why do you think they call him Chevy Chase"
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Helpful hints From TSA: 'How to speed your way through Airport Security'
If you're male, don't wear women's underwear, remove your guiche piercing. If you're female, take the batteries out of your dildo, remove the jewelry from your pierced labia.
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Faked Street View
Google Street View image of woman 'giving birth' on Berlin pavement exposed as fake. It was actually a man!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Lost Your Face?
Facebook allowed to trademark the word 'face'. From now on it's your 'mug!' as in 'The Mug That Launched A Thousand Ships!'
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Those RAF Planes Were In The Wrong Airspace
Dive, dive, dive! How amateur pilot in a Cessna caused chaos to 29-plane RAF formation marking the Queen's Birthday. Apologizes for spot of bother.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Former Troops To Restore Discipline!
Call me Sir! Former troops to be recruited as teachers in crackdown on trendy schooling. "Drop down and give me ten! Then DO your homework!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Rioting The Thing These Days
Burning with anger: London streets in flames again as 25,000 go on rampage in new student fees riot. "Worse than last year's 'Who was the best Beatle riot", says officer.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Heard It Here First
When asked about the North Korea firing on South Korea yesterday, Sarah Palin stated: "I hope those two don't come to war. That would be worse than East & West Vietnam."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Obama The Spender
Cost of operating Air Force One Hits $181,757 per hour as Obama Sets Travel Record, trying to flee Americans who realize they made a huge mistake.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Big Implant Mix-Up
German man demands money back for breast implants: "I was supposed to get penis implant. I am upset!" "Tell me about it", says bowlegged, flat chested female patient.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Pardon My Turkeys, Please
Obama Pardons Turkeys in Thanksgiving Tradition. "They were already thinned out earlier this month in elections."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Gashouse Gases Up In 2009
Greenhouse gases 'rise to record levels in 2009'. 'Glad we got that over and done with", say many.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
How About "Assface"?
Facebook Could Soon Own the Trademark for the Word "Face". Assbook copyrights asked for the word "Ass".
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Face Copyright By Facebook
Facebook Could Soon Own the Trademark for the Word "Face", the two-faced son of a guns.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Sure They'll Tell Us!
Muslims tell women to ask airport searchers to allow them to search themselves. Obama may agree. Anytime now you'll hear some Muslim lady say, "Why, there's a grenade in my head dress!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Blow Up Their Cartoons
U.S. condemns North Korean attack, but military strike unlikely with ten zillion Chinese watching.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Obama Versus Palin
Obama says he doesn't think about race vs. Palin. "I ran against a woman last time, remember?"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Irish Unveil Tax Hikes
Irish unveil harshest cuts, tax hikes in history. No one allowed to wear green unless conservationist.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Greenhouse Gases Up
UN: greenhouse gas concentration at record level. Then it's not factories here because most of them have been shut down.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Economies Teeter
Gloom, anger, despair, agony, deep-dark depression, excessive misery spreads as European economies teeter.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Pirates To Be Keelhauled
American jury convicts five Somali Pirates on piracy charges. Will be keelhauled off Florida Coast next Spring.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Brit student protests turn violent, the beer run out!
Brit students on the rampage turned violent today after peacefully protesting about the rising of fees the beer run out and then it turned really NASTY!
written by unknown
Press Always Makes It Worse!
Airport lines move smoothly despite warnings about security. "The press are always out to get a wild story going", stated one employee...doomed to die this very night!!!!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Pilgrims Enjoyed too much beer and ended up on Plymouth Rock
A drunk captain lead the pilgrims to Plymouth Rock. It is believed that if the captain hadn't been drunk on beer, they might have landed in the warmer climates of Florida.
written by UWGB-Beek, 24 November 2010
Pelosi to Cock Block Obama
Nancy Pelosi said she would cock block any Obama attempt to please Republicans.
written by UWGB-Beek, 24 November 2010
Rooney is barred from entering Scotland!
Before tonight's "Battle of Britain" clash between Man U & Rangers there was an incident on the border, Rooney was refused entry, he forgot his passport! He didn't really want to play anyway!
written by unknown
A Pot Conference
Pres. Obama and S. Korea leader Lee agree to hold joint military exercises, joint meetings in California hospitals where joints are legal!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Colors To Words
Homeland Security recommends replacing color-coded terror alert system with more descriptive way of describing threats, like 'Fair unto middling' and 'Shit your pants now!'
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Girl From Ipanema Called Police
Bomb threat closes roads in Rio de Janeiro after suspected explosive device is found in Ipanema, Brazil police sing.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Obama Partons Turkeys
President Barack Obama pardons turkeys 'George Bush' and 'Cheney'!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Sarah Palin A Distraction
Sarah Palin, wearing a swimsuit: If I Become a Distraction I Won't Run.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
DiCaprio A Real Man
Tough-guy Putin calls DiCaprio 'a real man'...after checking him TSA style.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Charged Me Equivalent Of $2,000 An Hour
Man arrested after calling cops to complain about prostitute's performance. Pro insists it was not her fault that he lasted 30 seconds.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
I Need To Go Again
Passenger hauled off plane for too many bathroom breaks claims he had the shits!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Spreading Infections!
Inspection gloves spreading infections? Question comes from basketball player who was hand-checked.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Fatties, Smellies & Politicians! Oh My!
TSA WORKERS FEAR BACKLASH...Vent their anger at fatties, politicians and smellies.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Paul's Crotched Grabbed
Ron Paul: Crotch Groped by TSA, Calls for Boycott of Airlines. "Thought I had 2 grenades hidden."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Scanners Multiplying
Full-body scanners popping up at courthouses, shopping malls, available to use before allowing anyone into your house.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
You Can't Trust Relatives
BIG SIS: Next step for body scanners could be trains, boats, Grandma's house for Thanksgiving.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Tea Party: Buy Made In USA Products
China and Russia have decided to renounce the US dollar and resort to using their own currencies for bilateral trade. US citizens should purchase US made products as much as possible.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Now Hully-Gully Around The Room
Woman: Agents Singled Me Out For My Breasts! "Made me jump up and down on trampoline to see that anything secretly concealed would drop out."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
So It's True?
Child born with two heads has highest IQ ever recorded.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Number Of DUIs To Increase
AAA Expects Record Traffic on Highways or at least on and off highways.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
61% Against TSA!
POLL: 61% oppose new airport security measures. Should a plane be blown from the sky, 95% would be for new airport security measures.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
TSA issues further guidelines
According to TSA it is prohibited to put a smiley face on ones buttocks, a tail sticking out of ones ass, glasses on ones penis and glitter on ones vagina,until further notice.
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Obama's responds to China's refusal to pin blame on N Korea
"We believe General Tso's chicken." Huh?
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Gigolo sues the TSA
Deuce Bigalow in a statement said, "The radiation from the scanner has made me half the man I used to be."
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Heather Mills breaks her nose going through JFK security
Sir Paul's ex was asked to remove her leg before proceeding through the scanner, lost her balance and fell flat on her face. The leg was fine.
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Arkansas Man Sues TSA #2
Arkansas man sues over new TSA full-body scans. "Now the whole world will know I have a half-inch penis."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Arkansas Man Sues TSA
Arkansas man sues over new TSA full-body scans after discovery of possum in pants.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Working Abroad Seminar.
Conclusion: Some people are working abroad. Some aren't.
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 24 November 2010
Saul Bellow Letters Revealing
Saul Bellow letters show man behind novels. Not written all by itself and previously thought.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Ryanair Announce Cutbacks.
Latest "frills" to go include wings and radar.
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 24 November 2010
Bush Book Selling Many Copies
George W. Bush memoir has sold 1.1 million copies, 897 originals and rest are cheap copies sold on the street for a buck.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Pilot Transplants
Pilot transplant project aims to spur kidney swaps among pilots!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Middle-Aged Americans Unhappy
Middle-aged Americans unhappy about sex while older Americans popping purple pills and enjoying the thrills of massive dills!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Come Swim Our Lake
World's lakes getting hotter, more than the air. Many along Lake Superior to open oil-free beaches.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Black Friday Blitz
Thrift stores seek a share of Black Friday blitz. But retailers say "You've had most of the customers lately."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
China To The Rescue
Euro slides as Europe's debt crisis spreads. China offers help.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Obama Accused Of Friending Castro
Obama admin accused of not supporting Cuban dissidents, pursuing policy of 'aggressive niceness' toward communist country. "Don't come to Miami", say many.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Martha Stewart Special
Martha Stewart Special tonight on Thanksgiving will show everyone how to flip the bird.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
But This Is Our Biggest Story
Storm shuts roads in Rockies; Utah blizzard looms! Over 100 suicides as weatherman get carried away.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Pope Condemns Condemnation Of Using Condoms!
Conservatives at odds with Vatican over condoms. "Like taking a shower in a raincoat!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Nkorea Wants Attention
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention. "You're stupid and we all know it, OK?"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Save The Tiger
Focus on India as world meets to save Tiger. Woods hasn't won a tournament in over a year now.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
SKorea, US Play War Games
US, S.Korea plan war games after N.Korean attack. Stick out tongues, asses towards NKorea.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Flying Snakes' Secret Revealed
In many jungles snakes make pact with monkeys who hurl them towards another tree.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Thought For The Day:
Golf! What's that all about? It's not even a 'good walk spoiled' for my mate - he uses a buggy. Lazy bugger!
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 24 November 2010
How To Eat Turkey
Talking Turkey: Tips on How to Eat the Bird Safely: Chopsticks are difficult to use and children can get eye injuries. Remember old proverb about not running through the house with chopsticks in hand.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Poll Results Released
Afghanistan releases majority of election results. Dog at others.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Give It To Everybody Else
AP-Gfk Poll: Consumers feel less angst from debt. Holiday shoppers may ask for bailout in January.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
May As Well Shop!
AP-Gfk Poll: Consumers feel less angst from debt. "Whole country in debt anyway."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Worm Farmers Having No Customers
Thousands of worm farmers say they have been had. "We were tricked through ads promising riches!" Looking into sea monkeys.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Another Sign
Pope Benedict promotes 24 new Cardinals. Global Warming scientists say that this is another sign of Global Warming.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Floods, Then Drought Equals Out
Weathermen: Many areas of US to be exactly on average for rainfall this year. Global Warming groups say that is a sign of Global Warming.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Big Snowstorn Out West
Storm shuts roads in Rockies; Utah blizzard looms. Weathermen say there's already a mountain of snowfall.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Knockoffs Welcome?
Anti-AIDS groups hail drug but worry over cost. However, mass production could bring it down. Also, formula stolen and cheap overseas.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
The Third Eye
3rd eye: NYU artist gets camera implanted in head. Pervert gets one implanted in top of shoe.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
India Restricts Cell Phone Use
India district bans cell phones for unmarried women. However, unmarried men can call mothers all day.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Cry For Attention #2
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention. "We have flying snakes also."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
NKorea A Cry For Attention
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention. May get more than they asked for.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
NKorea A Cry For Help
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention! "A cry for help from the poor military leaders", say nutjob psychologist.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Avoid These Whenever Possibly
Flying Snakes' Secret Revealed! Also, the secret of the 50MPH Hoop Snakes!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Flying Serpents
Flying Snakes' Secret Revealed! Little wings pop out as they fly to another tree.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
EU Troubles Continue
Portugal, Spain hit by investor fears over debt. Madoff: "I'd forgotten all about those."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Scanner Protests #3
Placards, kilts, mimes wearing five layers of clothing part of plans for scanner protests.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Scanner Protests #2
Placards, kilts, painted on skin swimsuits part of plans for scanner protests.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Scanner Protests
Placards, kilts, several Lady Godivas part of plans for scanner protests.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Manchester United Fans Expect A Warm Welcome In Glasgow
But only in Celtic pubs.
written by Skoob1999, 24 November 2010
The Vatican Rag
First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
Thanks Tom Lehrer
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Gillian McKeith Wants To Talk To Katie Price.
Why? Gillian said she's never seen 'I'm A Celeb' So how would she know KP got voted to all the trials too? SEN smells a rat...
written by Skoob1999, 24 November 2010
RIP Ingrid Pitt: We Will Never Forget You
Fangs for the mammaries...
written by pinxit, 24 November 2010
Bristol Palin's Son Tripp Offered TV Show
"Neglected By The Stars" to premiere in January.
written by manbrad, 24 November 2010
So Farewell, Ingrid Pitt.
Cor! Didn't half fancy you in my teens in the 70's!
written by Ellis Ian Fields, 24 November 2010
Tiger Woods sues TSA
Tiger Woods says, the TSA accused him of trying to bring a golf club through security. TSA apologized, saying it appeared to be a Nike swish when Mr. Woods went through the full-body scan.
written by JAB, 24 November 2010
Bigger Wongs In Phone Book
One in 400,000 Li Wongs in China changes middle name to Bigger!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2010
Man Posing As Taliban Leader Misled NATO
A man posing as a Taliban leader told NATO that Osama bin Laden was in Afghanistan instead of Pakistan - and was paid millions. "We found out he gave us a phony address," an official commented.
written by kslaught, 24 November 2010
Go Figure
Kim Kardashian refuses the full body scan at a US airport as she doesn't want anyone to see her naked, except in Playboy Magazine. Kim opts for the enhanced pat down given by a smiling TSA screener!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
Environmental Thanksgiving Turkey during a Recession
Free range turkeys, who have led a good & complete life, are available for milady's green, organic, animal rights Thanksgiving table this year. A mere $11 per pound "gives this bird" to her family!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
Bring Back the Peseta and Escudo
EU is considering a North & a South Euro, allowing debtor nations to cut the value of their currency. Germany & France are upset as Spain & Portugal may only print physically smaller sized Euros!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
Eagerly Awaiting New House Speaker Boehner
Lame duck Congressional Democrats propose new spending. US economy grew slightly faster last summer, benefiting from stronger consumer spending & improved overseas sales, meaning more tax revenue.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
Items Discovered at the Airport
TSA screeners using full body scanners are finding various items stuck in travelers butts, such as tax bills & lawyers notices. Apparently, it's the result of irate clients telling them "to shove it!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
Just Checking
TSA SCREENER: We're not here groping or molesting people, just checking for explosives that could be hidden in the groin area. PASSENGER: Get your finger out of my arse, you're not a Proctologist!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
But Not the Flying Peasants
The TSA Director has announced that US Government Commissars, I mean high ranking US Government Officials will be exempt from airport full body scans and enhanced pat down procedures!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
The Cat in the Hat
Freshman Congresswoman wants 150 year old US House rule changed so she can wear a hat in the chamber. New House Speaker Boehner agrees provided President Obama wears a Dunce Cap when visiting!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
President Obama Pleased
President Obama congratulates the Democratic group "Organizing for America" & the great job they did in electing Republicans to the US House. All are being reassigned to Yeonpyeong Island South Korea!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
President Obama also Failed Arithmetic
President Obama said the US must extend tax cuts for the middle class ($2.4 trillion) but could not afford to do so for the wealthy ($700 billion). Obama's far left wing ideology trumps arithmetic!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
South Korea Warns North Korea
SK warns NK of "enormous retaliation" if it took more aggressive steps after Pyongyang fired scores of artillery shells at a SK island. Seoul was preempting an apology from Pres. Obama to Kim Jong Il!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 24 November 2010
