Martha Stewart
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy. The first will be entitled: Using The Bidet To Save The forests, Plus A Wonderful Orgasm!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Liberals Stage First Ever Book Burning Protest over Revised Textbooks
Progressives across America are calling for book-burning protests in Texas to rid America of what they call "an insidious act to re-white history."
written by Charpa93, 22 May 2010
Al Gore: It all adds up
Al Gore says that climate-change sceptics don't get it. The science and mathematics are clear. Half of the "deniers" are ill-informed, half ignore the facts, and the other half are just plain wrong.
written by MostlyHarmless, 22 May 2010
Miss USA Refuses!
Newly crowned Miss USA refuses to go to Uranus for Miss Universe. "That is one smelly planet."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Seeking Better Response
EU ministers seek better economic crisis response. "We're all sick of that 'run in circles, scream & shout' thing."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Today's Question
Is eating a pork sausage a day bad for you? It's according to how big the old porker that you married gets.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Sound Like Hippies!
President Obama names Spill Panel Heads! Group already objecting to name.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
NYC Versus Paris #4
Mayor Bloomberg trying to lure tourists to NYC instead of Paris puts up new billboard, "New York City! Absolutely Never Overran By German Nazis!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
NYC Versus Paris #3
Mayor Bloomberg trying to lure tourists to NYC instead of Paris puts up new billboard, "New York City, The Big Apple To Most, The Big Ripple For A Few!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
NYC Versus Paris #2
Mayor Bloomberg trying to lure tourists to NYC instead of Paris puts up new billboard, "Not So Many French Here In New York!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
NYC Versus Paris
Mayor Bloomberg trying to lure tourists to NYC instead of Paris puts up new billboard, "NYC Better Than Paris Sites!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
94-Year-Old Graduates
In an exclusive interview with the 94-year-old lady who will graduate from college in a week, she was asked what was next?
"First I'm going to take a nice soothing earth bath!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Look, He's Grown A Full Beard
Twentieth high school reunion wonders what ever happened to that one kid that was in the yearbook as a freshman for five years.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Kim Wins Again
Kim Jong Il wins once again in North Korea's "North Korean Idol". This was the 10th straight win for Kim, all ten won with his famous "Air Guitar" performance.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
94-Year Old Graduates #7
In an exclusive interview with the 94-year-old lady who will graduate from college in a week, she was asked what was next?
"I hope to complete next week and take a thousand year snooze."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Obama On $10 Bill?
New $10 bills may have President Obama's portrait on it. Treasury Secretary says that having to use all the extra ink will thwart counterfeiters.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
That Time Of Year
Professors at Universities telling graduates that it's a great time to go out there and make their mark in the military, fast food service or selling blood.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Hot Weekend Coming Up!
Get the barbies out for Brittain's hottest weekend of the year. Bring out the Bambis and the Sheilas also!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Police "Freeze!' To Take On New Meaning
Public sector jobs freeze to target police and teachers. "If things are not better, we may have to freeze the garbage collectors & street sweepers."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Prostitution Charges
Woman arrested in London for having paid sex from her flat. "What did they expect? I'm not going to do it hanging from the ceiling."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
"Cock-Up" In The Country
'Townies' kick up a stink over cockerel noise after moving to the country. "They say it's a cock but Reggie's has never done that, ever after a sporting performance."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Local Man Afflicted by Several Old Wive's Tales
Kevin Jones has grown hairy palms and gone blind from wanking, his nose has enlarged from telling fibs and his face has contorted from making faces when the wind changed.
written by unknown
Local Man Can't Fit Dick in Wife's Wet Hole
Local man Barry Nubbins has been trying without success to put his friend Dick Smyth into a flooded hole his wife made in the garden while doing some digging today.
"He's far too big", said Barry.
written by unknown
98% of People Surveyed Told Me to F*ck Off and leave them alone
The remaining 2% kicked me in the knackers.
written by unknown
Fucking Awful
So says the new Lonely Planet tourist guide in its review of the Austrian town of Fucking.
written by unknown
Local Boy Loses Virginia Tea
Local boy Timmy Tickler,14, has been blamed for the loss of a chest of Virginia-grown tea destined for a tea party in Boston
written by unknown
Nursing Home Hosts Trekkie Convention
Star Trek fans nearing 60. "Help! I've fallen, Scotty is dead, and there's no one to beam me up!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
At Least They Seem Honest
British defense releases still more UFO information. One photo from 1966 shows aliens taking whole British defense personnel and replacing them with their own people.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Simple Solution
New study says that most Americans approve of gay marriages as long as it's between a gay man and a gay woman.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Polls Report Most Negative To Idea
President Obama recommends a new poll tax, beginning with the Harris Poll.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
New Poll Record
A new poll has broken all records as 110% now believe the United States Is on the wrong track. Hear train coming.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Balls To That!
Ed Balls bid to lead Labour could fall at the first hurdle as his wife faces calls to stand to describe balls in her own words. Balls Object!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
MP's Upset
The MPs are furious that they have to provide more receipts, are no longer refunded in full for phone bills, and more checks are being made on their free travel on trips to Monaco, French Rivera.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Chocolate Fights Against Aging
Can chocolate fight aging and make your skin glow? 350-pound male says that you can now see his ass glow in the dark.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Michael Jackson Fans In Japan
In Japan, Michael Jackson fans can spend night among his possessions, try on different noses.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Extra Fun While Enjoying Park
Paradise Mounting Inn opens at Rainier Park. I'm sorry, that should be, Paradise Inn opens at Mount Rainer Park.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Would Cut Down On Gas Use Also
State parks, sites among most endangered in US. Authorities recommend barbecue parties in your backyard.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Lasers Recording Mt. Rushmore
Lasers record Mount Rushmore's famous faces after call-in bomb threat to blow of George Washington's ears.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Look Before You Leap
CDC: Look before you leap into dirty public pools, especially cesspools.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Heart Attack Not Affect Sex Life#2
Study: A heart attack shouldn't kill your sex life. Many men able to finish up while dying.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Heart Attack Not Affect Sex Life
Study: A heart attack shouldn't kill your sex life. That is, unless you die from it.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Manmade Life?
A step to artificial life: Manmade DNA powers cell. Claims they can now make a woman out of a man's rib.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Must See Both Sides
At worst, oil spewed already could fill 102 gyms. At best, the whole thing happened in alternative universe.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Alfalfa Sprouts Recall
Alfalfa sprouts recalled after at least 22 ill, some just from the looks of them.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Appalled At Paul?
GOP officials ponder how to help, and tame, Paul after being bitten on their first try.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
His Favorite Story
Obama setting nation's sights on fuel efficiency. Warns about jack rabbit starts for the 20th time.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Story Of Alamo Slightly Changed
Texas board adopts new social studies curriculum. Now say that Santa Ana's men marched seven times around the Alamo, broke tequila bottles and the walls fell down.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Texas Changes Social Studies
Texas board adopts new social studies curriculum. Drops story of the Alamo so as not to offend illegal immigrants from Mexico.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Premature Bombing
Death toll in suicide car bomb outside Baghdad rises to one.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Obama Names Chairman
Obama names "Bob "Oil Can" Graham as chairmen of Gulf oil spill commission.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
BP Noses Rubbed In It
Month after oil spill, why is BP still in charge? President Obama: "They're the ones who shit on the floor, they're the ones that have to clean it up."
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Bullet Only Thing Not Faked
AP Investigation: Texas man faked way into Army, given a faked military honor funeral.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Speech From Mt. Everest?
President Obama announced this morning that he may give worldwide speech from Mount Everest. Flubs 'Mohammed & Mountain' quotation, somehow getting 'mole hill' into it.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Mount Everest Concert?
Sir Paul McCartney says that he might do a Mount Everest Concert to help raise funds to clean it up.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Mount Everest Crowded
13-year-old becomes youngest to top Mount Everest..on a bicycle....using no hands!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Facebook, MySpace Faces Charges
Facebook, MySpace caught releasing user data. That's why all the breast, penis enlargement spams came from this morning!
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Pakistan Detainees Proud
Pakistan detainees proud of role in NYC bomb case. "Yes, WE are the ones who helped worke this non-happening, botched event!"
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
"They Have The Best Chinese Food Here"
Clinton tours Expo ahead of tough Beijing talks. Orders Chinese take out.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Clinton In Beijing
Clinton tours Expo ahead of tough Beijing talks. "It'll be a roller coaster ride", says the Secretary of State.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #20
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Stoplight Runner" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #19
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Harry Potter & His Goober A-Fire!" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #18
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Platypus-Driven Life" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #17
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Harry Potter & The Chamberpot Of Secrets" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #16
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Jew's Day With Morrie" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #15
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Whoever Cut The Cheese, Move It" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #14
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Harry Potter & The Bunny Shadows On The Wall" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #13
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Da Vinci Cod" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #12
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Dead Dr. Adkins Longevity Diet" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #11
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Hannibal Lecter & The Sorcerer's Stones" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
The World's Most Famous Clown
The sister of the world's most famous circus clown, Emmett Kelly, recalls that growing up her little brother always smelled funny.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Pablo Picasso and Amy Winehouse - What A Pair
Pablo Picasso, the abstract painter, says that Amy Winehouse looks just like one of his paintings.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Did You "Hear" About Vincent Van Gogh?
Vincent Van Gogh's home town in Holland will honor him with his very own week. Huh???
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
The Transformation of Mike "Chew Chew" Tyson
Mike Tyson has stated that he has seen the light and he is on the road to civility. He added, "Hey dude, I hasn't bitten nobody in seven months."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Jay Leno's Fat Chin Is The World's Most Famous Fat Chin
Jay Leno says that his chin officially weighs more than Dustin Hoffman's entire body.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
"The Peanuts Are Complimentary"
Charles Schulz says that he literally spent his entire life working for 'Peanuts.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Texas School Board Ok's Sweeping Changes to History
One major change replaces the Jewish people with Texans as the chosen ones.
written by Charpa93, 22 May 2010
Texas School Board Re-Writes History
One section dealing with Biblical history claims that Jesus spoke about a "land known as Texas" as actually being the holy land.
written by Charpa93, 22 May 2010
Frankie Avalon's 73rd Beach Movie
Frankie Avalon, who is 94, announces that he will be starring in his 73rd beach movie entitled, Beach Blanket Viagra.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Finally - The Mel Brooks Sequel To Blazing Saddles
Mel Brooks said that he will be doing a sequel to his 1974 comedy western Blazing Saddles. The sequel will be called Burning Hemorrhoids.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
And Yet Another Yogi Berra Yogism
Yogi Berra says that he really didn't do what they said that he really didn't do.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Julie Andrews Certainly Has Quite a Pair
Julie Andrews recently had breast augmentation surgery. So now the hills will really be alive with the sound of music.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Woody Allen's Strange-as-Hell Marital Belief
Woody Allen says that in keeping with his "in the family" tradition, his next marriage will be to his grandmother.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #10
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Seven Habits Of Highly Infective People" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #9
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Soused Bitch Diet" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #8
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "What To Expect When You're Expecting Whatever!" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #7
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Dead Dad" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
Least Popular Book #6
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Catcher In The Lie" finished near the bottom.
written by Bureau, 22 May 2010
