Stockpile of Tar Found in One Louisiana Parish
The tar was discovered in a large kettle simmering over an open fire. Several garbage bags full of chicken feathers were found close by along with a list of the names of the BP oil executives.
written by Charpa93, 30 May 2010
CA Medical Marijuana Club Unionizes, Becomes Even More Unproductive.
Oakland, CA: 100 employees at a medical marijuana dispensary joined the United Food & Commercial Workers Union. Management: "Jesus, we thought they were unmotivated and unproductive before.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 May 2010
Facebook Facing Forced Name Change
60 percent of users are thinking about leaving Facebook. The CEO of Facebook said that, according to Federal law, if the percentage of people leaving goes past 80% it must change its name to MYSPACE.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 May 2010
Bart Simpson charged with shoplifting.
This week Simpsons progeny Bart J. Simpson was arrested and charged with shoplifting. He was spotted engaging in what police are characterizing as a "four-finger discount".
written by anthonyrosania, 30 May 2010
BP Chief: "Top Kill Does Not Mean Murder CEO!"
BP PLC CEO Tony Hayward is adamant about getting the message out: " 'Top Kill' does not mean murder the CEO!"
written by anthonyrosania, 30 May 2010
It's a gusher!
Spoof writer has idea to stop flow of oil into Gulf, submits it at BP website. Company complains, "As you can see, we're already up to our necks in ridiculous ideas. Give us a break!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 30 May 2010
Las Vegas Danger Downgraded
Homeland Security has taken Las Vegas off High Risk From Terrorists List. Odds now 50-1 against.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Watch Out For Camel Doo
Kurds and Arabs, who have fought for over 1,000 years, to attend Beer Conference In DC. Expect big camel traffic not on GPS system.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Mole In Iran?
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demands to know who leaked information to Israelis that he wanted to destroy them.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Minimum Security Provided
Former members of the US House of Representatives hold reunion at the Big House.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #25
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "R-I-G-G-I-N-G! What That BP Did To Me!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #24
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Give Grease A Chance"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #23
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Emulsion Please Set Me Free"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #22
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Tangled Up In Goo!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #21
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Drilling Me Softly"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Todd Bridges fears he's next on Grim Reaper's hit list
"First Dana Plato; now Gary Coleman. It's only a matter of time," said Todd Bridges, the last survivor of 80s sitcom Diff'rent Strokes. "I'd have been safer if I'd been born a Kennedy."
written by Amethyst Ryder, 30 May 2010
Cockney Curb Crawling guide to Yorkshire says 'The Brass Doors in Bradford are very tasty'
Local man Stephen Griffiths agrees they are the tastiest hookers in Britain
written by Bill Licks, 30 May 2010
Dyslexic Crossbow Cannibal takes on 80's cereal advert catchphrase challenge..... and succeeds
Shreaded Whores - Bet You Can't Eat More Than Three
written by Bill Licks, 30 May 2010
Crossbow Cannibal releases new book....
Shoots, Eats and Leaves : The Zero Tolerance Guide to Prostitution
written by Bill Licks, 30 May 2010
House cats always want to be on the other side of door
Scientists studied to determine if cats really wanted to be on the other side of the door. The study had two identical environments with glass door. They still wanted to be on other side.
written by C. Cranium, 30 May 2010
Cougar saves songbirds
Boris the cat was notorious for eating endangered song birds. An unnamed wild cougar, missing songbird songs, resolved the problem by eating Boris.
written by C. Cranium, 30 May 2010
Marvel Drops Superhero
Marvel Comics drops it's latest super hero, "The Fly", after one issue. Seems the big battle on the turd turned most fans away.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Japanese Split Over Okinawa Base
Japan's socialist party has voted to leave the ruling coalition because of a row over a US base in Okinawa. "This is perfect timing", states pro-base party, with NKorea ready to attack.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Biggest US Eco-Disaster
The oil spill is the US biggest eco-disaster ever, passing even that of Kennedy Family Baked Bean Cookout Gas Attack of 1960! At least no one has died with this one.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Fans Loiter at MJ's Grave.
Michael Jackson's cemetery began removing people hanging out in front of MJ's grave. A fan group is concerned about their plans to gather at the mausoleum on June 25. The event's name: LOSERPALOOZA.
written by anthonyrosania, 30 May 2010
That Show Blows!
Much larger volcano in Iceland, CEO's of major airlines, showing signs they may erupt.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Applicants Offer To Work For Fringe Benefits Only.
Employees at California medical marijuana facility joint union. That should be "join" union.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Dog-faced Boy Meets up with Boy-faced Dog
They both licked each other and pissed on the carpet.
written by unknown
Local Man Discovers Way to Turn Shite into Cash
Mr. Simon Cowell has made a fortune from producing a constant stream of shite.
"People just pay me to produce it", he boasted
written by unknown
BP Switches Tactics
BP quits throwing GOLF BALLS into the oil well. Now throwing in the towel.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Local Atheist finds Jesus
"He was hiding behind my sofa the whole time. The cheeky little monkey!", said Barry Nubbins.
written by unknown
Plug Not Worth A Plug Nickle
Latest Attempt by BP to Plug Oil Leak in Gulf of Mexico Fails as President Obama threatens to plug BP leadership.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Rhinosaur Discovered
The rhinosaur: Five-ton horned prehistoric reptile that looked like rhino is unearthed in Mexico. Believed to be the ancestor of the modern Jackalope.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Need Concorde Back
Experts begin £15m project to get Concorde back to flying and losing money again.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Ebola Breakthrough
Breakthrough in fight against fatal Ebola as new drug saves 100% of monkeys tested, only losing their tails. However, Males still wary about that lost tail thing.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Americanisms
Say no to the get-go! Americanisms swamping English, so wake up and smell the coffee, Ya'll hear?
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Queen To Miss Games
The Queen to miss Commonwealth Games for first time in 44 years. "I'm simply getting too old for football".
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Rags To Riches To Rags
Lotto lout Michael Carroll going back to being a binman after blowing £9.7m win. "Best six months I ever had!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
The Axeman Cometh!
The shortest Cabinet career in HISTORY: Treasury axeman Laws resigns over expenses he paid to his gay lover. Guinness approves claims.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Man Utd not for sale, they even offer their players "old age pensions"
Following AC Milan down the road to winning fuck all, Man Utd owners, the Glazers, have told the world Utd is not for sale, last reports were that Sir Alex is contemplating suicide!
written by unknown
"Fluffy Is Fine!"
Kitten survives wash and spin in a washing machine, being hung out on clothesline.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Top Ten Beaches
NY's Southampton beach tops Dr. Beach's 10 best. Louisiana's Oilslick Acres at the bottom of list.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
If You're A Budding Killer
Violent video games are now being touted as learning fool.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
No Help From Bill Clinton
While the oil well keeps leaking, everyone is wondering: "Where's Slick Willie to advise Obama?"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Obama Frustrated, Takes It Out On Golf Balls
Obama says ongoing leak of oil is 'engaging'. I'm sorry, that should have been, 'enraging'.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
BP Credibility Fading Fast
AP: Spill grew, BP's credibility faded as 500 BP workers rushed in during Obama visit were gone the next day, say locals.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Americans Debt-Dogged
Poll finds debt-dogged Americans stressed out. Average pet food budget for Bowser up 25%.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Obama: If It Works, I'll Be On The Golf Course
BP turns to next attempt after top kill fails as SpongeBob Squarepants arrives today.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Getting Too Close
Concern over growing number of aircraft near-collisions. Even more concern over possible near-missings.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Pre-Memorial Day Marches
Thousands march to protest Ariz. immigration law. Today, thousands expected to march for it.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Korean Situation Needs To Be Defused
China premier: Korean tensions must be defused as KimJo declares war on Japan, SKorea and Wiley Coyote.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Need To Come Down Anyway
Groups stuggle to fund fireworks shows may just implode old abandoned buildings all over town.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Really Perfect
Halladay throws perfect game, beats Marlins 1-0 without once spitting or scratching his groin.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Life As A Hologram
At NYC sci fest, asking 'What if we're holograms?' If so, why can't we be beamed to a second Earth. It would take us a hundred years to screw it up.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Rest In Peace
Diana's daring black dress, just discovered along with toenail clippings, goes on the block.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Radioactive Leak #2
Radioactive leak found, fixed at Vt. nuke plant. CEO: "Hey Look! Oil spill in the Gulf!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Probably Still Live For Some Time
Radioactive leak found, fixed at Vt. nuke plant, with only a couple thousand people exposed.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Wal-Mart Cuts Prices, Changes Images
Wal-Mart makes splashy price cuts to get mojo back. Smiley Face replaced Smiley Condom.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Hopper Bikes Off Into Sunset
Dennis Hopper, Hollywood hero and antihero, lives, dies.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Better Romances, Marriages
Close Relationship with Mom Leads to Better Romance Later. Especially if girlfriend looks and cooks like Mom!
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Too Close For Comfort
Concern over growing number of aircraft near-collisions after pilots beginning to recognize other pilot's face, they are so close. "I could have wiped his ass!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Shark Fin Finished
No more eating shark fin in Hawaii after new law. It's now the whole sharp or nothing.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
That Should Do It
China premier: Korean tensions must be defused. Propose sending in one million peacekeepers.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Most Americans Tarred & Weary
Poll finds debt-dogged, oil-leak bogged Americans stressed out!
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Next For BP?
BP turns to next attempt after top kill fails: The lowering of the Company CEO into the break.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Germany stuff everybody again, well who else would want to win the Eurovision?
Germans, renowned for Mercedes, BMW, Miele and beating England at penalties have won it, WHAT? The biggest crap throwing contest on the planet, called Eurovision, well they can fucking KEEP IT!
written by unknown
Michael Moore Cures Gulf Goo
Movie-maker, Michael Moore, has aimed his biggest crap at the Gulf Goo leak and has successfully plugged it.
written by PP Rega, 30 May 2010
I just flew in from Newark
Henny Youngman we remember you, and boy are our arms tired. Happy Birthday Henny, 104 years old -- actually dead and gone.
written by C. Cranium, 30 May 2010
Pelosi: It Was Bush!
Nancy Pelosi blames the Bush Administration for oil leak, the sinking of the Titanic and a bad case of the crabs.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Psychics Tell America on Larry King "We Told You So"
Psychics appearing on Larry King say they usually don't gloat about being right when talking about the oil spill disaster, but claim they did warn something big would happen sometime soon and it did.
written by Charpa93, 30 May 2010
Halloween 2012
Oct. 31, 2012 may be the scariest Halloween ever! Not because Mayans predicted the end of the world, but due to President Obama & former Governor Sarah Palin being the presidential election choices.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 May 2010
Ketchup is a Vegetable
A liberal think tank study has verified that President Reagan was correct, Ketchup is a vegetable. The Obama administration's obesity reduction program now includes Ketchup as part of healthy eating.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 May 2010
Moratorium on Laughter Called by Louisiana Legislators
The severity of the oil spill has finally sunk in and no one is in a mood to laugh, not even at stupid Uranus jokes.
written by Charpa93, 30 May 2010
Democrats Blame President Bush's Tax Cuts for BP Oil Spill
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs said "If the government had more tax money, the Interior Department would have had more people monitoring oil company deep water drilling instead of watching PORN!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 May 2010
Miracle Cabbage Head
Head of cabbage discovered in California looks just like former President George W. Bush. That makes over 1,000 so far.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Limbo In Limbo
Vatican considering doing away with the belief of Limbo. "Right now the subject is kind of in 'no man's land', says Bishop Hood.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Trouble
More trouble for ex-Prime Minister Brown as massive grave discovered in back yard.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
Coke Ups The Ante
While Mexican Coke has the old recipe with sugar and people pay double to get these, Columbia say they may ask to put cocaine back into the still-older recipe.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #20
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including ANYTHING by Grace Slick.
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #19
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Grease, Grease Me!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #18
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "The Smell Of Oil My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #17
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "You've Lost That Drilling Feeling"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #16
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Ballad Of Petro & Lefty"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #15
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "The Tracks Of My Tars"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #14
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "Water Goo!"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
More Outlawed Songs #13
More songs have been outlawed on the Gulf Oil Coast beaches, including "I Found My Spill"
written by Bureau, 30 May 2010
