Sanford On Visit
South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford is hanging on to his job and seemed cheerful after spending a holiday weekend in Florida with his wife and children. Well, they stopped there. He went on to Argentina.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Troops quell Marxist Bros. film festival in Angola
These gatherings can get out of control if not stopped in time.
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Now Just Movie!
Russians in the cold north north say that they sure miss seeing Sarah Palin getting into her hot tub this winter.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Severe drop in Italy's fertility rate, emergency flowers, violin players sent in
Tried and true romantic methods air-dropped from military planes over most country's most romantic areas.
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Kyrgistan not sure they remember a "Russianistan"
I thought we were all independent countries says Chinastan.
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Irish kissing down, seems "Garlic" mistaken for "Gaelic"
It's very easy to misplace one of those Irish letters.
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Greece to Germany : You can forget the baklava unless we get some euros!
Deemed by some as "foul play", Greece today made the ultimate threat of holding back the delicious Mediterranean dessert unless Germany did its part.
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Obama declares, "No T.V.", unless Congress votes on healthcare overhaul
Saying that he "didn't really want to do this", but now will have to punish Congress by taking away something that they really enjoy.
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Nothing personal
The Minister in charge of protecting Britain's borders has admitted that his own child's education has been affected by Labour's half-arsed immigration policies.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Chippy Chippy Chee!
Judge sparks row after telling Chinese defendant to quit monkey-talk learn English
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Men Who Stare At Goats
In Saudi Arabia, the movie "Men Who Stare At Goats" was banned until they did a reshoot of the goats with little pants on.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Cougar Jane Fonder's face taking on attributes of
a great grey owl's face - designed to locate its next prey
written by Tcoah, 07 March 2010
No amount of lip-gloss can hide
A million unwanted self-replicating natural nanobots make home on Cheryl Cole's lip
written by Tcoah, 07 March 2010
Fired Northwest Pilots
Northwest Airline pilots who overflew their destination by 300 miles. "The gas pedal got stuck under the brakes."
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Yep, They Were Drunk
Northwest Airline pilots who overflew their destination by 300 miles. "There was this gremlin on the wing that you could see every time the lightning flashed."
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
More Excuses
Northwest Airline pilots who overflew their destination by 300 miles appear on NBC News & one shows a closeup of how very small that 300 miles were on regular map. "I can cover it with my thumb!"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Pilot Excuses
Northwest Airline pilots who overflew their destination by 300 miles now admit that the pilot had left their Mapquest at their last airport.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Pilot's Excuse
Pilots that overflew their destination by 300 miles and wer fired now claim that they wanted to get time and a half for overtime.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
"Michael Was Great!"
During a speech last week, Sarah Palin apparently called Jesse Jackson, Jeremiah Wright. When Jesse told her he was Jesse Jackson, she apologized & said she had been a great fan of his brother.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Bu About This Health Care....
Former VP Dick Cheney asked current President Obama to hurry up & make up their mind if they wanted to run the Taliban out of Afghanistan. Obama said that they are taking it under consideration.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Obama The Golfer
According to those who keep up with those things, President Obama has already played more golf than Bush did in 8 years as President. When asked his handicap lately, Obama stated: Michelle's mother!"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Watch Uranus
Uranus told to "Watch it's ass" or it will be booted out of being a planet also.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home Schooling #9
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, and George Washington crossing Fabiano Romano.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Kurds Whey In On Investments
Kurds in northern Iraq to open the country's first stock market with actual stock.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home School #8
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution and the Indian rope trick.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
The Goose Didn't Duck
Geese are everywhere on golf courses. A goose however will not duck from a speeding golf ball. CS
written by C. Cranium, 07 March 2010
Home School #7
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, Nero fiddling Around Rome(fiddles weren't invented in Nero's day).
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #21
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Mulderbosch Mall De Mer"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Razzle-Dazzle!
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Cheech & Chong Run Whole Movie Backwards' make Razzies worst list A.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Razzies Had Lots Of Competition
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Yanni, Live At The Grand Ole Opry!' make Razzies worst list A.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Officer Suspended
Senior prison officer suspended over 'sex for days out, sex for cigs' claims.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
New Bans In Gaza
Hamas bans men from women's hair salons, bathrooms, child delivery rooms in Gaza.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Clown Says Heart Skipped a Beat
Mrs. Obama to donate inaugural clown to Smithsonian...I'm sorry, that should be inaugural gown.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Razzies Worst Of The Worst
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Attack of the Killer Butterflies', make Razzies worst list.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Not Everyone Agrees
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Leprechaun 17', make Razzies worst list.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Not Electronics!
Toyota disputes critic who blames electronics. Experts in Japan say that the problems are everything but the electronics. Big reassurance to owners.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Impact Killed Dinosaurs
Researchers reassert that impact killed dinosaurs, after visit from Time Traveler who just got out in time.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Methane Effects On Climate
Methane seen as growing climate risk. Bean farmers told to take up planting marijuana, poppies.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Skip Well-Known Facts
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, the sun moves around the earth.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
While It's Quite
Afghan president visits town seized from Taliban a dozen times in the past 25 years.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Toyota Disputes Findings
Toyota disputes critic who blames electronics. "Probably hired by Ralph Nader".
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Razzie's Rough
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Miss Piggy's XXX Review' make Razzie's worst list A.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Bad Showing All Around
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Rocky The Zombie' make Razzies worst list A.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Razzies Best
Bullock, 'Transformers', 'Daffy Duck's Pilgrimage To Mecca' make Razzies worst list A.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Pretty Bad
Bullock, 'Transformers', Hand Puppet #7 (The Sock) make Razzies worst list
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home-School #6
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, Bargis Tryhol's articles of truth on TheSpoof.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home School #5
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, leeches good for what ails you.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home-School #4
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, the world being flat.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home-School #3
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, conspiracy theories about JFK shooting.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Home School #2
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, Santa Claus.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Happiness Not Stuff
Study: Happiness Is Experiences, Not Stuff! Except for a warm puppy, of course.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Not Being Taught
Top home-school texts dismiss Darwin, evolution, the predictions of Nostradamus.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Ahmadinejad: I'm Not Real Either
Iran's Ahmadinejad: Sept. 11 attacks a 'big lie' as was the holocaust, man on the moon and gay people in Iran.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Everyone Attack!
Al-Qaida calls on US Muslims to attack America. U.S. calls on Muslims in Middle East to attack al-Qaida!
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #20
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Jessica Hahn Penis Noir"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Best Put This One Out to Pasture
Bob Hatstand of Wichita, Kansas, shot in front of Kentucky Fried Colonels promoting business in cow suit. KFC owner: "Maybe if he'd worn a chicken suit, like I asked, this wouldn't have happened!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 March 2010
My Cup Runneth Over
Vatican choir singer who ordered prostitutes for Italian government official also smuggling Cuban coffee for Balducci. Ehiem: "He certainly enjoyed a hot, black, beautiful cup of Havana joe!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 March 2010
The Original Negro Name Of Yuma, Arizona
The black citizens of Yuma, Arizona have started a petition drive to change the name of the city to the original negro name Yumama.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
The Highly Immature Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher was recently asked what he wants to be when he grows up. He replied that he is already grown up. He was told that he better look again.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
Paris Hilton's New Sexy-Ass Perfume
The new Paris Hilton Perfume is named Eau du I Don't Have To Do A Damn Thing Because My Daddy Is Rich As Hell.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
The Biggest News In The History of Las Vegas
Las Vegas, Nevada, has asked the Nevada Senate to vote on changing the city's name from Las Vegas to the much more appropriate Las Chips.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
The Gulf Formerly Know As Mexico
President Obama upset with the fact that Mexico is not doing any thing to stop the flow of illegal immigrants has said he will change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of Texas.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
Denmark Has Got One Serious Problem
Danish health authorities have stated that Denmark has been hit by the pornographic flu.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
Keep the Meat, Give Me the Bone
Tim Gunn calls Kim Kardashian's look "vulgar." However, the gay designer's preference in women admittedly tends more toward starving, self-tortured, 6 ft., 85 lb., bulemic coat hangers.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 March 2010
He Hungers to Make a Difference
5-year-old Titus Hopkins of Iowa spearheads Leg-O building block contest, hoping to raise money to feed Haitian kids. Meanwhile, hungry Haitian kids raid toy stores, eat Leg-O's.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 07 March 2010
The Game Show City of New Mexico
The town of Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, has decided to change the town's name to the more modern Wheel Of Fortune, New Mexico.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
The Hoppingest Kangaroo In The History of Australia
Game wardens in Australia have found a kangaroo that can hop at an amazing 103 mph. They do not know if it is a male or a female due to the fact that no one has been able to catch the little shit.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
Willie Nelson And The Story About The Star Spangled Banner
Willie Nelson who is close to 100, was asked what his favorite song is. He replied that it's the Star Spangled Banner because he actually met the writer Francis Scott Key.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
Salem, Oregon - The City Named After A Cigarette
The Oregon senate has told the mayor of Salem, that the name of their town will have to be changed due to the fact that it is the name of a cigarette. The new proposed name is Candy Cigarette, Oregon
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
The Fantastically Versatile Kirstie Alley
Kirstie Alley has refused Disneyland's offer of allowing them to turn her into a brand new amusement park ride.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
The Thing That Paula Abdul Misses The Most About Simon Cowell
Paula Abdul revealed that the thing that she misses the most about not being on American Idol is Simon Cowell feeling her all up and down underneath the judges table.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 07 March 2010
Icelandic voters don't want to pay back creditors, offer Bjork instead!
Once the party's over would you really want to foot the bill?
written by Wumf, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #19
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "San Fernando Red"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two Buck Chuck #18
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Chateau De Works"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two Buck Chuck #17
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Boot Hill Cabernet Savignon"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two Buck Chuck #16
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Shiraz Shootin'"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Obama A Little Down, Says Michelle
President Barack Obama calls in Bob Dole for personal advice after cabinet member tells him, "We all have to see him and his product sooner or later. It's the pressure."
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two Buck Chuck #15
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Las Vegas Bodegas"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #14
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Savagnin Mel Blanc" with bouquet of carrot.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Mystery In The Night Sky
Maggotty, Arkansas citizens all say UFO was shaped like a nude well-developed woman that made a fizzing noise after taking off from old man Seldon's bedroom window!
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Would You Buy a car from this Politician
House Speaker Pelosi will screw over either pro-abortion or anti-abortion Democrats because she is in a peeing contest with Republicans. She also doesn't give a rat's patoti about the American people.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Annoying TV Commercials a thing of the Past
A "Mute Button" is used to eliminate annoying TV commercials. A noted electronics company plans to introduce a device that blanks the sound & TV picture, just in time for the fall political season.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Do Anything?
It has been rumored that House Speaker Pelosi will "do anything necessary" to get the votes needed to pass the US Senate health care bill by the US House!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Food Police Rattled
The Chinese have discovered that their ancient ancestors ate a meal called Moo Shu Double Cheeseburger
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Government Bans Smoking S**t
"Boy this is some good S**t we're smoking!" The trouble was environmentalists substituted real S**t in several joints, in order to save water.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
No Admission
The Cotton Club in Harlem NY has refused to let President Obama inside! The owners cite Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid saying "the president is light skinned & has no Negro accent."
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
PETA, ACLU, Food Police and Environmentalists join Forces
Gangs of Environmental nuts, using Stupid regulations, who defend Terrorists, lobby for Animal rights and Police food have formed a new Organization (GESTAPO).
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Russian Premier Putin Visits the White House
Premier Putin came to the White House to meet with President Obama, House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid. He opened his translated remarks with "Fellow Comrades………….!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Support President Obama's Jobs Program
Go on welfare, create three new federal jobs at each of the various government agencies, pay less taxes and never have to work hard ever again!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Texas Politics
Texas Democrats are middle-of-the road Republicans. The governor established a policy that out of state liberal left Democrats be turned away at the borders, vice being shot as the legislature wanted.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
The Roman Empire Collapse
Archeologists have finally translated the last two words of a 1700 year old Roman document that explains why the empire collapsed, "DEFICIT SPENDING!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
British Environmentalists Visit a Turkey Farm
British environmentalists visited a Turkey Farm near the sea and complained that too much Turkey muck was washing into the ocean. The farmer gave them "the bird" and told them to "get stuffed!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Environmentalists Come up with an Inexpensive Green Solution
Environmentalists say those pesky heat leaks can be plugged with used toilet paper instead of weather stripping. Energy, water & trees are saved & green jobs created at deodorant manufacturing plants!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Going Green
Nutritionists say that eating two frogs for breakfast, a pickle salad for lunch and several dozen green chilies for dinner will turn your face green and keep you "going green" a lot!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
New Political Parties Announce for 2010 Elections
Everyone is so focused on the Tea party people, the Republican's eating their own and the Democrats looking like Mules asses that they have missed the revitalized Tory and Whig party candidates.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
No-Cussin Police
The first contingent of the governor's "no-cussin" police arrived in San Francisco CA. They were told to "Piss Off" by the locals or was that "Piss On!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Political Hot Air
The EPA says that whenever House Speaker Pelosi comes to San Francisco CA the air quality dramatically deteriorates!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Presidential Wine, Women and Song
President Obama drinks (and smokes) and President Clinton chased women while both were running the country, leaving no time for singing!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Science for Dummies
Left wing pseudo scientists in San Francisco CA believe entropy and enthalpy are cities in Ethiopia, a rock group or a dance team on "Dancing with the Stars!"
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Tear Down this Bridge
San Francisco CA liberals ask House Speaker Pelosi for money to build a new Golden Gate Bridge. The GGB completed in 1937 was financed by conservative city residents using their houses as collateral.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
The Really Big One
The next big earthquake is predicted for San Francisco CA. All those Democratic left wing liberals are so full of themselves that the added weight is expected to overload the San Andreas Fault.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Why Climate Change Observations are Sometimes Wrong
Did you know that rivers always follow railroad tracks?
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #13
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Blew One Qualitatswein"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
It's A First
Obese albino, same sex set of Siamese dwarfs that have one sex organ between them to marry in Washington, DC.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #12
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Alley Be Praised"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two Buck Chuck #11
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Ghastly Spewmanti"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two Buck Chuck #9
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Saturday Night Reisling"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
David Blaine Feat
David Blaine says that the will next attempt to actually build a ship inside of a bottle, all week on ABC's "Good Morning America!"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #8
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Mogen David Letterman"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #7
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Chateau du Spew"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #6
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Mostly Wine".
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Chile Quake Felt A Long Ways
Earthquake in Chile felt as far away as downtown Detroit where it set off over 20,000 mouse traps.
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #5
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Purple Pisser"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #4
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Zin Master Findel"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #3
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Especial For The Grape Nuts"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
"Two-Buck Chuck' New Offering #2
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "She'll Buck Chuck"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
Two-Buck Chuck #1
"Two Buck Chuck" a cheap wine won an expert blind test over $200 a bottle wine 3 years ago now introduces their next low-cost offering: "Three Buck Duck"
written by Bureau, 07 March 2010
