Lack of Sleep Takes Its Toll
Len Blatt's latest novella, Iris Amis and The Onyx Ibis, has "all the simmering tension of a plate of lukewarm boiled haddock", says Pinking Scissors & Shears Monthly.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Brooch The Subject
Salvador Dali was actually very normal, and used to eat a boiled egg with an apostle spoon every morning. "That's wierd", says Dr Who fan Lara, 19, of Tarporley. "I eat my eggs with my family!"
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
The Legacy of King Olaf
Horse Partiesare held by Horse & Hound readers in the mostly. Not Hounds, they might fight, but just behaved Horses, are invited into the houses of people. Imagine a room full of seated Horse guests.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Hilarious Mutton Songs
Many vicarage chimneys have an inner trandle or stoor. These were often fitted between the wars, as a deterrent for climbing Bishops, who would try to get up the chimneys of the vicars they visited and intimidated with their mad regalia.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
How To Stop Your Brain
The Queen, which is a famous National Monument of England, was builded in 1843 by Lord Nelson. It was constructed out of disused sewer bricks gained when Joseph Bazalgette buildeded these Cockney's Sewers. Oh yes.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Gas Shortage Threatens Ethiopia
Noel Edmonds is an annoying little tosser, as well as being a famous bearded twat whose favourite hobby is tickling trout with a false arm and hand made out of varnished papier mache.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Fun With Cyanide
...whereas Lionel Blair keeps a brace of imaginary wildebeest in a make-believe wicker goose-bottle. I am told that Noel Edmonds is a bearded twat who harbours an imaginary bearded tit in his Edwardian leather tea-cosy.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
WI News
Upper Middle Nuddering and Cringeworth WI held a bear-baiting evening, to raise money for repointing the Village Idiot. A rare spectacled bear was dispatched, though the grizzly escaped and tore Mrs Yibbler to pieces.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Pederast Wedged Between Escritoire and Tallboy
Herge Dumpfelmaus, the late inventor, left a rich legacy. Among his inventions are motorised shoehorn, reversible winter jackets for tropical fish, and the Shepherd's Guide To the Expressions on Sheep's Faces.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Mitsubishi Unveil New Director
Sagittarians will be menaced by a blind arm-wrestler. Leo steeplejacks will run out of doilies. Librans will receive half a wallaby's ear in a calico parcel bound with waxen twine (it is not possible to specify which half).
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Coral Atoll News
Coral Atwell has a disclaimer for our readers. "I have never seen a coral atoll, at all", says Coral Atwell. "I don't like Coral Atwell, or coral atolls, at all", says a Coral Atwell and coral atoll hater.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
Home and Hearth
with Aunty Jean
I killed my neighbour, Mrs Nanketer, this morning. I had to, since she refused to come down off my roof. She was frightening the crows, and I cannot abide that. The crow is a sensitive beast.
written by Erskin Quint, 26 May 2010
BP Responds to Criticisms
Said one spokesperson, "You know, your fair city of Los Angeles has an open tar pit oozing putrid fossil fuels up onto the streets and you don't seem to be too concerned about that."
written by Charpa93, 26 May 2010
Ahead Of Iran
PLO records show that before he died Yasser Arafat had successfully enriched his own pockets.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Criticisms of BP's Handling of Oil Spill Continue to Pour In
"Honestly, they don't know their arse from a hole in the Gulf."
written by Charpa93, 26 May 2010
After Receiving 2M Complaints
Acme Liquid Fire recalls all it's contact lens cleaners.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Being Pretty Frank About It
Barney Frank wants to see Representative Djou's birth certificate, rear end!
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Vienna Best City
Study: Vienna the best city in the world to live, Detroit, Baghdad tie for last.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Teacher and BNP member Adam Walker
has been cleared of racism charges by the General Teaching Council. He joined Nick Griffin in toasting his victory with a glass of Newcastle Pale Ale.
written by Roy Turse, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #16
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Handy Dandy"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #15
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Snake's Alive!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Americans A Bigger Threat To America Than Al Queda
Counter Terrorism Adviser John Brennan stated at a CSIS briefing that regardless of the Radical Islamic ties between previous attacks, white christian Americans are a greater threat than terrorists.
written by SirBeavis, 26 May 2010
No Way To Win
"Dance Pad" to operate computer with your feet that was created to give secretaries more exercise and less carpel tunnel, now causing painful bone spurs on their feet.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Your question confused me
Intriguingly, homosexuality occurs at nearly the same percentage as left-handedness. Study on effect abandoned when researchers realize they probably won't get straight answers from participants.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Docs Say No!
Many doctors are still saying that marijuana has no medical benefits. General response of users: "Man, what are those guys on?"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Really Fresh Chicken
KFC International has announced the creation of it's new, "No chicken left behind" program. It will start each day with fresh chicken parts. Early birds are instructed to ignore squawks in the back.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Taking A Gamble
Monaco announces that it has successfully enriched uranium.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Arrogently Smarmy Charisma Not Enough
The administration is showing frustration with the fact that despite the power of Obama's charisma, mother nature has yet to tweak the laws of nature stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
written by SirBeavis, 26 May 2010
Fergie Pan Handling
Scandal-plagued Fergie attends NYC book fair. "Pssst, naked photos of Charles for your garden. $15 Guaranteed to scare anything away..even illegal aliens."
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Serena is flying the "vive la republique" flag on her knickers!
Jean Paul Gaultier has designed Serena's latest sexy, bombshell knickers depicting le Arc de Triomphe covering her butt hole and the Eifel Tower tickling her pussy, c'est magnifique et sacre bleu!
written by unknown
Hilary Clinton orders South Korea to "nuke' the North!
Mrs Diplomacy, Hilary, has told the South Koreans to blow the North off of the planet, actually the order came from Obama, he's demanding the Nobel Peace Prize once again!
written by unknown
Local Man's Cock Gets Stuck in Doorknob
Local man Barry Nubbins' prize cockerel Percy got his beak caught in the doorknob of the bathroom door.
He had been spying on a naked woman in the shower. The bastard.
written by unknown
Local Woman Refuses to Touch Husband's Cock
Barry Nubbins' wife says she will not hold his prize cockerel Percy.
She says she is allergic to feathers.
written by unknown
Local Man's Wife Awoken By Her Husband's Wet Cock
Local man Barry Nubbins' wife was woken up this morning by prize cockerel Percy, who crawled under the sheets after having a shower.
written by unknown
Local Man Has a Stiff Cock
Local man Barry Nubbin's prize cockerel Percy got covered with cement yesterday.
He is now as stiff as a rock.
written by unknown
Local Man's Wife Slaps His Cock
Barry Nubbins wife caught his prize cockerel Percy pecking at the furniture.
She gave it a good slap and locked him in the hen house.
written by unknown
Local Man Doesn't Know How To Use His Cock
He is undecided about using it in the hen house or sticking it on top of the barn for use as a real-life weather vane.
written by unknown
Local Man Dips Cock In His Soup
Local man Barry Nubbins let his prize cockerel, Percy, fall into his vegetable soup today.
written by unknown
Local Man Writes Series of Spoof Snippets using the word COCK, But Having no Connection to the Male Genital Organ
That spoof devil Jesus Budda is at it again! He has written another series of crap snippets using the word Cock.
written by unknown
Local Break-ins Blamed on Little Girl
"She was about four feet tall with long Goldilocks. And she broke my chair, bed and ate the family porridge supplies",Mister Bear told police.
written by unknown
Idols Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox Elope
"We have become such close friends," said Crystal, "that we decided to get married so no matter who wins, we both share the money and the fame."
written by Charpa93, 26 May 2010
Bare's Penis Helper #14
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "The Knocker Rocker!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #13
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Schlong, It's Been Good To Know You!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #12
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Tiger's Own"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
When asked who should play Glastonbury in place of U2
Bono's doctors suggested Spinal Tap
written by Roy Turse, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #11
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "The Bigger Jigger!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #10
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Pony Baloney!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #9
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Quicker Pecker-Upper!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #8
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Masterdinger!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
"Could Have Ran Over Endangered Frogs In Area"
Disabled grandfather arrested by EIGHT police officers, who passed three muggings, two gang fights and a car on fire, for drink-driving on his 4mph mobility scooter.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
One UK City Makes List Of Best Top 50
Just one UK city makes it into top 50 list for quality of living, Hull!
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Make Themselves At Home #2
Police force travellers to move on after convoy of 30 caravans sets up camp in a school area. Claim they didn't know 30 traveller caravans were in the area.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Made Themselves At Home
Police force travellers to move on after convoy of 30 caravans sets up camp in a school's lunchroom & gym.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
45 Don't Buckle Up
Govt: About 45 million Americans don't buckle up. Recommends they learn to fly through windshields.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Duchess Of York Apologizes
Duchess of York apologizes over newspaper sting. "Also selling nude shots of Andrew, Queen on the 'throne'. OOPS! Well, might as well get it all out."
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #7
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "The Rigor Trigger!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #6
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Longer Donger!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
President New Security Goals
Obama's new security goals prize nonmilitary moves. Orders US military to issue blanks for ammo.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Cowell Era Ends
Simon Cowell era comes to close on 'American Idol' as crowd, fellow judges give him a standing raspberry.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Doctor Banned
Britain bans doctor who linked autism to devil worship.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Moms May Have To Rethink Traditions
Exercise limits: Just 1 in 5 kids live near parks. Moms still holding out against running in the house.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Mars Lander Still Silent
NASA ends effort to contact Phoenix Mars Lander. "It's in it's own world out there", states one scientist.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Little On The Hot Side
Lohan's ankle bracelet has Breathalyzer technology. Gather info already reveals that vadalia onions not as sweet as they once were.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Parker Bros Also Get Hit!
Toll Brothers takes smaller fiscal 2Q loss. Parker Brothers suffer de-evaluation of currency. Boardwalk, Park Place now priced at $1200 each.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Could Be A Problem
INFLUENCE GAME: Govt regulators hired by companies suddenly find themselves flush with cash.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Oil Spill Jobs
Short term, oil spill means mini job boom in Gulf. Plans made for another one in high unemployment areas.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Obama Plan Just Like That Of Condemned Bush Plan
Obama's border plan looks similar to Bush's. "So I slipped up during all the recent nuckklar threats", states Obama.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Nucular Deal?
Ahmadinejad urges Obama to accept nuke swap deal. "OK", states Obama, "We'll send you one of ours, first."
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Meanwhile, Back At TheSpoof
Mark Lowton installs tracking device to catch one-star bandit after big hits yesterday.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
BP Still Making Decision
BP still deciding whether to 1. Pump mud to stop oil, 2. Shit 3. Go blind.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Now We All Know
Nicole Scherzinger wins 'Dancing With the Stars'. Just in case that one old lady in Bear Wallow, Kentucky missed it.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
USA Swimming Releases 46 Over Scandal
USA Swimming releases 46 banned from organization, including team director. "It was watching those old Esther Williams films as a youngster."
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
NYC Battleground
NYC community board OKs ground zero mosque plans. 911 survivors OK blowing it up.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Flight Turbalence #3
Turbulence injures 10 on London to LA flight! "We were knocked about pretty good", states one shaken passenger. "And that one idiot yelling about a gremlin on one of the plane's wings."
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Flight Turbalence #2
Turbulence injures 10 on London to LA flight. "At one time I was on the ceiling, the toilet door open and turds floating out..but I think they came from me", states shook-up passenger.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Flight Injuries
Turbulence injures 10 on London to LA flight. "Turbulence? why isn't he on the no-fly list?', asks shook-up passenger.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Not A Good Sign
President Wants Long-Term Unemployment Benefits extended through 2020.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Obama Gets Earfull
Obama gets an earful in clash with GOP senators and there's quite a bit of ears to fill.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bad Example
Interracial marriage still rising, but not as fast. Most blame Tiger Woods.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Believe It Or Not!
Divers exploring sunken ruins of Cleopatra's palace discover statue showing that she looked exactly like a young Elizabeth Taylor.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Castle On Hudson Crumbling
Tour a real castle on the Hudson, while it still stands. If not that, spend some money buying White Castle burgers, while economy still stands.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Troops To Border
Troops to the Mexican border: Obama to send 1,200, under the charge of Colonel Travis.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Hillary Calls For Reaction
Clinton: World must act on SKorean ship sinking. "I suggest we scramble all cartoons programs that Kim watches, hit him where it hurts."
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
BP Panic!
BP still deciding whether to pump mud to stop oil or to stop oil by pumping mud...we need help.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Alien vs. Predator?
In a letter to President Obama, AZ Gov. Janice Brewer requested aerial robotic surveillance craft to patrol the border region with Mexico. ExBox 360 version set to hit AZ shelves later this month.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Stocks recover from plunge
Today, stocks recovered from yesterday's plunge. Nevertheless, experts predict the plunge to re-recover as the Dow Jones industrial average continues a long, predictable trend of going up and down.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
You're giving me a headache
Food and Drug Administration looks into reports of serious side effects from recalled drugs including Tylonal. Tylonal CEO reportedly taking a lot of executive strength Bayer's aspirin lately.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Fine line between freedom, democracy
Obama sends National Guard troops South to secure imaginary line separating Mexicans and Americans. Arizona school textbooks to feature maps with darker, more oppressive political boundaries.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Latest GPS upgrade no help at all
After $8-billion update, GPS system will be able to pinpoint user's location within an arm's length, but still won't help retrieve my phone speeding away in a taxi North bound on Powell Street.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Time's arrow leaves a vapor trail
Space shuttle Atlantis is set to land Wednesday morning, ending a stellar 25-year career. Its retirement is a devastating blow: Only a handful of vehicles producing 97% water vapor exhaust survive.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Make the most of public education
Palin suggests "it's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say they're all Arizonans now." Unexpected out-of-state tuition fees drive many of her supporters out of college.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
We can't stand that guy!
Police, soldiers storm Jamaica ghetto seeking Christopher Coke, wanted by US on drug, gun charges. It's personal, they say. "We're tired of his name being synonymous with American cocaine trade."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Salt of the Earth?
To show its disapproval, Israel will not send any officials to a UN conference concerning the "inalienable rights of the Palestinian people." Palestinian officials say, "That's not kosher, man!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Super Bowl 2014 Forecast
Super Bowl goes to New Jersey in February of 2014 as warm weather teams pray for no blizzard. Millions of Dallas, Houston fans increase gas consumption, hoping to ease global temps up a bit by then.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
BP prepares for "top kill" of Deepwater Horizon oil spill
Meanwhile, armies of attorneys work around the clock preparing for "top kill" of BP.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Gulf Oil Spill Victim #576
Restaurant owner Jason Boudreaux of New Orleans says sales of Blackened Snapper with Dirty Rice down nearly 100% at Crawdaddy's since news of the spill first hit the Gulf coast.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Put your money where your mouth is
BP to pump in 50,000 pounds of thick, viscous fluid to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf. They should pump in 50,000 pounds of the B.S. their public relations department's been shoveling lately.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
For a Greener Alaska
Thousands of barrels of crude oil spill along Alaska pipeline as battery fails to control pump station valve. Solar powered recharger might have helped: Sun shines a scant 19 hours this time of year.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 May 2010
Perhaps Blue Ribbon Beer Was Served
Yesterday, Barack Obama presented a Blue Ribbon panel a Blue Ribbon for the work they have done during the Blue Ribbon Beer Conferences.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Much More Later
No new news today about the recent gossip about the rumor of someone saying something about Miley And Liam possibly breaking up.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
No Pork Here!
President Obama has asked members of the Israeli Knesset ho they get rid of all the pork in the bills they pass.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Economy Pretty Bad
Today in the Senate, US senator Jim Bunning stated that the economy had gotten so bad that if we had to go to war with communist China, we'd have to borrow money from them first.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Full Confidence
Today, President Obama stated that he had "full confidence in Barack Obama" to take care of the nation's economy plus the oil leak.
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #5
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra's "Blue-Veined Special!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #4
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Bonerama!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #3
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Checkered Chubby"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper #2
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Wood, Bad & Ugly"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
Bare's New Penis Helper
Bare has introduced it's new penis helper that works in five minutes, it's called La Petra "Weinhance!"
written by Bureau, 26 May 2010
