Meat Factory Blown
Terrorist group, Hummus, claims credit for blowing up meat factory!
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Higher US Unemployment Rate
For the first time unemployment rate in the US is above that of Afghanistan. "Taliban hires everybody that applies", says President.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
No Comprende
Illegal immigrants from Mexico wondering how they got across border, were given a job in the military and are now in Afghanistan, within a week?
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Sickopedia
Sickopedia admits that some of the facts on their web encyclopedia are a little vague, but don't we have some nice erotic drawings?
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #7
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "The Barking Spider" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #6
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "The Human Porch" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #5
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "The Peanut League Of America" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #4
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "The Tumblebug" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #3
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "The Flame" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic #2
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "Captain Crappybritches" series after the one tissue....issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Marvel Cancels Comic
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's "The Incredible Sulk" series after the one issue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Call The Guiness People
Police in Chicago say they have stumbled upon a mummified remains of a man in the basement of an old abandoned building, sitting in front of a black & white TV showing "Gilligan's Island".
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Got Him Again
The head of the United Nations military group in Afghanistan has announced that, for the tenth time, they have killed Al-Qaida #2.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Jesus alone cant get bums on seats at passion plays, he needs help from above!
Passion plays are suffering from the recession and Jesus alone can't get bums on seats, his Dad has promised to intervene by sending down thunder and bolts of lightning when Jesus dies, cool eh!
written by unknown
Israel blame the Nazi's for attacking Palestinian mercy boats!
Israel is not to blame, it was all a huge misunderstanding and had something to do with Nazi's attacking them again not them attacking Palesitinian mercy boats, well at least the US believes them!
written by unknown
Correction #05
In a previous snippet I said that I am well endowed.
On further examination it was discovered that I have a tiny knob.
I apologise unreservedly to myself.
written by unknown
Correction #04
In a previous snippet we said that Mary Jones is an ugly bitch.
We looked into the matter is found that she is just a bitch.
We apologise unreservedly to Ms. Jones
written by unknown
Correction #03
In a previous snippet we said that Barry Nubbins had a wank in bed last night
On further examination we discovered he simply had an itch.
We apologise unreservedly to Mr. Nubbins.
written by unknown
Correction #02
In a previous snippet we said the world was flat.
We later discovered it is roundy shaped.
We apologise unreservedly to Mrs. Mother Nature.
written by unknown
Correction #01
In a previous snippet we referred to local man Barry Nubbins as 'a dickhead'.
We should have said 'knobhead'.
We apologise unreservedly to Mr. Nubbins.
written by unknown
Obama saying sayonara
President Barack Obama will resign from the Presidency effective noon tomorrow because he can't stand the White House cleaner, who is Haitian. "Man she's an old cow!" he exclaimed. Take a raincheck?
written by whatinthe world, 31 May 2010
Prez listens to the people
The President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, will step down from office effective noon tomorrow following a request from a 12 year old elementary school student. The student hates him.
written by whatinthe world, 31 May 2010
BP causes more trouble
The Gulf oil leak just grew bigger today when someone inadvertantly asked "What does this button do?", causing the drill to go deeper into the seabed. Ah, come on BP! This is embarrassing. Yo man.
written by whatinthe world, 31 May 2010
Recent Discovery Rethought
Scientists admit that the recent "missing link" probably not what they thought. "But it still could be his sausage."
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Ready To Duke It Out!
South Carolina accuses North Carolina of having WMD's, wanting to reunite the Carolina state.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
More Crop Circles
New crop circles in Britain clearly show X's and O's to men on low flying plane.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Aliens Caught In Arizona
Arizona's new law to check illegal aliens catch twenty the first day. They have deported them back to home planet in their UFO.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Frog Plague In Greece
Plague of frogs shuts down highway in Greece, headed by to France.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Updated Favorite Movies List #18
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "The Last Penis Show"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Updated Favorite Movies List #17
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Cargo"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudist's Updated Favorite Movies List #16
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "The Show Dank Redemption"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Updated Favorite Movies List #15
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Footsie"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Favorite Updated Movies List #14
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "ET, The Extra Testicle"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Favorite Updated Movies List #13
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "The Silicone Of The Lamps"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Updated Favorite Movies List #12
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Puckered Lips Now"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Updated Favorite Movies List #11
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Close Encounters Of The Mankind"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Updated favorite Movies List #10
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Two Hung Under The Cuckoo's Best"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movies List #9
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Don't Leak Now"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorit Movie List #8
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "The French Position"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movies List #7
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Fanny Haul"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movies List #6
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including ""Balls! (He's Out There In The Water)
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Dontrelle Willis.
It's time the Mets got Dontrelle Willis,
Another bad pitcher really won't kill us.
Just one more decision
That draws broad derision,
It's certainly bound to fulfill us.
written by anthonyrosania, 31 May 2010
God hates Louisiana.
Need proof? Hurricanes Gustav, Rita, Katrina, Lili, Andrew, Betsy, Audrey. Danny Wuerffel. Russell Erxleben. 1977-78 New Orleans Jazz uniforms. BreAnn McGregor.
written by anthonyrosania, 31 May 2010
Still Plenty Of Fish Down There
BP Oil admits that "topkill" failure over weekend, succeeded in killing everything above spill area within a mile.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Dollar Drops Again
The dollar falls in value once again, now down to .04 Sea Bass.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
KimJo Madder Than Ever
North Korea's KimJo in a rage. Breaks off all relations with Disney, Warner Brothers, Acme products, Homer Simpson.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
60% Unhappy
Six out of 10 couples 'unhappy in their relationship'. Will eventually return to their mates.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Britain's Got Talent Could Have Suicides Also
Britain's Got Talent will end with suicide if ridicule continues, warn mental health experts. Ask that "dying calf in hailstorm", "was that your voice or a fart?' taunts be dropped.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Might Avoid Swimming
Officials now worry that yearly swamp fires will set the entire Gulf on fire.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
BP Reassures Americans
BP reassures Americans that at one point the amount of oil and sea water will balance out and well will stop leaking. "I expect it by this time next year", says CEO.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
He Really Hates
Islamic 'Hate" preacher allowed to come into England, says he hates them for allowing it.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Deceptive Ads
War on 'bogus' sales: Stores told low-price promises and giveaways could be banned as customer that won a car, gets a "Hot Wheels"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Killing Kit Found
Police divers in 'Crossbow Cannibal' case find 'killing kit' of saws, knives, ketchup, relish and body tissue.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Money Shortage Affects Theatre Goers
'Shrek' better than 'Sex' with $43M at box office as Americans say they need more "green" at this time.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
"Pot Party" May Protest
Oakland to license, tax, sample indoor marijuana growers!
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Facebook Blocked
Bangladesh blocks Facebook over prophet, big dong drawings.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Spending Reduces Stress?
Debt-induced stress continues for many Americans. But they plan to spend their way out of it.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
"Summer Of Oil" On The Coast
Summer of oil looms for beleaguered Gulf Coast. Giving 50% discounts, all the free oil you can haul.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Elderly "Make A Wish"
For elderly, a different kind of 'make a wish'. Ask that terrorist blow up hated nursing facilities.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Backpacker Kills Bear #2
A backpacker shot and killed a grizzly bear with his handgun in Alaska's Denali National Park, officials said, after it charged him & his wife. PETA to investigate. Say bear was only greeting them.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Backpacker Kills Bear
A backpacker shot and killed a grizzly bear with his handgun in Alaska's Denali National Park, officials said, after it charged him & his wife. PETA to investigate. Say bear was unarmed.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movie Lists #5
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Flashville"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movie List #4
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "The Bad Glands"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movie List #3
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Chins Town"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movie List #2
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "Five Easy Feces"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Nudists Update Favorite Movie List
Nudist Colonies around the US have updated some of their movie favorites, including "The Codfather"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Gulf Now 5% Oil!
BP Oil still spilling into the Gulf, which is now 5% oil.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
SKorea Ups Tension Over Sunken Ship
SKorea steps up campaign over ship sinking. Sending Colonel Potter, Hawkeye Pierce along with own leaders to negotiate.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Blobs Vs Hurricanes
Oil rises above $74 as hurricane season looms. 25 mile long oil blobs may do battle with hurricanes this year.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Turkey Ambassador Withdrawn.
Ambassador withdraws turkey from Israel over ship raid. I'm sorry, that should be ambassador withdrawn by Turkey.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Elderly "Make A Wish"
For elderly, a different kind of 'make a wish' as Chippendale dancers show up at Nursing Home.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Field Of Cow Dreams
Is milk from grass-fed cows better for you? New poll shows that 90% of cows think so.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
No Wonder Americans Are Stressed
SKorea steps up campaign over ship sinking, Israeli troops storm aid flotilla, oil still gushing into Gulf, day off to a great start.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Man without a facebook
"Quit Facebooks Day" barely makes a ripple as 23,000 quit the social networking site of 500 million. Completely unaffected: 6 billion other people who don't give a rat's ass about Facebooks.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
Tit for tat
BP to halt oil flow by severing a leaky pipe, which could increase flow 20%! If they do, I plan to increase blood flow by severing the jugular vein of... Who came up with that stupid idea, anyway!?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
Greedy BASTARDS!!
Up to 16 killed when Israeli commandos attack ships from Turkey carrying 10,000 tons of humanitarian aid for Palestinians. Greedy Israeli troops later spotted noshing on Turkish Delight.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
Two can play at that game
Israel says food, medicine, medical equipment allowed into Gaza regularly, denies there is a humanitarian crisis. Palestinians say, "Okay, fine. We don't believe there was a Holocaust, either!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
That's news to me
Premiers of China, Japan agree to set up hotline to discuss resource exploration after E. China Sea incidents. Story a surprise hit in U.S. as millions click on results matching "asian naval hotline."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
Two birds, one stone
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer submits BP with plan to stop flow of oil into Gulf of Mexico by diverting flow of illegal Mexican immigrants into leaking pipe.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
They get it from mom
Celine Dion pregnant with twins. Doctors surprised to find precocious siblings harmonizing Titanic themes in ultrasound as they float in amniotic fluid.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
This is how you do it
BP's coup de grace, dubbed a "top kill," fails to stop alarming flow of crude into Gulf of Mexico. President Obama promises eventual "top kill" of BP will be considerably more effective.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 May 2010
Shrek Gets DUI
After he was pulled over he started feeling very green.
written by Nik Voelz, 31 May 2010
Aliens Prefer Pizza
While shooting a scene for the next Star Trek, The Spock Uhura Tragedy, Pine and Quinto were out voted by four hundred Romulan extras who wanted pizza over Thai.
written by C. Cranium, 31 May 2010
Celine Dion Is Pregnant With Twins!
The singer's hangers-on confirm that Celene Dion, 42 and her husband Rene Angelil, 116, are expecting twins! In other non-news, grass is green, trees are pretty, and my ass itches 15 hours a day.
written by anthonyrosania, 31 May 2010
New Reality Show "Spot the Spoof" to Air this Fall
Viewers are asked to try and differentiate between what is real and what is not, kinda like watching Kate Plus Eight.
written by Charpa93, 31 May 2010
Stem Leak
BP announces yet another failure to stem leak. Wise Ass in audience yells that his stem leaks also.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
BP Snows Obama
Hundreds of illegal aliens say they were given uniforms and rushed to oil slick before Obama's arrival last week.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Blondes On Parades
Hundreds of blond Latvian women have been marching through the capital Riga to try to bolster the national spirit in time of recession. "They DO life your uh spirits", says viewer.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Plague Of Frogs
Al Gore blames plague of frogs in Greece on global warming.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
New Bush Book
George W. Bush's new book almost competed once he finishes with Mr. Squirrel's tail.
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #27
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Magic Gadget"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #26
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Footlong Fatboy"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #25
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Family Jowls"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #24
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Super-Sized Eggroll"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #23
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Instant Thick As A Brick"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #22
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Quicker Dicker"
written by Bureau, 31 May 2010
